LOVE LETTERS OF BILL TO MABLE 




MABLE 



Love Letters of 
Bill to Mable 

Comprising 

(3foafo vnc all OiHA^oJbtt 
'Jicmz e&L BaM.sA WlaMf 

By 

Lieut. Edward Street er 

WITH 87 ILLUSTRATIONS IN BLACK-AND-WHITE BY 

G. William Breck 

("Bill Breck") 




New York 

Frederick A. Stokes Company 

Publishers 












Copyright, 1918, igig y by 
Frederick A. Stokes Company 

All rights reserved 



Gift 
Publisher 



UCI -7 1919/ 



DEDICATION 

To a million Private Bills who have 
suddenly learnt to call a coat a blouse. 
Taking things as they find them. 
Vaguely understanding. Caring less. 
Grumbling by custom. Cheerful by na- 
ture. Ever anxious to be where they 
are not. Ever anxious to be somewhere 
else whea they get there. Without 
thought of sacrifice. Who have left the 
flag-waving to those at home. Who 
serve as a matter of course. 



LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS 
Mable Frontispiece 



The only place there flat is on the map" 
You can read em to your granchildren " 
You walk a post but there aint no post" 
I just found it in my bakin can" . . 

I dont like any sargeant" 

I dont care much for horses, they feels the same 

way about me" 

Max Glucos what lives on the next cot" 
Smith are you laffin at. me?" .... 
One day its our teeth" . . . . . 
Remember me to your mother" • . . 
Not the kind your father has" . . . 
I wear them every night over my uniform 

I been made an officer" 

Somebodied set a trunk on the turky" . 
Built like the leg of a sailurs trowsers" . 
You paint a horse black and white stripes 
I spent mine doin Kitchen police" . . 
I wish that hired girl could come down" 
A croquette is a French society woman" 
I sat next to a Colonels wife" . ... 
Men hate to be watched while they are freezin 
I had a reputashun for a devil with the wimen 
vii 



2 

5 
6 

9 

12 

15 
16 

19 

22 

25 
28 

31 
32 
35 
36 

39 
42 

45 
48 

51 

54 
57 



viii LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS 



FACING 
PAGE 



"It seemed to depres them awful" .... 60 
"If I catch one of those ailin enemies windin up 

your victrola" . 63 

"Stuck my head out of the blankets" ... 68 
"When I looked in the tin mirror I thought I was 

starvin" 7 1 

"They come round an watch you eat it" . . 74 

"Army food always runs" 77 

"He smokes cigarets something awful" ... 78 

"I poured some oil out of his lamp" .... 81 

"I even got mud in my hair" 84 

"The water comes through on me" . . . 87 
"The last time I will take my pen in hand for 

you" 90 

"It wont be no use runin to the door" ... 93 

Bill 100 

"We can fire all we want without hittin nothin" 103 

"I sit on a hill all day" 104 

"A bunch lyin under the trees" 108 

"My, what an awful bore" 112 

"The fello with the long hair" 116 

"He thinks there so sad that he almost cries" . 120 

"They get awful fat, of course" 126 

"They come and get our dirty wash" . . . 130 

"It aint as dangerous as I thought" .... 134 

"Angus likes it cause he can sit down in it" . . 138 

"If the top sargent dont remember" .... 142 

"She always carries a kid under her arm" . . 146 
"I dont eat nothin outside of meal hours exceptin 

a few pies" 152 

"I couldnt see a thing except the side of the hill" 156 



LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS ix 



FACING 
PAGE 



"He outran the other fello" 160 

"I sat next to a lady what didnt seem to have 

much on but a lot of jewels" 164 

"The minister has two daughters — both girls" . 168 

"They gave us coffee in egg cups" . . . . 172 

"The first sargent wouldnt let me" . . . . 176 

"The only thing they do to the rain is to strain it" 180 
"I just found your pictur at the bottom of my 

barrack bag" 188 

"I dont seem to need as much food as I used to" 196 

"Joe Loomis" 204 

"The tailor must have been a boiler maker once" 210 
"Marched till my pack gained a hundred an 

fifty pounds" 220 

" Everybody had a beard on both sides of his face " 224 

"Beat the buttons off them with a big board" . 230 

" Everyone tucks there napkins under there chins " 23 2 
"They just ishued us overseers caps an rapped 

leggins" 236' 

"Will have to lean them up agenst something" 240 

"Tyin it under your chin like a bib" . . . . 244 

"Mike Whozis, the Captins orderly" .... 248 

"Ive found the first real use for my tin derby". 252 

"Another boiler blew up right in front of us" . 256 
"Lem Wattles what never had his name in the 

paper" 262 

"Were livin right up in the trenches now" . . 264 

"It doesnt look as if it had ever exploded" . . 272 
"There was the Lootenant boostin the Major out 

of the trench" 278 

"His helmet looked like a tin sunbonnet" . . 282 



x LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS 

FACING 
PAGE 

"I stuck my head around the bush" . . . 288 
"You ought to have seen those two Lootenants 

come down" . 294 

"'Do you happen to have any lemonade?'" . . 300 
"Tried to make a blanket roll in six inches of 

mud" 304 

"All I do is scratch, scratch, scratch" . . . 308 
"The people here wear wooden shoes an have 

no shapes" 312 

"A German bed is like a loaf of bread thats rose 

to much" 316 

"They take off" there hats to us" 320 

"Levels it off with a piece of bread" . . . .324 

"They lined us all up" 328 

"That little snub nosed thing across the street" 332 

"Im goin to be just plain Mr. Bill Smith" . . 336 



Dere Mable 

Love Letters of a Rookie 

Dere Mable: 

I guess you thought I was dead. Youll never 
know how near you was to right. We got the 
tents up at last, though, so I got a minit to rite. 
I guess they choose these camps by mail order. 
The only place there flat is on the map. Where 
our tents is would make a good place for a Rocky 
Mountin goat if he didnt break his neck. The 
first day the Captin came out an says "Pitch 
your tents here." Then he went to look for some- 
one quick before anyone could ask him how. I 
wish I was a Captin. I guess he thought we 
was Alpine Chasers. Eh, Mable? But you prob- 
ably dont know what those are. 

Honest, Mable, if Id put in the work I done 
last week on the Panamah Canal it would have 
been workin long before it was. Of course there 
was a lot of fellos there with me but it seemed like 
all they did was to stand round and hand me 
shovels when I wore em out. 



2 DERE MABLE 

The Captin appresheates me though. The 
other day he watched me work awhile and then 
he says "Smith." He calls me Smith now. We 
got very friendly since I been nice to him. I 
noticed none of the other fellos had much to say 
to him. I felt kind of sorry for him. Hes a 
human bein even if he is a Captin, Mable. So 
every time I saw him I used to stop him and talk 
to him. Democratic. Thats me all over, Mable. 
"Smith" he says "If they was all like you round 
here war would be hell, no joke." By which he 
meant that we would make it hot for the Boshes. 

I been feelin awful sorry for you, Mable. 
What with missin me and your fathers liver gone 
back on him again things must have been awful 
lonesome for you. It isnt as if you was a girl 
what had a lot of fellos hangin round all the time. 
Not that you couldnt have em, Mable, but you 
dont an theres no use makin no bones about it. 
If it hadnt been for me I guess things would have 
been pretty stupid though I dont begrudge you 
a sent. You know how I am with my money. I 
guess you ought to anyway. Eh, Mable? Never 
talk of money matters in connexun with a wo- 
man. Thats me all over. 

Now I got started an found a fountin pen an 
the Y.M.C.A. givin away paper like it does 
Im goin to rite you regular. They say there 




Uwm^M ii^l'[ | ^{lMIll l f , f !f{» , u! 1l, 



'THE ONLY PLACE THERE FLAT IS ON THE MAP 




YOU CAN READ EM TO YOUR GRANCHILDREN' 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 5 

goin to charge three sents for a letter pretty soon. 
That aint goin to stop me though, Mable. There 
aint no power in heavin or earth, as the poets 
say, as can come between you and me, Mable. 
You mite send a few three sent stamps when you 
rite. That is if your fathers able to work yet. 
And willin, I should add. 

Of course it aint nothin to me but Id keep these 
letters what you get from me as a record of the 
war. Some day you can read em to your gran- 
children an say "Your Granfather Bill did all 
these things." Aint I the worst, Mable? Serious 
though I havnt found noone so far what has 
thought of doin this except the newspapers. I 
guess 111 get a lot of inside stuff that theyll never 
see. So this may be the only one of its kind. 
But it doesnt matter to me what you do with them, 
Mable. 

Later 111 tell you all about everything but I 
guess you wont understand much cause its teck- 
nickle. Lots of the fellos are gettin nitted things 
and candy and stuff right along. Dont pay no 
attenshun to that, though, or take it for a hint 
cause it aint. I just say it as matter of rekord. 
Independent if nothin. Thats me all over. 
Yours till the war ends 
Bill, 



Dere Mable: 

Having nothin better to do I take up my pen 
to rite. 

We have been here now three weeks. As far 
as I am concerned I am all ready to go. I told 
the Captin that I was ready any time. He said 
yes, but that wed have to wait for the slow ones 
cause they was all goin together. I says was I 
to go out to drill with the rest. He said yes 
more for the example than anything else. Its 
kind of maddening to be hangin round here when 
I might be over there helpin the Sammies put a 
stop to this thing. 

In the mean time I been doin guard duty. 
Seems like I been doin it every night but I know 
what there up against and I dont say nothin. 
Guard duty is something like extemperaneus 
speakin. You got to know everything your goin 
to say before you start. Its very tecknickle. For 
instance you walk a post but there aint no post. 
An you mount guard but you dont really mount 
nothin. An you turn out the guard but you dont 
really turn em out. They come out them selves. 
Just the other night I was walkin along thinkin of 

6 




"you walk a post but there aint no post 




'i JUST FOUND IT IN MY BAKIN CAN' 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE ( g 

you Mable an my feet which was hurtin. It made 
me awful lonesome. An officer come up and he 
says why dont you draw your pistol when you here 
someone comin. An I says I dont wait till the 
sheep is stole I drew it this afternoon from the 
Supply sargent. An I showed it to him tucked in- 
side my shirt where noone could get it away from 
me without some tussel, you bet, Mable. But it 
seems that you got to keep on drawin it all the 
time. Then later I here footsteps. I was expectin 
the relief so I was right on the job. An a man 
come up and I poked my pistol right in his face an 
says Halt. Who goes there? And he says Offi- 
cer of the day. An bein disappointed as who 
wouldnt be I says Oh hell. I thought it was the 
relief. An he objected to that. The relief, Ma- 
ble — but whats the use you wouldnt understand it. 
Theres some mistake up north Mable about the 
way were built, Mable. Its kind of depresin to 
think that you could forget about us so quick. 
Everyones gettin sweters without sleeves and 
gloves without fingers. We still got everything 
we started with Mable. Why not sox without feet 
and pants without legs. If your makin these things 
for after the war I think your anticipatin a little. 
Besides its depresin for the fellos to be remind- 
ed all the time. Its like givin a fello a life mem- 
bership to the Old Soldiers home to cheer him up 



io DERE MABLE 

when he sails. I was sayin the other day that if 
the fellos at Washington ever get onto this theyll 
be issuin soleles shoes and shirtles sieves. 

Its gettin awful cold. No wonder this is a 
healthy place. All the germs is froze. I guess 
there idea of the hardenin proces is to freeze a 
fello stiff. The Captin said the other day we was 
gettin in tents of trainin. Thats all right but Id 
kind of like to see those steam heated barraks. 
Youve red about those fellos that go swimmin in 
the ice in winter. I guess thed like our shouer 
baths. They say Cleanliness is next to Godliness, 
Mable. I say its next to impossible. 

I started this letter almost a weak ago. I just 
found it in my bakin can. They call it a bakin 
can but its too small to bake nothin. I keep my 
soap in it. I got some news for you. The regi- 
ment is to be dismantled. The Captin called me 
over this mornin and asked me where Id like to be 
transferred. I said home if it was the same to 
him. So there goin to send me to the artillery. 
This is a very dangerous and useful limb of the 
servus, Mable. I dont kno my address. Just write 
me care of the General. 

I got the red muffler that your mother sent me. 
Give her my love just the same 

yours relentlessly, 

Bill. 



Dere Mable: 

I havnt rote for some time I had such sore feet 
lately. When they broke up our regiment and 
sent me over to the artillery I thought I was goin 
to quit usin my feet. That was just another 
roomor. 

Thanks for the box of stuff you sent me. I 
guess the brakeman must have used it for a chair 
all the way. It was pretty well baled but that dont 
matter. And thanks for the fudge too. That 
was fudge wasnt it, Mable? And the sox. They 
dont fit but I can use them for somethin. A good 
soldier never throws nothin away. An thank your 
mother for the half pair of gloves she sent me. 
I put them away. Maybe sometime shell get a 
chance to nit the other half. Or if I ever get all 
my fingers shot off theyll come in very handy. 

The artillerys a little different from the infantry. 
They make us work harder. At least theres more 
work on the skedule. I know now what they mean 
when they say that the "artillerys active on the 
western front." 

They got a drill over here called the standin gun 
drill. The names misleadin. I guess it was in- 

ii 



12 DERE MABLE 

vented by a troop of Jap akrobats. They make 
you get up and sit on the gun. Before you can 
get settled comfortable they make you get down 
again. It looks like they didnt know just what 
they did want you to do. 

I dont like the sargent. I dont like any sar- 
gent but this one particular. The first day out 
he kept sayin "Prepare to mount" and then 
"Mount." Finally I went up to him and told him 
that as far as I was concerned he could cut that 
stuff for I was always prepared to do what I was 
told even though it was the middle of the night. 
He said, Fine, then I was probably prepared to 
scrub pans all day Sunday. 

I dont care much for horses. I think they 
feels the same way about me. Most of them are 
so big that the only thing there good for is the 
view of the camp you get when you climb up. 
They are what they call hors de combat in French. 
My horse died the other day. I guess it wasnt 
much effort for him. If it had been he wouldnt 
have done it. 

They got a book they call Drill Regulations 
Field and Light. Thats about as censible as it is 
all the way through. For instance they say that 
when the command for action is given one man 
jumps for the wheel and another springs for the 
trail an another leaps for the muzzle. I guess 



a. a 




Cfaa * in ■-■ 




"i DONT LIKE ANY SARGEANl" 




"i DONT CARE MUCH FOR HORSES, THEY FEELS THE SAME WAY ABOUT Ml" 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 15 

the fello that rote the regulations thought we 
was a bunch of grass hoppers. 

Well I got to quit now an rite a bunch of other 
girls. Thanks again for the box although it was 
so busted that it wasnt much good but that dont 
matter. 

Yours till you here otherwise, 

Bill. 



Dere Mable: 

Todays Thanksgivin. Im thankful things aint 
no worse though Max Glucos what lives on the 
next cot says they couldnt be. Cheery an bright 
to the last. Thats me all over, Mable. 

Every man gets ateen ounces of Turky on 
Thanksgivin. All to himself, Mable. The sar- 
gent says the commitee on Hays and Beans at 
Washington decides that. Mines inside. Im most 
to full for expreshun as the poets say. We had a 
great dinner. Soup an turky, dressin, crambury 
sause an pie an smashed potatoes. All in one 
plate. I wish you could have heard how the fellos 
enjoyed it Mable. I know now why they call the 
turkys gobblers. 

Thanksgivin is a holiday. All a fello has to do 
on a holiday in the artillery is to feed the horses 
an give em a drink an smooth em out an take 
em for a walk an then feed em an smooth em out 
an feed em an give em a drink. It makes a fello 
feel like givin back a dollar out of his pay at the 
end of the month. 

The horses has the softest of anyone, Mable. 
They dont even have to get up for breakfast in 

16 




MAX GLUCOS WHAT LIVES ON THE NEXT COT 




"smith are you laffin at mb?" 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 19 

the morning. We bring it to em in a little bag 
filled with cereul. You tie this on there face. I 
guess they aint never been fed before the war 
broke out. When they see you comin they start 
jumpin round like starvin sailurs. I dont guess 
they like cereul. I wouldn't ether three times a 
day. I thought theyd give em somethin different 
Thanksgivin but not a chance. There always 
hopin it ull be somethin else I guess. When they 
see the same old thing they get sore and try to 
step on your feet. 

The sargents stand way behind an say "Go on 
in. They wont hurt you." An then when they 
land on your corn they say "Thats to bad. You 
didnt do it right." I dont like sargents any better 
than horses. 

An I dont kno as Im going to like the Captin 
much better ether. The other day I got laffin 
while I was standin in line. Just laffin to myself. 
Not disturbin nobody. The Captin turns round 
an says "Smith are you laffin at me?" I says 
no sir an he says "Well what else was there to 
laff at?" Thats the kind of a fello he is. I didn't 
sass him back or nothin, Mable. Just looked at 
him an made him feel cheap. I saw him again in 
the afternoon. Course I didnt salute. He says 
"What do you mean by not salutin?" I told him 
I thought he was mad. Im glad Im not his wife, 



,20 DERE MABLE 

Mable. You never know how to take a fello like 
that. 

If I hadnt knowed they needed me Id have given 
him two weaks notise on the spot. Duty before 
pleasure though. Thats me all over. 

We took the guns out to drill the other day, 
The Captin was talkin about indirect firm. Thats 
the way he is. Nothin straight forward about 
him. I asked the sargent about it. He said in- 
direct firin was where you shot at one thing an 
aimed at another. I hate to butt in Mable but it 
didnt seem right. I says I seen the Indien girl 
in the circus shoot the spots out of a card over 
her shoulder but wouldnt it be more censible to 
cut out the trick stuff till we was more used to the 
thing. You cant argue with sargents, though. 

Day after tomorrows inspecshun. They do it 
every Saturday. Thats another thing Im thankful 
for. Theres only one Saturday a weak. We pull 
everything out an pile it on our cots. Then the 
Captin an the sargent comes in. Every time its 
the same. He says "Thats very dirty Smith 
wheres your other shirt." An I say "I aint got 
none, sir." An he says "Sargent make a note of 
that." An then the sargent rites somethin in a 
little book. Next time just the same. The Cap- 
tin says wheres my shirt an the sargent makes a 
note. I guess theres somethin in the drill regula- 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 21 

tions what makes him say that cause I aint got 
no other shirt yet. 

Well Mable Im gettin hungry again now. Guess 
111 have to stop an buy a couple of pies. We dont 
get nothin to eat for an hour yet. 

yours till the ice cracks in the pale, 

Bill. 
P. S. I had to borrow a stamp for this letter. 
I went down town yesterday an spent my last sent 
on a money belt. Its a good one though. 



Dere Mable: 

Rainin today. No drill so Im going to rite 
you. If I dont get no exercise I go all to pieces. 
Im back from the artillery into the infantry. Cap- 
tin an I had different ideas about runnin things. 
One of us had to leave. Hed been there longest. 
I left. Hot headed. Thats me all over. 

Were doin baynut drill now. I cant say nothin 
about it. Its not for wimens ears. We have one 
place where we hit the Hun in the nose an rip all 
the decorashuns offen his uniform all in one stroke. 
Then theres another where you give him a shave 
an a round hair cut an end by knocking his hat 
over his eyes. Then the wiperzup come over with 
a lot of bums an do the dirty work. I an the rest 
of the fellos go ahead an take another trench. 
I havnt been able to find out yet where we take it. 

Its all worked out cientifick. The fello who 
doped it out had some bean. The principul of the 
thing is to get the other fello an not let him get 
you. If the allys had doped out some skeme 
like this the war would have been over now. There 
wouldnt have been no Huns left. It takes us 
Uncle Sammies. Eh Mable? 

22 




'one day its our teeth" 





B,B 



"remember me to your mother' 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 2$ 

There gettin up a thrift campain now Mable. 
First they sell us enough Liberty Bonds to buy 
a brand new army an let us go home. Then they 
cram a lot of insurence at you what wont never 
do you no good after your killed. Then I guess 
they found that someone still had a couple of dol- 
lars left so they made us send that back home. 
Now there gettin up a thrift campain Mable. They 
dont want us to spend our money foolish sos we 
can buy the Singer Buildin or a Ford or some- 
thin like that when the war is over. 

Some one say that we was the highest payed 
army in the world. Besides all this money we get 
our bed and board. I guess they dont know that in 
the army bed and board mean the same thing. 
Eh, Mable? Still the same old Bill. 

There always inspectin us. I feel like a piece of 
prize beef. They never inspect a man all the way 
through. I guess the inspecters get payed by the 
day durin the duration of the inspecshun. One 
day its our teeth an another our heart an another 
our lungs. The other day we was all lined up in 
the company street and the sargent says "Inspec- 
shun arms." I lays down my gun an rolls up my 
sieves. Just to show you how tecknickle the army 
is he didnt want to see my arms at all but my gun. 
Hows a fello goin to tell, Mable? 

I went up for thirds at breakfast the other 



26 DERE MABLE 

morning as usual an the cook said u You seem to 
like coffee." Right away without stoppin to think 
or nothin I says back "Yes thats the reason Im 
willin to drink so much hot water to get some." 
Eh, Mable? 

Went to a dance the other night and met some 
swell girls. I made em all laff. I says I guess I 
gots the instinks of a soldier all right. The minit 
I smell powder Im right on my tows. 

I havent been very well lately. I guess 111 cut 
out eatin at meals. It spoils my appitite for the 
rest of the day. I kno youll be glad to kno 
my feet aint hurtin so much. Remember me to 
the hired girl and your mother. 

Yours through the winter, 

Bill. 



Chair Mable: 

Thats French. I didnt expect you to kno what 
it meant though. The Y.M.C.A. are learnin me 
French now. I only had three lessons so far but 
I can talk it pretty good. You know how quick 
I am at pickin up any kind of trick stuff like that. 
The only difference between French and English 
is that there pretty near alike but the French 
dont pronounce there words right. 

When I use French words 111 underline them. 
Thatll give you some idea of the languige. 

When we get voila as the French say for over 
there itll come handy to be able to sit down and 
have a dosy dos with them poilus. (That means 
chew the rag in English.) A poilus Mable is a 
French peasant girl an they say that they are very 
belle. (Now don't mispronounce things an get sore 
till you know. You pronounce that like the bell 
in push button. It means good lookers.) There 
crazy about us fellos. They call us Sammies. They 
named one of there rivers for us. You have heard 
of the battle of the Samme. But I dont suppose 
you have. 

They have been learnin us a lot about gas at- 

37 



28 DERE MABLE 

tacks lately. These are not the kind your father 
has. These are more like the open places in the 
street on 6th avenoo. Only in the army when 
anything like this happens they give you a gas 
mask. A gas mask is like a cracked ice bag with 
windos in it. An in the front they got a cigaret 
holder. I always heard how the French was cig- 
aret feends. I guess it got so bad they put in the 
holders sos they could smoke during a gas attack. 

Im goin to put on my mask an have my pictur 
took en cabinet. Thats nothin to do with fur- 
niture, Mable. Its the French for what its goin 
to look like when its done. 

The gas fello said the other day that gas was 
perfectly safe cause you could always tell when 
it was comin. You could hear it escape or see 
it or smell it. The only trouble was, he said, 
that when the gas started the machine guns made 
so much noise you couldnt hear it an it always came 
at night sos you couldnt see it and when you 
smelled it it was most to late to bother anyhow. 
I been thinkin that over. Seems to me theres 
a joker in the contract somewhere. Ask your 
father to read it over an see if it sounds droit 
(thats French for right) to him. Better still. Ask 
Higgins the grocer to give it the once over. Hes 
got a grand tete as the French say when they mean 
brains. 



a. a. 




"not the kind your father has' 




I WEAR THEM EVERY NIGHT OVER MY UNIFORM" 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 31 

Its getting frappayer and frappayer down here 
(meaning colder and colder) . It got so cold that 
I put on those sox that you nitted me. I guess I 
wont any more though. I guess my feet are go- 
ing to look like corderoy the rest of my life. Youll 
understand no hard feelin I know. You know how 
delicate my feet is an how I cant afford to prennez 
a hazard with them. 

Thank your mother for the flannel pajammas. 
I wear them every night over my uniform. I 
got to quit now an read some pictur post cards 
that some girls sent me. 

Good night 
(or as the French say Robe de Nuit). 



Dere Mable: 

I havnt rote for some time because I been 
made an officer^-^a corperal. I admit I deserved 
it. I didn't apply for it or nothin though. They 
just come and told me. 

Bein corperal means I dont have nothin more 
to do with details. An at the same time I got 
more details than ever. Thats a sort of a joke 
that us military men understand. You couldnt 
get it probably Mable. Its tecknickle. 

Yesterday being Sunday me an a couple of other 
officers borrowed a couple of mules from the stable 
sargent an went for a ride. We saw a cabin that 
they said was a moonshiners hut but it was broad 
daylight so you couldnt tell of course. 

Its still cold. I wish theyd hurry up and issue 
those gas masks. Theyd come in handy these cold 
nights. The sargent told me that I was goin to 
do interior guard tonight. I guess Im lucky to 
get indoor work this wether. 

You never saw such a place for roomors. These 
are army roomors. They havnt got nothin to do 
with the kind your mother used to take in. We 
here that were going next week an that were not 

32, 




"l BEEN MADE AN OFFICER' 




SOMEBODIED SET A TRUNK ON THE TURKY" 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 35 

goin at all but were goin to be used to guard the 
Chicago stock yards. Then we here that all the 
mounted men are goin to be dismounted an all the 
dismounted men are goin to be mounted. An that 
the rest of us are goin to be made cooks. An we 
here that all non corns are goin to be abolished. 
Its awful hard to tell what is goin on. 

I got your Thanksgivin box two days ago. It 
was only ten days late. I guess the post office 
must have made some mistake. Things is usually 
later than that. It was in good shape except that 
the insides had been squoze out of the mince pie 
and somebodied set a trunk on the turky. Of 
course I divided it up with my squad. Big hearted. 
Thats me all over. Im awful popular with my 
men. They often say they wish Id be made a 
Major or somethin. My men ate up all the 
stuff. All I saved for my self was the white meat 
an half a mince pie. It certainly tastes good in 
the field. Of course we aint in nobodies field. 
Thats a military expreshun. I cant explain it. 

I got to quit now an post a guard. At the same 
time 111 post this letter to you. Thats a joke, 
Mable. Im sorry this letter cant be longer but as 
a man rises in the army he gets less an less time 
to hisself. Olive oil. 

Yours faithlessly, 

Bill 



Mo n XJherry Mable: 

Thats the way the French begin there love let- 
ters. Its perfectly proper, I would have rote 
you sooner but me an my fountin pens been 
froze for a week. Washington will never know 
how lucky he was that he got assigned to valley 
Forge instead of here. It got us out of drill for 
a couple of days. Thats somethin. I guess Id 
rather freeze than drill. Its awful when they 
make you do both though. 

Two of my men has gone home on furlos. Me 
bein corperal I took all there blankets. The men 
didnt like it but I got a squad of men to look out 
for an my first duty is to keep fit. Duty first. 
Thats me all over. I got so many blankets now 
that I got to put a book mark in the place I get 
in at night or Id never find it again. 

We spent most of our time tryin to find some- 
thin to burn up in the Sibly stoves. A sibly stove, 
Mable, is a piece of stove pipe built like the leg 
of a sailurs trowsers. Old man Sibly must have 
had a fine mind to think it out all by hisself. They 
say he got a patent on it. I guess that must have 
been a slack winter in Washington. The govern- 

36 




'BUILT LIKE THE LEG OF A SAILUR3 TROWSERS' 




'YOU PAINT A HORSE BLACK AND WHITE STRIPES 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 39 

ment gives us our wood but I guess that the man 
who decided how much it was goin to give us 
had an office in the Sandwitch Islands. I says the 
other day that if theyd dip our allowance in fus- 
frus wed at least have matches, eh Mable? Im 
the same old Bill, Mable. Crackin jokes an keep- 
in everybody laffin when things is blackest. 

I was scoutin round for wood today an burned 
up those military hair brushes your mother gave 
me when we came away. I told her theyd come 
in mighty handy some day. 

They say a f ello tried to take a shouer the other 
day. Before he could get out it froze round him. 
Like that fello in the bible who turned into a pillo 
of salt. They had to break the whole thing offen 
the pipe with him inside it an stand it in front 
of the stove. When it melted he finished his 
shouer an said he felt fine. Thats how hard were 
gettin, Mable. 

I bought a book on Minor Tackticks the other 
day. Thats not about underaged tacks that live 
on ticks as you might suppose, Mable. Its the 
cience of movin bodies of men from one place to 
another. I thought it might tell of some way of 
gettin the squad out of bed in the morning but it 
doesnt. All the important stuff like that is camoo* 
flaged sos the Germans wont get onto it. 

Camooflage is not a new kind of cheese Mable. 



4 o DERE MABLE 

Its a military term. Camooflage is French for 
cauliflower which is a disguised cabbage. It is 
the same thing as puttin powder on your face in- 
stead of washin it. You deceive Germans with 
it. For instance you paint a horse black and 
white stripes an a German comes along. He thinks 
its a picket fence an goes right by. Or you paint 
yourself like a tree an the Germans come an drink 
beer round you an tell military sekruts. 

Well I guess its time to say Mery Xmas now 
Mable. I guess it wont be a very Mery Xmas 
withut me there, eh? Cheer up cause Im goin 
to think of you whenever I get time all day 
long. Im pretty busy nowdays. I got to watch 
the men work. It keeps a fello on the jump all 
the time. I like it though, Mable. Thats me all 
over. Isnt it? . 

Dont send me nothin for Christmas, Mable. I 
bought somethin for you but Im not going to tell 
you cause its a surprize. All that I can say is 
that it cost me four eighty seven ($4-87) which is 
more than I could afford. An its worth a lot 
more. But you know how I am with money. A 
spend drift. So dont send me anything please 
although I need an electric flash light, some cig- 
arets, candy an one of them sox that you wear on 
your head. Ill spend my last sent on anyone I 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 41 

like but I dont want to be under no obligations. 
Independent. Thats me all over. 

You might read this part to your mother. I 
dont want nothing from her ether. 

Rite soon an plain Mable, cause I dont get 
much chance to study. 

Yours till the south is warm, 

Bill 
Your mothers present cost me three seventy seven 
($3-77)* 



Joli Dame: 

Dont get that confused with Tinkers Dam, 
Mable. Tinkers Dam is tecknickle an aint even 
French. I wish you knew more about these f orin 
languiges. I always herd a fello could express 
himself better in French than anything else. Thats 
because nobody can understand him an he can 
say anything he wants. 

The Christmas holidays is over. I spent mine 
doin Kitchen police. The only thing what pealed 
for me Christmas morning was potatoes an the 
only thing what rung out was dish cloths. But I 
guess you aint familiar enough with the poets to 
get that, Mable. It shows that I can be funny an 
bright though even under adversary conditions. 
Kitchen police dont explain what I do very well. 
I dont walk a beet or carry a club or arrest nobody 
or nothin. I just — well I wish that hired girl 
of yours could come down an do Kitchen police 
for a couple of days. She wouldnt be quitten as 
regular as she does. 

We celebrated Christmas by sleepin till a quar- 
ter to seven instead of hap past six. Only they 
forgot to tell the fello what blows the horn an he 

42 




"l SPENT MINE DOIN KITCHEN POLICE" 




I WISH THAT HIRED GIRL COULD COME DOWN' 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 45 

blew it at hap past six anyway. Imagine if any 
body home had told me I could sleep till a quar- 
ter of seven Christmas morning. I guess you know 
what Id a told him, eh, Mable? 

Theres a fello in town what says he'll send flow- 
ers anywhere you want by telegraph. I was goin 
to send you some for Christmas morning. Then 
I figgered it was a silly idea. In the first place 
theyd get all smashed on the way. An then you 
cant get enough flowers in one of them little en- 
velopes to make one good smell. Nothin if not 
right. Thats me all over, Mable. 

I had dinner in town with Max Glocoses moth- 
er. Hes a fello in our tent. Shes a nice enough 
old lady but she aint military, Mable. We was 
walkin down the street before dinner an salutin 
officers so fast it looked like we was scratchin 
our forheds. An every time we saluted she bowed. 
I didnt say nothin cause after all she was payin 
for the dinner. Later on though she says, "I 
think its fine you boys has made so many friends 
among the officers cause 1 think there such nice 
men." Can you beat it Mable? An when she 
went home she sent Max an officers hat cord cause 
she said she didnt think it would fade as quick as 
that old blue thing he was wearin. 

I like to forgot to thank you for the Christmas 
presents you an your mother sent. Im glad you 



46 DERE MABLE 

minded what I said about not wantin nothin al- 
though Id sent you two presents what was worth 
more than I could afford ($4.87). As I said to 
Joe Loomis who was in th§ tent when your pres- 
ents came, it aint what the thing cost or wether 
you could ever use it for anything. Its the thought. 
Sentiment before pleasure. Thats me all over, 
Mable. 

Thanks for the red sweter, Mable. We aint 
allowed to use them. But you dont want to feel 
bad about that cause I got lots of others an didnt 
need it anyway. An tell your mother thanks for 
the preserves an cake. I think thats what they 
was. They must have packed them between a 
steam roller and a donkey engin from the looks. 
Joe Loomis picked out most of the glass an tried 
some. Hed eat anything, that fello, Mable. 
He said it must have been pretty good when it 
started. Tell that to your mother. I know it will 
please her. 

I got so many presents from other girls an the 
like that its kind of hard to remember if you sent 
me anything else. If you did just tell me in your 
pext letter and 111 thank you when I rite again. 

I hope my presents arrived all right. I guess 
you'll like em. You ought to at the price. As I 
says to the girl what sold em when she says she 
didnt have nothin cheaper "Nothins to good for 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 47 

where there goin." Isnt that tipical of me, 
Mable? 

Well, Mable, perhaps next year 111 send you a 
Dutch helmit maybe. It aint no use wishin you a 
happy New Year cause I know how itll be with 
me away an your father what he is. 

Yours regardless, 

Bill. 



Mon Croquette: 

Thats not the kind with the evenin dress tooth 
pick in the top, Mable. A croquette is a French 
society woman. Study these letters of mine an 
see how I use the words. You ought to be able 
to pick up enough French to understand me talkin 
it when I come home. 

Well, Mable, New Years are behind us again. 
Once more I made a lot of revolushuns. Its no 
use sayin there wasnt nothin for me to change. 
Youre prejudiced. I can see falts where others 
cant. Underneath a plesant exterior I am made 
of sterner stuff, as the poets say. I have gave 
up frivolity with the exception of goin into town 
once in a while to take a bath. Im strong for this 
sanity stuff under any conditions. 

Im makin a study of war. Im goin to tell you 
a sekrut. Im workin on a plan to end the war. I 
got thinkin, as I will, an it struck me that no one 
had gone into this at all. There all figurin hoW 
to go on with it but none of em how to quit it. 
Dont say nothin till I get it worked out. I guess 
you always knew youd here from me when I got 
goin, eh Mable? 

48 




"A CROQUETTE IS A FRENCH SOCIETY WOMAN" 




I SAT NEXT TO A COLONELS WIFE" 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 51 

I also resolved not to put off till tomorrow 
what I can do today. (Old motto.) For instance 
if I can get out of a fatigue today whats the use 
of waitin till tomorrow. The same with sleepin 
and restin. 

I cut out cigarets to. I was gettin to be a 
feend. Got so I had to lite one whenever I got 
thinkin. I was usin up most a package a day. 
Nervous an high strung. Thats me all over, Mable. 
I smoke cigars an a pipe instead. A fello with 
an active mind has got to have somethin. You 
remember what the fello what trained the high 
school show said when he saw me act. Tempera- 
ture. Thats me. Of course its harder to borrow 
pipe tobacco and cigars but Im tryin to show the 
fellos how bad cigarets is. Pretty soon 111 be all 
O.K. again. 

I got that watch your father sent me for a New 
Years present. Tell him thanks very much an 
not to feel bad because he forgot to send me a 
Christmas present cause this wipes out the debt 
entirely. He said it was a military watch an the 
latest thing out. I guess they call it a military 
watch cause it works two hours and stops four. 
Its the latest thing round here. If I answered 
call by that watch Id be fallin in for retreat round 
taps. Its so slow it cant stop quick. 

I got the blacksmith over at headquarters com- 



52 DERE MABLE 

pany workin on it now. Hes an awful good man. 
He was a plumber in civilian life. Thats why 
they made him a blacksmith when he joined the 
army. He says hes goin to fix it sos 111 never 
be bothered with it again. 

I got asked to a dinner New Years night. I 
sat next to a Colonels wife. It was kind of em- 
barassing at first. I put her easy though. I says 
whose that funny lookin old bird sittin across the 
room with a head like an egg. Hes very chic isnt 
he? (Thats a French joke Mable.) She says 
"Thats my husband." As soon as Id stopped 
laffin I started right in an told her the history of 
every man in the company beginnin with the As. 
You know me when I get started. I didnt give 
her no chanst to get embarassed. When she start- 
ed to say somethin I just kept right on talkin just 
to show her that bein a Colonels wife she wasnt 
expected to make no effort. 

I made good, Mable. I guess you kno I would. 
After dinner I heard her ask somebody who in* 
vited me. Then she said somethin like "Hed ought 
to be known better." Never miss a chance. Thats 
me all over. It may mean promoshun or any- 
thing. It may be that shell have me sent to Fort 
Silly to learn somethin. You cant tell. 

I cant think of anything Irnftre that you woulct 
understand. Dont show these letters to kno one. 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 53 

There is to many spize around. I suppose you 
are awful lonesome without me. I dont get much 
time to be lonesome what with drillin an goin out 
somewhere. As soon as things get shook down a 
bit I hope to get more time to miss you. Hows 
your fathers liver? 

Au Riviere, 

Bill. 



Mon Ami: 

Sounds like a scourin pouder, doesnt it, Mable? 
As a matter of fact its the way a French lady 
talks to a fello shes awful fond of. 

Im not an officer any more. I was just goin 
to resine anyways. The Captins been watchin 
me rise an he didnt like it. He knew I knew more 
than him as well as me. Always askin me ques- 
tions. Id always tell him cause I knew he had a 
wife and children in Jersey City an so I was 
sorry for them. Soft. Thats me all over. But 
the other day when I was on guard he says, "Cor- 
peral, whats the General order's?" an I says, 
"Captin if you dont kno them now you never 
will and I wouldnt be doin no service to my coun- 
try if I told you." Cold but civil, Mable. You kno 
how I can be. 

The Captin just felt cheap an walked away. 
I kind of felt sorry for him. Almost told him so 
once or twice. Then I went on guard again. I 
go on guard a lot. The men like me to be cor- 
peral of the guard because when the relief goes 
out I take all their blankets an go right to sleep in- 
stead of standin outside an watchin them freeze. 

54 




'men hate to be watched while they are freezin 




I HAD A REPUTASHUN FOR A DEVIL WITH THE WIMEN 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 57 

Men hate to be watched while they are freezin. 

But I happened to be outside for some reason, 
goin to dinner I guess, an I saw the Colonel com- 
ing. I says "Turn out the guard." (No one 
really turns em out, Mable. They corne out 
themselves.) The Colonel sees who it is an waves 
an says "Never mind the guard, Corperal." So 
I thanks him an goes back to the company an 
goes to bed. 

As soon as the Captin sees that the Colonel is 
savin me up for over there he gets sore. His 
plan has been to kill me before we left here. He 
said he was goin to reduce me. Thats not the 
same way your father reduces when he cuts out 
beer with his meals an sits in a Turkish all day. 
I never said you will or you wont. Just waited 
till he got outside an thumbed my nose at him, 
High spirited. Thats me all over. 

An English officer came over the other day an 
told us all about the war. He didnt quite finish 
it cause he only had three quarters of an hour. 
They was quite a few things I didnt kno even at 
that. He said that the heavy artillery was com- 
manded by the C.C.O.D.A. an the light artillery 
by the C.O.A An theres a special N.C.O. 
ivho has nothin to do but look after the; 
S.A.A. Just imagine, Mable. I wish Id 
studied chemistree more when I was in school. 



58 DERE MABLE 

It would make things a lot easier for me now. 
Then he said that a man always got into his O.O. 
to observe the action of the 75 s. These English 
are always great for dress an that formal stuff. 

Im glad there tellin us this before we go over. 
It would have been awful embarassing to have 
tried to observe the action of the 75s in my 
B.V.Ds. I asked him if they had any trouble with 
the B.P.O.Es. When he left he said "Cheero." 
Without winkin a hair I says "Beevo." Same old 
Bill, eh Mable? 

They said the other day that my name was on 
a list to go to school an learn all about liason. 
I said there wasnt much use in there doin that 
cause I was pretty well up on that stuff. At home, 
I says, I had a reputashun for a devil with the 
wimen. Nobody knows better than you, eh 
Mable? I guess thats a little over your head 
though, Mable. I try to be as simple as I can. 
If Im not just tell me. 

Im ritin this letter with my shoes off. I hope 
youll excuse my bein so informal but Im havin the 
old trouble with my feet. They never been right 
since that winter I taught you to dance. I went 
to the doctor with them an he said to keep offen 
them as much as I could. So they put me to work 
scrubbin the mess shack on my hans and nees. 
I bet if a fello had both legs shot off theyd prop 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 59 

you up against the wall an put you peelin onions. 

I got to quit now. They got a thing called re- 
treat they have every night. I always like to be 
there just to show the Captin Im behind him re- 
gardless. 

Im sendin you my pictur in a uniform pointin 
to an American flag. Its kind of simbolical the 
man said, if you know what that is. I thought 
youd like to put it on the mantle in a conspikuous 
place sos to have somethin to be proud of when 
your girl friend comes in to talk. Id ask you for 
your pictur only I havnt got much room for that 
kind of thing down here. 

yours exclusively 

Bill. 



Dere Mable: 

Everyone round here is goin to school now so 
they can be speshulists. Not the kind your mother 
goes to, Mable. A speshulist only does one thing. 
I been doin everything round here ever since I 
came. I was gettin sick of it. I went to the top 
sargent an says I guessed Id be a speshulist to. 
He said all right he'd make me a food speshulist. 
Said Id have to go into it pretty deep. I been 
into it up to my elbows in the kitchen ever since. 
Never trust sargents. Least of all top sargents. 
If it keeps on like this there wont be nobody to do 
the actual fightin but me, Mable. Its too much 
responsibilety for one man. Suppose I was to get 
sick or somethin. 

An then a bunch of fellos went away to lern to 
be officers. That kind of struck my fancy it bein 
about the only thing I hadnt done round here. 
I went to the Cap tin an told him I thought Id go 
to. He said I could go to, and then he added 
somethin. 

He said a company was built up somethin like 
a man. There was the brain, which was the offi- 
cers, and then some was the muscle an some was 

60 




"IT SEEMED TO DEPRES THEM AWFUL' 




"IF I CATCH ONE OF THOSE AILIN ENEMIES WINDIN UP YOUR VICTROLA 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 63 

the bone. He said I seemed to be pretty well fit- 
ted for my part by nature so he wouldnt change 
me. Ive always been strong ever since I was a kid, 
Mable. 

Ive .rote a pome. I sent it to the Divisun pa- 
per. They wouldnt print it cause they said it was 
so real that it might depres the men. I guess they 
was right cause I read it to the fellos in the tent an 
it seemed *o depres them awful. Im ritin it to 
you. Its about the war. Youll probably notice 
that yourself if you read it careful. Here it is t 



Here the thunder of the guns 
Smashin down the German Huns 
An the sticky pools of gory blood 
Soakin up the oozie sod 
The rushin, roarin, shreekin boom 
Of bullets crashin thru the gloom 

II 

Listen to those grate bums bust 
On the quiverin Hunnish crust 
Listen to the shreekin, moanin, 
Swearin, yellin, gruntin, groanin 
That comes to us across the trenches 
All mixed up with grusome stenches 



64 DERE MABLE 

in 

Biff, an from there hellish lare 

The shreeks of Germans rent the air. 

Bloody lims lie on the ground. 

Bits of Huns go flyin round. 

Bang! And through the cannons roar 

Is plainly herd the splashin gore. 

IV 

But this cannot go on for long, 
Cause Uncle Sam is comin strong. 
And when we charge the German line 
We'll chuck the dam thing in the Rine. 
An blood an slauter, rape an gore 
In Bel Le France will rain no more. 

Aint that terrible, Mable? I read it to one fello 
an he said it made him absolutely sick. He said 
he didn't see how I could rite it without gettin 
sick myself. Just between me and you Mable I 
did come pretty near being once or twice when I 
was ritin it. 

Most of all thats confidential but I dont care if 
you read it to some of your friends just to give em 
a good idea of what war is. Some of the things 
aint very nice of course. If your ritin big stuff 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 65 

though you got to put in everything that comes into 
your head or else you lose the punch. I think the 
ends the best. A lot of fellos has said that. We 
ought to have more of that. It gets the slackers. 

The Rine is a German river where they make 
wine near Berlin, Mable. 

You keep menshuning a fello named Broggins 
in your letters. Now I aint got a spark of jelusy 
in my nature. Big. Thats me all over, Mable. 
But I warn you frankly. If I ever catch one of 
those ailin enemies windin up your victrola 111 kick 
him out of the house. Thats only fair. It isn't 
that I care a snap. Theres plenty of girls waitin 
for me. Its just the principul of the thing. 

Dont think for a minit that I care. I just 
menshun it cause I couldnt think of nothin else 
to say. 

Yours till you here otherwise, 

Bill. 



Pom de mon ole: 

You say that like oie yoy in Yiddish. It means 
apple of my eye. I never saw an apple in no- 
body's eye, Mable, but I guess thats some French 
custom. 

Great news, Mable. A fello whats got a friend 
in the audience department in Washington just 
told me the wars goin to end about the 15th of 
Feb. Dont say nothin to nobody about it. It 
might look as if I was gettin mixed up in politiks. 
I put in for a furlo on the 5th tho. Then I wont 
have to come back, eh Mable? Ill bet your glad. 
Its great to think of gettin into a place where you 
cant see through the walls and there aint three 
inches of mud on the floor. An think of not havin 
to tie the doors together when you come in or 
crawl underneath em on your hans and nees and 
not havin to put everything you own in the world 
under the bed. But I guess you dont care as much 
about these things as I will. 

This would be a good trainin camp for artik 
explorers. I bet the fello that picks out the camps 
ether owns a cold storage plant in civil life or else 
they do it by mail order. It got so cold the other 

66 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 67 

night the silver in the thermometer disappeared. 
It aint been seen since. 

We got a comical guy in the tent. Bill Hug- 
gins. Me and hims a pair. Keep everybody laffin 
all the time. Bill likes things hot about as well as 
me. Every nite he fills the Sibly stove so full of 
wood that he has to hammer the last piece in. 
It gets so hot that it jumps up and down like a 
mad monkey, Thats the way Siblys do when they 
get awful hot. Were not bothered by that much 
though. 

We got another guy thats a fresh air feend. 
His name is Angus MacKenzie. Hes Scotch. Hes 
so close himself that he has to have lots of air 
or hed smother. Every nite he pulls up the side 
of the tent by his bed. No one likes fresh air in 
its place better than me, Mable, but when its as 
fresh as this air is its place is outside. 

I wake up in the nite rolled into a ball like a 
porkypine. Theys things in the middle of my 
back like his stickers. If I dont move I get cramps. 
If I do, I freeze. All around the place where 
Im lyin is as warm as a park bench in winter. 
Sometimes I forget and push my feet down. That's 
awful. 

One night I thought I heard the horn and stuck 
my head out of the blankets. It was Angus with 
his head and one arm outside snorin. Can you 



68 DERE MABLE 

beat that. I bet he swims in the ice all winter 
home and has his pictur in the Sunday paper. I 
froze my ear before I could get my head back. 
Thats the kind of a fello he is. 

Its awful cold in the mornin. They blow three 
calls. The first is just for the slow guys. I can 
make it nice from the march if I dont take too 
many close off. Thats no temtashun. One guy 
jumps up just before assembly and makes a lot of 
fuss like hes gettin dressed. He dont fool no- 
body. The only thing he takes off at nite is his 
hat. Some says that falls off when he gets into 
bed. 

Angus gets up every mornin in his BVDs. I 
think his skin is furlined. You can hear him 
smashin the ice in the pale with a hair brush out- 
side. Then you can tell hes washin by the noise 
he makes like a busted steam pipe. Then he 
comes smashin into the tent leavin the door open 
and wipes the ice offen his face with somebody elses 
towel an says gosh thats great. I hate that kind of 
a fello. 

Bill Huggins cleaned the stove with his towel 
last week sos everything would be neet for in- 
specshun. Angus got hold of it in the dark next 
mornin. Gee, youd haft laft, Mable. 

I got the little tin mirror you sent, Mable. 
Its unbreakable all right. Bill Huggins got so 





e.Q 



"stuck my head out of the blankets" 




WHEN I LOOKED IN THE TIN MIRROR I THOUGHT I WAS STARVIN 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 71 

mad at it he tried to break it and couldnt. The 
first time I looked in it I got an awful start. I 
thought I was starvin. I looked like one of them 
picturs of hungry Indiens that the mishunaries 
show you just before they pass the plate. Bill 
Huggins swiped it later and says why didnt some- 
body tell him he was gettin so fat cause he couldnt 
go home on a furlo like that. He didnt eat nothin 
for three meals and then he looked at hisself 
with the mirror turned the other way. Its like 
one of those Coney Island places where a fello 
can go in and laff at hisself for a dime. 'Next 
time send me one that will break. 

I got to quit now and buy a couple of pies be- 
fore I go to bed. I dont sleep good less I have 
a little somethin on my stummick. Dont say noth- 
in about what I told you in the beginnin. 

Until the 15th Feb. then. 

Yours faithfully, 

Bill 



Dere Mable: 

The Captin aint goin to give me my furlo. Says 
theres an order out against it. Someones got it 
in for me, Mable. I bought a wooley coat awful 
cheap from Bill Huggins. Right away theres an 
order against em. Angus MacKenzie sold me a 
pair of leather leggins for less than he paid for 
them. Some bargain from Angus. The next day 
they issue an order that you cant wear em. Now 
they hear I want to go home an put an order out 
against it. If theyd only come right out an say 
Bill Smith were goin to get you. Sneaky. Thats 
what I call it, Mable. 

Ive half a mind to transfer back to the artillery. 
If I transfer much more theyll be chargin me extra 
fare, eh Mable? Only for me an the Captin not 
bein able to agree Id never have left. I under- 
stand hes been awful sorry since. All you have 
to do in artillery is to put a bullet in the gun. It 
does the rest. In the infantry you got to go up 
and do all the dirty work yourself. 

Besides Im gettin leery of these infantry fellos. 
There always talking about what were goin to do 
to the Germans, blowin em to pieces and slicin em 

72 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 73 

up an throwin em all around the lot. I got thinkin 
what if the Germans was learnin there men to 
do the same thing. They never seem to figger on 
these things. 

An these baynuts, Mable. They aint safe. 
When you get a lot of fellos in a trench with there 
baynuts stickin every which way some ones goin 
to get hurt sure. 

I got those cigars your father sent me. Thank 
him an tell him if he ever gets takin like that 
again not to send such a large box but — well you 
explain it to him Mable. You can do that sort 
of thing much better than I can. Outspoken. 
Thats me all over, Mable. 

Why is it that no matter how fussy a fello was 
when he wore a vest as soon as Ire begins to call 
a coat a blouze no one thinks he knows whats 
what. If you got any old magazenes what was 
old before the war started send em to the sol- 
diers. They wont know the difference. Some 
wimen sent our regiment the Baptist Review for 
three years back. That aint right, Mable. They 
give you candy that comes by the bale. Then they 
come round an watch you eat it. I bet if you 
walked into there place an watched them eat they'd 
raise an awful holler. They make speeches to 
you that youd get your money back without askin 



74 DERE MABLE 

yp north. They give you free movies thats so old 
they look as if they was taken in the rain. 

It seems like feedin the hippo at the zoo, Mable. 
It dont matter so much as long as theres lots of it. 
Im goin into town tonite with a bunch to eat a 
swell dinner on a china plate. All but Angus Mac- 
Kenzie. He eats all his dinners on me. Im aw- 
ful sick of eatin out of a tin fryin pan. When 
you put food in it it folds up like a jacknife goin 
the wrong way. It takes months to make a good 
mess kit eater. 

We get our mess from some fellos what stands 
behind a counter. One of them divides the coffee. 
He does it by puttin half in your cup an half on 
your thumb. The other fellos has big spoons. 
I guess they are old Lacross players. A big wad 
of food hits your plate splash an knocks it squee 
gee. The other f ello hits the other plate an knocks 
it the other way. When you get it all its runnin 
out of one dish up your sleeve an out of the other 
back into the food pans. 

Army food always runs. Cooks love loose 
grub. There awful stupid. If theres anything 
solid you get it in the pan with the rim on it. Then 
they pour the soup on your cover. 

When you sit down half what you got left spills 
out on the table. It isnt so bad now cause every- 
thing freezes about as soon as it hits. 




"they come round and watch you eat it" 




'ARMY FOOD ALWAYS RUNS' 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 77 

You ought to see us eat breakfast, Mable. We 
got so many overcoats and things on that a fello 
dont get no elbow action. Some fellos eats with 
there wool gloves. That aint a good scheme 
though. It makes things taste like eatin peaches 
with there skins on. 

The fello that invented our eatin tables must 
have been a supply sargent once. All the seats 
is nailed to the table. When you get a spoonful 
of loose food up some fello puts his foot in your 
lap and leaves a couple of pounds of mud there. 
I just brush it off tho on the next fello. Never 
complain. Thats me all over. 

Well Mable I got to shine my shoes now and 
go and eat offen china plates with a nigger waiter. 
I don't eat with a nigger waiter, Mable. Its awful 
hard to explain things to you sometimes. So now 
I will close 

Hoping you are the same 

Bill. 



Dere Mable: 

I been thinkin of you a lot durin the last weak, 
Mable, havin nothin else to do. I been in the 
hospital with the Bronxitis. I guess I caught it 
from Joe Loomis. He comes from there. Id 
have rote you in bed but I dropped my fountin 
pen on the floor an bent it. Im all right now. 

I got some news for you, Mable. The cook 
says we only drew ten days supply of food last 
time. He says he guesses when we et that up 
well go to France. Hes an awful smart fello the 
cook. Hes got a bet on that if the allys dont buck 
up an win the Germans is comin out ahead. Max 
Glucos, a fello in the tent, is refere. Were all 
eatin as fast as we can. Perhaps we can eat it all 
in less than ten days. So maybe well be gone, 
Mable, before I rite you from here again. 

Theres a French sargent comes round once in 
a while an says the war is goin to be over quick. 
He ought to know cause hes been over there an 
seen the whole thing. He smokes cigarets some- 
thing awful an dont say much. Thats because the 
ppor cus cant talk much English. It must be awful 
not to talk English. Think of not being able to 

7« 




'he smokes cigarets something awful 




"i POURED SOME OIL OUT OF HIS LAMP" 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 81 

say nothin all your life without wavin your arms 
round an then lookin it up in a dickshunary. 

I feel so sorry for these fellos that Im studiin 
French a lot harder sos theyll have someone to 
talk to when we get over there. Im readin a book 
now thats rote all in French. No English in it 
anywhere, Mable. A fello told me that was the 
only way to talk it good. I dont understand it 
very well so far. The only way I kno its French 
is by the picturs. Some day Im goin to find out 
what the name is. Then Im goin to get the Eng- 
lish of it. Those are some picturs. Aint I fierce, 
Mable? I guess thats why I get on with wimen 
so well. 

I gave up readin it out loud cause the fellos 
said it made em think they was in Paris so much 
they got restless. I cant speak no better yet. I 
guess that comes all at once at the end of the 
book. 

As soon as we got the hot shouers all fixed the 
pipes busted. So the other day the Captin walked 
us all in town to take a bath. I didnt need one 
much. I used my head more than most of em. 
Last fall when it was warm I took as many as two 
a week an got away ahead of the game. I went 
along though. More for the walk than anything. 

I saw the Captin didnt make no move to take 
a bath hisself. I thought he might be shy. He 



82 DERE MABLE 

dont mix very well with the fellos. I felt sorry 
for him. Everyone else was laffin an throwin 
things with him standin off an noone throwin a 
thing at him. I went up an says "Aint you goin to 
take a bath this winter to, Captin?" Just jolly, 
Mable, thats all. I says, "You dont want to mind 
the bunch. They dont care a bit. There as dirty 
as you are anyway. Probably more." An I bet 
they were Mable cause I aint seen the Captin do 
a stroke of work since we come here. Just stands 
round givin orders. 

I says, "If noone wont lend you a towel you can 
use mine. I was just goin to have it washed any- 
way." He got awful red and embarassed Mable. 
I thought he was goin to choke. Hes awful queer. 

Just like the other mornin he calls me over an 
says, "Smith, my orderlies sick. You can shine 
my boots this mornin." He said it like Id been 
beggin him to for a month. An then he says, 
"Smith you can lite the fire in my stove." He had 
me thinkin he was doin me favors. He said I 
might put some oil on his boots if I wished. I 
says that would be a great treat an I wished he 
wouldnt be so kind or the fellos would think he 
was playin favorites. I guess he didnt^here me 
Mable cause hed just gone out. I said it any- 
way. I didnt care if he wasnt there. Spunky. 
Thats me all over. 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 83 

I couldnt find no oil for his boots anywhere, 
Mable, so I poured some out of his lamp. An 
then I dont think that suited him. Queer f ello the 
Captin. 

I keep herein more about this fello Broggins. 
I suppose he belongs to the Home Guards an 
wares his uniform round in the evenin. An I sup- 
pose he has an American flag on his ritin paper. 
It dont mean nothin in my life. I aint goin to 
put up no arguments or get nasty like most fellos 
would. Dignity. Thats me all over, Mable. Let 
me tell you though if I ever come home and find 
him shinin his elbos on the top of your baby grand 
111 kick him down the front steps if I only have 
one leg to do it with. 

. Im ritin this in the Y.M.C.A. in the afternoon 
cause Im goin on guard tonite. I dont see why 
they dont make it a permenant detail and be done 
with it. Someone said the top sargents a man 
of one idea. I guess Im the idea. I didnt go out 
to drill this afternoon. I didnt say nothin to the 
sargent though cause sargents have an idea that 
if they dont get a lot of fellos to go out to drill 
with them they dont look popular. I got to go 
now sos to get in my tent before they come from 
drill As ever 

on guard, 

Bill. 



Dere Mable: 

I would have rote sooner but I had such a cold 
I couldnt say nothin for most a weak. 

Well Mable, we et all the food like the cook 
said but we aint in France yet. I guess he aint 
got as many brains as he said he had. Everyone 
is sore at him cause we didnt kick at none of his 
food for more than a weak thinkin that when wed 
et it all wed go away. He thinks its funny an 
says "Do youse guys think this war is a Cooks 
tour? I hate fellos what tries to get out of things 
by bein smart. 

Everythings covered with mud includin me. I 
seem to attract mud like I was a maggot, Mable. 
Yesterday I spent all the afternoon shinin up for 
guard sos to be the Colonels orderly. Then I 
step out of the tent and flui. The sargent says, 
"Smith dont you know enuff not to go on guard 
lookin like that?" 

I even got mud in my hair. Max Glucos says 
when he combs his its like rakin out a garden. 
From what I seen of him though I dont see how 
he found out. 

Its pourin rain an awful cold. Its so cold that 
84 





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LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 87 

the tooth past rolls right offen your brush in the 
morning. The Captin has a cold in his nose. 
He says he wont take the men out in such bad 
wether as today. Taint nothin against him Mable 
but I hope he has a cold all winter. 

Theres a hole in the tent over my cot where 
the wteter comes through on me. I put a slicker 
over me last nite. The water made puddles in 
it. Then when I turned over they spilt out into my 
shoes. This had me guessin Mable till finally I 
put Max Glucoses shoes there instead of mine. 
Angus MacKenzie had so many holes over his cot 
that it looked like one of those safety fire sprink- 
lers. He got up last nite and rigged his shelter 
half sos the water hit it an run down onto the next 
cot. Hes a brite fello, Angus, even if he is a 
forener. 

The other day he had some medecine for a 
cold. It says on the bottle that it was 17 per 
cent alcohol. He drank the whole thing right 
down sos nobody couldnt get hold of it. It made 
him awful sick but he says thats because he isnt 
used to it for such a long time. Me and hims 
goin down next week to put in a stock of tonics; 

Its awful hard to rite letters, Mable. Some- 
bodys always fallin over your feet or draggin 
something wet over the paper if youve got a cot 
near the door like mine is. And when you get 



88 DERE MABLE 

goin finally at about the fourth try some sargent 
always comes in with a list and makes you check 
up something. 

Sometimes I go over to the Y.M.C.A., Mable. 
But as soon as you get ritin a bald headed fello 
jumps up an says "Now fellos well all sing." All 
the fellos whats ritin looks up an says "Aw one 
thing and another." I dont know who the bald 
headed fello is. They got one in every Y.M.C.A. 
They all look about alike. I guess there a regular 
issue. Theys always a bunch of fellos what dont 
seem to kno why they came. They all start sing- 
in. Then I cant rite no more or do nothin. So 
I come home an go to bed. Independent. Thats 
me all over, Mable. 

Most of the taxis is swalowed up in the mud. 
Theys only two or three runnin now. Only the 
big strong fellos can get to town. The cook says 
its the old theory of the arrival of the fittest. But 
I guess you dont know nothin about cience, Mable. 
When I go to town I wrap my blouze in a news- 
paper. If they know your goin they give you a 
list of things to get that looks like a Chinese 
Message to Congress. By the time you go to 
come home you got so many bundles you look like 
one of those fellos in the Funny Papers. Every- 
one stands in the square looking like a hat rack 
waitin for the three taxis to come along. When 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 89 

they see one they rush it like they do in the movies 
when the milunares cars runs over the poor fellos 
kid. If goin over the top is any worse than get- 
tin under the top of one of them things with fifty 
bundles an as many fellos then Sherman didnt 
know many swear words, eh Mable? But thats 
history. I guess you wouldnt understand. 

And then when you get home without a bath or 
a hair cut or the movies or nothin, an you forgot 
to get that shavin soap for yourself an spent all 
your money they say "Thanks Bill. Put it over 
there. Can you change a ten dollar bill?" There 
ought to be a law against makin money in such 
big numbers. 

Im glad youve taken up singin lessons again. 
You ought to take a lot of em. I got a favor to 
ask. I dont do that offen. Proud. Thats me 
all over. But if that fello Broggins keeps buttin 
round sing for him Mable. It aint askin much 
with me down here defendin you. Although I 
dont see why I had to come down here to do it. 

Yours internally, 

Bill 



Dere Mable: 

This is the last time I will ever take my pen in 
hand for you. All is over among us. 

I felt it comin for some time Mable. Today 
among some letters that I got from girls was one 
from a girl what knos you well. She told me 
all about this fello Broggins. She says you take 
him around with you everywhere. Thats the kind 
of a fello I thought he was, Mable, but Im sur- 
prized at you. She says your awful fond of him 
hes so cute. I aint cute an aint never pretended 
to be. A mans man. Thats me all over, Mable. 
She says she went up to your house the other night 
an he was sittin in your lap stickin his tongue out 
at my pictur on the mantlepiece. After that, 
Mable, theres nothin to say. So I repeat, its all 
over among us. 

Im returnin today by parcels post the red sweter 
an the gloves that has no fingers an the sox that 
you wear over your head an your pictur. Most 
of the stuff aint been used much. The pictur has 
some mud on it cause I had to keep it in the bot- 
tom of my barrak bag an my shoes came next. 
The sox I cant send back cause I sold em to Joe 
Glucos an you wouldnt want em now. 

90 



" . ■ 




"THE LAST TIME I WILL TAKE MY PEN IN HAND FOR YOU" 




"it wont be no use runin to the door" 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 93 

The stuff that you sent me to eat I havnt kept. 
I guess you wouldnt want that anyway Mable. The 
stuff that your mother sent me Im going to keep. 
She wasnt my girl an she didnt have to send all 
that stuff if she didnt want to. 

As for all the things I have give you, Mable, 
keep em. I dont want em no more. I aint even 
goin to menshun all the money Ive spent on you 
for movies an sodas an the Lord knows what not. 
I aint the kind of a fello to throw that up to a 
fello or even menshun it in no ways. I kept track 
of it though in a little book. It comes to $28.27 
and some odd sense. 

An I aint agoin to hold it up against you that I 
been savin in the bank for most two years sos to 
have a little somethin towards that house with 
the green blinds. And that I got somethin like 
$87.22 in the bank if you can believe what that 
eagle beak in the cage rites in your book. All 
wasted you might say, when you think of the fun 
I might have had with it in the last two years. 
Those things we'll just forget. You seem to have 
already. 

An that seasons pass I got for you for the Hap- 
pyhour sos you could keep in touch with things 
while I was away. Keep that and take Broggins. 
Otherwise I got a hunch you aint goin to the 
movies as much as you used to. 



94 DERE MABLE 

I guess this Will hit your father an mother pret- 
ty hard. They got nobody to blame but your- 
self. On the other hand its goin to please some) 
girls that I know. So its a poor wind that dont 
blow nobody round as the poets say. I guess you 
wont here much about the poets any more, Mable. 
About all youll here is Broggins. I hate a man 
what talks about himself. 

I suppose he has joined the Home defence. Are 
you goin to have a military weddin, Mable? 

Im kind of sorry for your father. If you have 
his liver on your hands dont blame me. You know 
the doctor said any kind of a shock would set him 
off a mile. 

An now, Mable, Im closin for the last time. It 
wont be no use runin to the door when you here 
the postman no more cause he wont have nothin 
but the gas bill. From now on the only way youll 
here from me is in the papers perhaps when we 
get over there. 

Now Im going to ask you a favor, Mable, for 
old times sake. Take the pictur I had taken 
pointin to the American flag an burn it up. You 
cant have that to show your friends no more an 
I aint goin to have no flat foot makin faces at it. 
I may be selfish, Mable, but a girl cant make a 
cake an eat it too as the old sayin is. 

Give my best to your father an mother. Tell 



LOVE LETTERS OF A ROOKIE 95 

em I simpathize with them in there loss. Its no 
use ritin any more cause Im firm as the rock of 
Gibber Alter. Concrete. Thats me all over, 
Mable. 

as ever 

yours no longer 

Bill. 



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Dere Mable! How was I to know 
Broggins was a dog. You can send 
Uack all your stuff and make me some 
more if you want' to. * This telegram 
is costing me nine cents a word so I 
cant say no more now.* Thrifty. 
Thats~ me v all * over , Mable. 

"Bill. 



"THAT'S ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 



"Thats Me All 
Over, Mable" 



Dere Mable: 

I take my pen in hand to tell you what do you 
think I done now? I left the infantry an gone 
back into the artillery. The Captin hated to let 
me go. He said the Artillery Colonel ,was a 
friend of his. I guess thats why he finally said 
all right. It wasnt that I was scared of the in- 
fantry. I guess you know that I aint scared of 
anything that walks on two legs except the mea- 
sles. The artillerys really more dangerous than 
the infantry cause you stand in one place so they 
can get a good line on you while in the infantry 
your running round all the time. 

Seein the Captin was so jealous of me I thought 
a fello with brains would have more chance over 
here. I tried to transfer as an officer but the 
Captin said I better go over as a private and as 
soon as they saw what kind of a fello I was theyd 
fix me all right. He seemed to wake up a little 

99 



ioo "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

when he saw I was goin. Im going to put in my 
applicashun for an officer as soon as I get a 
chance. 

I didnt go back to the same battery I was in 
before cause youll remember that the Captin and 
I didnt get along very well. Couldnt seem to 
agree on nothin. I thought it would be pleas- 
anter for me an him to if I went to another bat- 
tery. 

It almost seemed like they was waitin for me 
cause the day after I came over they hitched up 
the horses and drove the cannons out to the range. 
Its kind of hard to explain to a girl like you what 
a range is. The only way I can explain it is that 
it aint nothin like a range. There aint nothin 
here but mountins and we can fire all we want 
without hittin nothin but the mountins and once 
in a while maybe one of the mountin ears. But 
they say there so tough they dont mind it a bit. 
Thats a funny thing about artillery, Mable. The 
object seems to be not to hit nothin. The day 
we got out here I heard the Captin say "Well Im 
glad were way out in a place like this where we 
don't run no danger of hittin nothin." All I said 
was "I like to see a fello careful Captin, but if 
thats all your worryin about you needent have 
taken so much trouble." The longer I know 
Captins the less I understand them. 



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( WE can fire all we want without hittin nothin' 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 103 

This is the rainy season. The south is a won- 
derful country for wether cause everything is 
divided off so well. There is three seasons. The 
cold season, the hot season and the rainy season. 
Thats what makes the place so good. It would 
be awful tiresome if you was always freezin to 
death, or always soaked or always bakein. Now 
you get four months of each. It makes a change 
for a fello. 

Theyve put me on the speshul detail. The 
speshul detail, Mable, is a bunch of fellos what 
knows more than any one else in the camp. I 
sit on a hill all day with a little telephone in a 
lunch box and take messages. They got an awful 
system of sending messages in the artillery. Ill 
be sittin there thinkin of you an waitin for lunch 
and somebody says "Hello" an I says "Hello" 
just like a regular fone. And then they say 
"Heres a message from mmmmmmmm." Its 
always the same fello. I dont know who he is. 
And then they say "Tell Captin mmmmmmmm 
to mmmmmmmmm at once. Please repeat." 
And then I repeat and whoever it is says "No, 
No" and you dont here any more. I guess its 
some kind of a code they have. I dont believe 
the Captin is on to it cause you ought to have 
heard what he said the other day. I guess he 



104 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

was talkin about the fello on the other end. I 
never heard your father do better. 

Its awful dangerous work cause where I sit 
aint more than half a mile from the shells. If 
they ever put a curve on one of them its good 
night Willie. I aint scared of course. I just 
menshuned it sos you wouldnt worry. Ill tell 
you more about the telefone the next time. I 
may know more about it myself then. 
Yours till they curve one 

Bill. 




'I SIT ON A HILL ALL DAY 1 



Dere Mable: 

Were still up at the artillery range shootin. I 
dont know what at. Im beginnin to think nobody 
else does ether. Our guns is pointed right at 
some woods. Weve been shootin at those 
woods now for a week and havnt hit them 
yet. We always seem to go over them. Theres 
a fello stands behind the guns and yells things all 
day like it was a poker game. "Up five, up ten." 
The whole thing seems like an awful waste of 
time to me. Im goin to suggest that we tie a 
couple of horses to a tree and shoot at them. 
The fellos would take more interest in there work 
if there was some reward. It wouldnt bother the 
horses much if we cant hit the woods I guess, eh 
Mable? They can use my horse. If Im willin 
to take a chance he ought to be. 

A fello told me the other day that these torpe- 
toes what we shoot cost as high as twenty dollars 
apiece. I dont believe that though or theyd be 
a law against it. I guess he was talking about the 
guns. Im going to take a couple of torpetoes 
back to camp and see how much the audience de- 

107 



108 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

partment will give me for them. Thrifty. 
Thats me all over, Mable. 

The mountin ears come over and watch us. I 
guess the moonshining business must be lax this 
time of year. A moonshiner makes whisky out 
of corn. Angus MacKenzie tried to make some 
by soaking a couple of ears in a bucket for almost 
a week. It didn't taste like much though an 
made us kind of sick. I guess you have to have 
a still like these fellos have. They call it a still, 
Mable, cause they have to use it on the quiet. 

The mountin ears are awful fierce with big 
adams apples and round hair cuts when they have 
any. They have family foods. I guess they got 
the idea from the movies, Mable. For instance 
the Turners live on the one side of the mountin 
and the Howards on the other. That makes 
them sore so they shoot each other. Accordin to 
the stories they only shoot each other when they 
are goin to church. From the looks of them I 
guess they made that rule to save amunishun. 

Angus an I went out last Sunday looking for 
a still. We thought we had one once and 
watched it most all day but it turned out to be 
just a little shack where they sell fig newtons 
and lemon pop to the fellos. You cant fool 
Angus. 

The more I see of the army, Mable, the more I 




'A BUNCH LYIN UNDER THE TREES' 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" in 

think its an awful bluff. I heard a lot of talk 
when I first came up about a gun park. I thought 
it would be a nice place to go Sundays and have 
some fun. I asked the Captin if there was a lake 
where a fello could get a canoo and have a little 
paddle. He said no but they had a fine collecshun 
of animals. I didnt see nothin of no park when 
we came up. I spent a whole Sunday afternoon 
lookin for it. One day I asked the sargent where 
it was while We were unhitchin. He said we were 
in it then. It isnt nothin but a big field without 
a blade of grass or a tree and just the guns in 
the middle. I told him if he thought this was a 
park he ought to see Weewillo Park home. I 
guess you ought to know, Mable, I paid your way 
in often enough. 

Its like those picturs you see stuck around Main 
Street about men wanted for the army. Theres 
always one fello playin tunes on a bugle, an a 
couple of fellos playin Old Maid on a table. An 
off in the corner theres always a bunch lyin under 
the trees like the High School tennis team having 
there pictur taken. Now that isnt the kind of 
thing we do at all, Mable. If the top sargent 
ever found us like that hed swallo his whissle. 

I had a run in with the Captin last week, Mable. 
I cant seem to get along with Captins. High 
strung. Thats me all over. Every week we 



j 12 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

have an inspecshun and I have to clean the whole 
gun myself. They send the whole bunch down 
but I guess its just to hand me things. Like 
nurses in an operation. It aint much fun I tell 
you. When the Major came around next day he 
opened the little door in the back of the gun and 
I guess he saw how many parts there was to keep 
clean cause he says "My, what an awful bore." 
The Major is all right, Mable. He likes a fello 
to have a little fun once in a while. I guess he 
aint never been a Captin. I says "Yes, Major, 
it certainly is, an nobody knows it better than me 
cause I cleaned the whole thing myself." He 
says "Well if you dont do somethin about it next 
week then you wont have nobody to blame but 
yourself." 

I took the hint right off and when it came time 
to clean guns for the next inspecshun I got a horse 
and rode over to town and took a bath. I told 
the Captin afterwards what the Major had told 
me but I dont think he would care if General 
Perishing had asked me home to dinner. Its 
what he wants. To tell the truth I think he was 

i 

sore cause I got a bath an he didnt. 

Thats a funny thing about the army. If 
theres a speck of dirt on the old guns or the horses 
everyone gets an awful ballin out. But if a fello 




"my, what an awful bore" 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 115 

takes a little time to wash hisself youd think he 
done a crime. 

Well I got to quit now. Im goin on what 
Angus MacKenzie calls a still hunt. Thats a 
skotch joke. 

I think when the wars over 111 marry you an be 

a mountin ear. They dont seem to have nothin 

to do but stand round with there hands in there 

pockets and watch us work. Thats a nice life. 

yours till then 

Bill. 



Dere Mable: 

Spring is come. The buds is stickin out on the 
trees. Pieces of tacksicabs is stickin up through 
the mud on the roads. Yesterday I caught a fly. 
It makes a fello feel romantic somehow or other. 
Some of em shines there shoes and rites home 
oftener. Some has even had there picturs taken. 
Max Glucos was so sure spring was here that he 
got usin the Sibly stove for a laundry bag. Then 
we had a cold night and Angus MacKenzie 
thought it was kindling. Max an Angus aint 
speakin now. Not that that matters much though 
cause they never said much when they did talk. 

It kind of makes me restless Mable when I 
think of you and Main St. and the fello with the 
long hair in Billings and Stover what used to make 
us up Sundays. An I get lonesome for Maple st. 
with you an me sittin at one end of the piazza 
pretendin we was listenin to your father readin 
the newspaper out loud. If I ever get old, 
Mable, dont let me read the newspaper out loud. 
An do you remember how still wed have to sit 
sos the hammok wouldnt squak after eleven 
o'clock or your fatherd stick his head out the door 

116 




'THE FELLO WITH THE LONG HAIR' 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 119 

an say that if I didn't have a home you did? An 
how wed go canooing at Weewillo park Saturday 
nights and stay out till the fello that hired the 
boats out went to sleep. I was always a good 
spender. You know that, but thrifty. Thats me 
all over, Mable. 

I was comin back to camp the other night and 
a guard stopped me and says "Who goes there?" 
an I says without thinkin "Me an Mable every 
Saturday night." Thats the way I am now. 

Max Glucos says poetry. Spring hits him that 
way. Some gets hay fever, some rash and others 
poetry. He says one thing that starts "In the 
spring a young mans fancy vests and socks come 
into view." He says a fello named Burns wrote 
it. Angus says Burns was a hot skotch. But 
I guess you wouldnt understand that. 

Were going to have a divishun show. Of 
course every body in the divishun isnt goin to be 
in it. A lot of them has to be detailed to watch 
it. They asked me what I could do and I said 
most anything but Id like to say a piece called 
Gungadien. Its a piece I came across in a book 
by a fello I never heard of so I didnt think any 
of the fellos would know it. They told me to 
report at the mess shack an theyd fix me up. 
When I went they told me I was electrician cause 
anybody could recite pieces but they had to have 



i2o "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

a fello with a bean on him to be electrician. 
They told me they was goin to hold me for an 
emergency. If the show went rotton an every- 
body got throwin things then theyd send me out. 

Fellos is funny, Mable. Most of em when you 
ask em say they cant do nothin. Then if they 
think they aint goin to be urged they say there 
rotton but theyll have a try at it. Then when 
they get down rehersin they get so pleased with 
themselves they dont want to quit an give nobody 
else a chance. Its part of the electricians job to 
get them away when they get through. One fello 
plays a ukaylaly and sings Howareyoun songs. 
He thinks there so sad that he almost cries every 
time. We think so too but it makes us mad 
instead. 

Thank your mother for the spring tonic she 
sent me. Its funny that a bottle of medicine was 
the first thing that ever came through the post 
office without bein in pieces. I cant say much for 
the taste. I guess thats why it got by the post 
office so well. Your mother rote me to take it 
regular cause it put iron in my blood. Angus 
says we got enough stuff to lug around now with- 
out ballisting our insides with iron. After he 
tasted it he said that if he had to have iron in 
his blood hed rather swallo a couple of nails and 



Bill Bvccfc 



1 




'he thinks there so sad that he almost cries' 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 123 

let them dissolve inside him than take them pre- 
digested. 

Dont send me no more nitted things, Mable. 
Its gettin hotter every day. Next winter well be 
in France. Its nice and warm there all the time. 
Besides Paris is a pretty fair sized town. I can 
run in any time and get what ever I want. Give 
my regards to your father. I hope his liver is 
workin again. I dont suppose he is by any 
chance. 

yours regardless 

Bill. 



Dere Mable: 

I got arrested for a week up at the artillery 
range. That aint a disgrace like bein arrested in 
the city though. Down here some of the nicest 
fellos does it. There aint no jale. I just live in 
a different tent. I guess they couldnt think of 
any place worse to live in than a tent. Im in 
with a good crowd. It makes a nice change from 
drillin. I got arrested for my watch bein slow. 
That shows how strict they are in the army. 

While we was firin at the range the other day I 
was sittin on a hill with the fone takin messages 
from another hill. I was thinkin of you an gettin 
kind of dopy when some one says over the fone 
"This is the General." I says "How do you do 
sir." Curteus. Thats me all over, Mable. I 
guess he didnt here me though. He says 
"Were going to syncopate our watches." That 
was a new one on me Mable. I was goin to tell 
him that mine didnt need it. Its the one your 
father gave me an its been runnin in ragtime ever 
since I got it. 

Then he says "When I say check its ten fifty 
five (10.55)." I thought he was exceedin his 

124 



'THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 125 

authority but I didnt say nothin an when he said 
check I just passed it over. He waited a minute 
and then he says "When I say check its ten fifty 
seven (10.57)." It struck me that I might have 
worked that out myself but I didnt say nothin. 
Then he says after a minute. "When I say check 
its ten fifty nine ( 10.59) ." Then just to save him 
trouble I says "I got a watch myself sir. And as 
a matter of fact your five minutes fast." I guess 
I was slow. But as I say bein in arrest aint no 
disgrace like bein in the city. 

Im going to ask the Captin to let me off this 
telefone job. Whenever they dont know who to 
let out on they let out on the telefone man. What 
they want is a mind reader not a fello with brains. 
The other day the Captin says "Lay this spool of 
wire up that hill." He handed me a thing that 
looked like a trolly cable and weighed about as 
much. Then he went home to read the paper till 
I came back and told him it was done. Thats the 
way with Captins. When I got it all done they 
go and say to the Major "I laid the wire up the 
hill." An the Major says "That was a good job, 
Captin. You must be tired. Have a cigar." 
But I never say nothin. Thats me all over, 
Mable. 

I took the wire like he said and laid it under a 
bush on top of the hill sos nobody could swipe it. 



126 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

When I came down I showed him where it was on 
a little pictur I drew him. An to here him talk 
youd think hed never asked me to take it up the 
hill at all. 

Yesterday we was firin into the middle of a 
field where there wasnt a livin thing to hit as far 
as I could see. If the Captin had to pay for these 
torpetoes I bet hed be more careful of them. He 
was awful excited though. He came up an gave 
me a lot of numbers to fone to his battery. He 
didn't say what to do with them an nothin hap- 
pened. That got him sore. It aways does. 
Captins thinks you ought to know what to do with- 
out tellin you. He started to take it out on me 
bein the nearest. He says "Get somethin off 
quick. Hurry up. Get somethin off quick." So 
just to humor him I took off my shirt as he hadnt 
specified. You cant do nothin right for a man 
like that though. 

Im learnin a lot about cannons an there habits. 
There like horses. When you first get them there 
wild. The Captin told me that every other bat- 
tery but his was awfully wild. He has trouble 
with his though cause the other day they telefoned 
up that theyed just broken one of his guns. I 
guess he likes em better wild cause he got awful 
sore. But you couldnt do anything right for the 
Captin. 




'they get awful fat, of course' 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 129 

You ought to see the Major, Mable. A major 
is a fello that only comes round once a week % 
They get awful fat of course. Ours is taller in 
bed than he is standin up. I guess he is the kind 
of thing they have in mind when they say "not 
to be taken into the front line trenches." 

Im goin to send you one of the torpetoes they 
shoot out of the guns. There lyin all over the 
lot. As far as I can see there just as good as 
new. The Captin said not to touch any of em 
case they mightent have exploded and was liable 
to go off when you handled them. I asked them 
where they was goin to but he couldnt see a joke 
if you hit him with it. Im not takin no chances 
though Mable. I always carry a hammer and I 
pound each one of them good before I pick em up. 

Im beginning to think all this stuff about the 
mountin ears bein wild is a lot of fake. I been 
out with Angus MacKenzie three times huntin 
stills an the nearest thing we found to one was 
a fello what sold Bevo. An they dont seem to be 
very wild. They come round and get our dirty 
wash every day or two and the only wild thing 
is me when they bring it back. They all seem 
to be mixed up on the shavin regulashuns. They 
all shave there necks and let there wiskers grow. 

Well, Mable, pretty soon well be coming back 
from the range an goin into town again. I been 



130 'THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

away so long I bet William S. Hart has grown 
a beard. When you rite I wish youd look up 
and see when lent is sos I could give up a little 
somethin. The way a fello loses track of national 
holidays down here is awful. 

Give my regards to your mother and as far as 
Im concerned to your father to. 

Yours till better times 

Bill. 




THEY COME AND GET OUR DIRTY WASH" 



Here Mable: 

I aint arrested no more. Im back to work 
again. I aint worrying though cause if things 
keeps on the way there goin 111 be arrested again 
pretty soon. I know now why they call it arrest. 
No drill or nothin. All a fello has to do all day 
is go around with a pick and shovel and dig. 

Were still firin away at the range but we havnt 
hit it yet. If they keep firin amunishun around 
much longer they wont have nothin left to fire at 
the Germans but the guns. Eh Mable? Thats 
the kind of thing Im always sayin in line. Keeps 
the fellos from gettin depresed. 

I learned one thing about artillery. It aint as 
dangerous as I thought. They fire at what they 
call a target but it aint like any target I ever saw. 
It aint got circles round it or nothin. Every time 
they shoot they make a little dot on a piece of 
paper to show where the torpeto hit. The idea 
seems to be to hit all around the target but never 
to land one on top of it. If I was out there Id 
make a bee line for the target and sit tight till 
it was all over. Then someone says "The center 
of impact hit the target clean as a whissle." And 

133 



134 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

they all seem awful pleased. From all Ive seen 
if the Germans will only land me on the head with 
a center of impact I wont feel Ive got any kick 
coming. 

I was out with Angus MacKenzie on a still hunt 
an an autymobile came along what belonged to a 
fello what had two sons in the army. I could tell 
cause it had a flag on the front with two stars 
on it. It stopped in front of us. The fello 
what owned it belonged to the cavalry cause he 
had a yello hat cord on. He leaned out and says 
"Dont you see that flag?" I says "yes, sir, I was 
just simpathizing with em." That kind of went 
home I guess cause he got red an says u You re- 
port this thing to your battery commander imme- 
deately." So when I got home I told him that a 
fello what owned a big car had two sons in the 
army. I had to call him out from mess to tell 
him an he says what the this that and the other 
did he care. If you do what your told you get 
in trouble and if you dont you do to. 

The Captins gone to Fort Silly now to learn 
somethin. I just told Angus MacKenzie I 
thought hed get more at Fort Levenworth. But 
thats a tecknickle joke, Mable. Of course you 
wont get it. I guess the Lieutenant thought he 
was in the audience department or somethin cause 
right away after the Captin left he came down and 



I 



• ♦ 



/ \ 






» 

* * 

I 



\ / 



/ 



.%•.. '•' Vs. 4 - •» 



Bill «Bvecft 



'IT AINT AS DANGEROUS AS I THOUGHT" 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 137 

said now he was goin to make a battery out of 
us. I told him I knew where there was a good 
dry cell just above New York. That fello 
wouldnt laff though, Mable, if Joe Miller his- 
self told him a joke. All he thinks of is smoothin 
out horses. 

The feelin between me and the horses seems to 
grow worse every day, Mable. I think my horse 
has got me mixed up with somebody else. I 
never did nothin to him except bring him down 
some of my breakfast one morning. The sar- 
gent is always tellin me to pick up his feet. I tell 
him theres no call for that. He seems to be able 
to do it pretty well all by hisself. He has em in 
the air most of the time when Im around. 

He kept pesterin me though till the other day 
I thought Id show him I could do it. I put his 
front foot through the spokes of a wheel and 
tied it then grabbed the back one and gave an 
awful heave. Its a way Ive worked out for 
handlin bad horses. I figured hed have to be 
pretty good to stan on one leg and kick me with 
the other. But when he found he couldnt kick 
me he lay down on top of me. Mean, 111 tell the 
world. 

Now the stable sargent says I hurt the horse. 
Thats stable sargents all over. If the horse had 
bit my head off hed have thought it was an awful 



138 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

joke. All I say is that Im not as strong as a 
horse even if I did win a lot of cups at high school 
an if I can stand on to legs a horse can to only 
hes to lazy. 

Max Glucos and Angus and me goes over to 
see the mountin ear what sells Bevo once in a 
while. Were tryin to catch him some day when 
hes wild. He aint been wild so far ceptin one 
day when we forgot to pay him. Angus saysi 
they only get wild certain times of the year. 
Angus wont drink Bevo. He says it looks the 
same and tastes the same but it aint gpt the 
same influence with him. 

The mountin ears hate niggers. This one has 
been tryin to get us to go on what he calls a coon 
hunt ever since we been up here. Were goin 
with him this week. They hunt them at night. 
I suppose thats so you cant see them so well. He 
takes the dogs sos they can smell the coon. I 
guess the mountin ears got a cold. The coon 
climbs a tree, then you cut the tree down and then 
the coon of course has to come down to. I won- 
der what they do with them when they get them. 
It seems foolish to go to all that trouble when 
you can find a dozen of them in every little house 
you come to. 

Angus has got a rubber bath tub sent him. He 
thinks its great cause you can fold it so small it 




'ANGUS LIKES IT CAUSE HE CAN SIT DOWN IN IT' 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 141 

goes in your pocket. Who wants to carry a bath 
tub in there pockets ? I guess its a skotch custom. 
Perhaps they take it out while there waiting for 
a street car and take a bath. Angus likes it cause 
he can sit down in it. When he does it fits him 
like it was tailor made. All the rest of the bath 
slides off him onto the floor or into my shoes. 

Well Mable I got to quit now and help out one 
of the sargents what has a job cleanin some har- 
ness. Hes a nice fello and he asked me to come 
down about two hours ago. I guess 111 go down 
now and see if there through. Willin. Thats 
me all over. 

yours patrioticaly 

Bill. 



Dere Mable: 

Its so foggy that we cant fire at the range. I 
dont see what difference that makes though. I 
havnt seen nothin since we started but a bunch of 
trees in front of the guns. Im goin to rite you 
a letter if the top sargent dont remember that 
he aint put me on no detail. We leave the guns 
out all night. Just sos well have somethin more 
to guard I guess. Were supposed to take turns 
guarding. As far as I can make out that means 
me and the rest of the battery altercate every 
other night. I suppose they think some of the 
mountin ears is goin to take one of the guns and 
go drivin with it. Angus MacKenzie, the skotch 
fello, says they have to guard em sos they wont 
go off. That sounds kind of silly to me though, 
Mable. 

I been raisin a mustash. That is I was till 
yesterday when I cut it off while I was shavin and 
thinkin of you. I was sorry cause it was comin 
good. You could see it as plain as day with the 
naked eye. (Thats just an expreshun, Mable.) 
In a couple of places I could catch hold of it. 
They say nothin grows very good down here, 

142 




IF THE TOP SARGENT DONT REMEMBER" 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 145 

though, but cotton. I guess 111 wait until I get to 
France. 

The Lieutenant told us today that when we 
got over there wed all have to read meters. I 
cant see what thats got to do with artillery. That 
used to be Max Glucoses business though. Hes 
teaching me how. He thinks maybe if we study 
theyll make us meter spechulists. Spechulists 
dont have to get up so early. Angus says he 
thinks they put meters on the gas shells. That 
shows how systumatic they are. 

And they say there goin to give us Infield rifles. 
I think they got it mixed up with base ball. It 
seems as though when you join the artillery you 
join everything else at the same time. I suppose 
the next thing theyll do is learn us a little navi- 
gashun. 

Ive started savin again Mable for the little 
white house with the green blinds. Last month 
I saved a dollar eighty six ($1.86). That with 
five dollars ($5) I borrowed from Joe Loomis 
makes almost seven ($7) dollars. I aintthe kind 
of a fello thats always bothering his girl with 
money matters. I believe in keepin business out of 
the home. Close. Thats me all over, Mable. 
But in the bigger things I think you ought to know 
how we stand. 

We may have to go at the house kind of 



146 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

gradual. Buy the blinds first say. But theys one 
thing about it. Ive been ruffing it so long in the 
army that there aint no kind of hardship thatll 
bother me. 

The mountin ears has funny customs, Mable, 
and yello dogs without any stummucks. Angus 
an I was out ridin last Sunday lookin for a still an 
got cold. We stopped at a cabin an a fello came 
out with a round hair cut an says "Howdy boys, 
wont ye light an strip?" Angus says that he 
didnt have no figger for that but wed come in an 
get warm. Eh Mable? 

Once in a while when we cant eat what the 
cook gives us which is most of the time we go 
down the road to a mountin ears wife what makes 
pan cakes. She always carries a kid under her 
arm like an over coat. It looks as if the kids 
head was on the stove most of the time. Angus 
says she greases the griddle with it. I dont know 
about that, but the mountin ears is awful tough 
people. 

Me an some of the other fellos went to a 
mountin ears party in a little town near here the 
other night. There was a lot of girls there with 
funny noses. When they saw us they all ran in 
a corner and laffed at us. That made me kind 
of sore cause we hadnt invited ourselves but been 
ast. The lady that ast us said the girls had there 




SHE ALWAYS CARRIES A KID UNDER HER ARM* 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 149 

old close on and was ready for anything. We 
played old maid till half past nine. Then the 
lady what ast us brought in a bowl of apples and 
our hats. She said the girls was all nice and they 
couldnt galyvant round all night and get talked 
about. 

The Lieutenant told us that in a couple of weeks 
the whole artillery brigade is comin up an there 
goin to have a garage fire. I told him if he knew 
about it so far ahead that there wasnt no excuse 
for such a thing. Though I should think that 
would be all a garage would be good for around 
here. You cant tell the Lieutenant nothin though 
since the Captin went to Fort Silly to learn some- 
thing and left him in charge of the battery. I 
think the authority has gone to his head. Angus 
says its gone where its least crowded. 

I read the other day, Mable, that there makin 
the cups rough on the bottom now so youll think 
theres sugar in them. They cant fool me though. 
Quick. Thats me all over. 

Dont feel you got to stop nittin me things just 
because I cant use them now. You cant tell when 
well have another winter. Besides it gives you 
somethin to think about when you sittin talkin. 

Im sending you a new piece on the phoney- 
graph that I got in the ten cent store. Its called 
"look out Germany, I am comin." It gives you 



150 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

an idea of the way I feel. I got to stop now an 
go an see some fellos in another battery. I just 
herd the top sargent blow his whissle. 
yours till I rite again 

Bill. 



Dere Mable: 

I would have rote you before this only the 
fellos in my tent is too tite to buy any paper. It 
wouldnt take much, though, to tell you what I 
been doin. If I ever rote a book about my ad- 
ventures same as that fellow Empty what rote 
the book called "Over the top and go to Hell" 
it would run in competeshun with the Manual of 
Inferior Guard. Im gettin so I can only sleep 
four hours at a time. The only trouble is that 
it works the other way. When I do happen to 
miss a day not bein on guard I have to go to sleep 
after I work for two hours. Of course that inter- 
feres with the drill skedule, Mable, but you cant 
explain nothing to a top sargent. 

I overslept the other mornin. I didn't here the 
horn. I dont see how they expect a fello to here 
the horn if hes a sleep. If he herd it hed be 
awake. I got out before they started firin anyway. 
I had to go without breakfast to do it. I wasnt 
goin to complain about that, though. Soldierin 
every minit. Thats me all over, Mable. The 
Lieutenant got awful sore. I guess he was mad 
cause hed got up earlier than he had to. He said 

151 



152 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

he was goin to prefer charges and asked me 
what I had to say. I told him every man to his 
taste and if he was askin my opinion Id prefer to 
go back to bed. Awful excitable fello, the Lieu- 
tenant. 

I saw a letter on the tops desk yesterday about 
the meddles a fello can get now. Theys all kinds 
of different ones. Somes from Congress and 
somes from the Ward Apartment. Im goin to 
rite my congresman as soon as I finish this letter 
and get a bunch of them. Of course I wouldnt 
wear them till I do somethin pretty good but I 
figure out that itll take so long to get em over 
there that it would be better to get em now and 
take em over with me. 

Im goin to tell the congresman to that as far 
as Im concerned Id like to go to France as soon 
as I can. Its gettin nice and warm now for 
travelin. I want to see the Champs Eliza. 
Thats a street in Paris that was named after 
Queen Elizabeth. But thats history, Mable, I 
dont suppose you understand. They tell me its 
even better lookin than Broadway or Fortysecond 
(42nd) street. 

I saw in the Sarahcuse papers that they thought 
the artillery was goin there to expand. If I ex- 
pand any more, Mable, Im going to bust my belt. 
I dont know why it is. I dont eat nothin outside 




"I DONT EAT NOTHIN OUTSIDE OF MEAL HOURS EXCEPTIN A FEW PIES' 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 155 

of meal hours exceptin a few pies and the like 
but I get fatter and fatter. I never think of eatin 
when Im not hungry like some fellos. A fello 
what does that is makin a pig out of hisself I 
think. 

Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, was out 
guardin the guns with me the other night. He 
went to sleep on an aunt hill. I guess the aunts 
thought he was a new mountin or somethin cause 
they was all standin on him the next mornin. To 
look at the sunrise I says, eh Mable? Angus 
didnt seem to care though. He says Napoleun 
had the same thing happen to him and was always 
tellin how an army traveled on his stummick, 
Nepoleun, Mable, is the fello that Washington 
licked. They named that three colored ice cream 
after him. 

All day long while were firin, Mable, a fello 
from Brigade headquarters stands near the guns 
and looks through a big glass with horns on it. 
I guess hes to lazy to hold it hisself so he brings 
out camera legs and puts them under it. He 
looks through the glass and seems to see a lot of 
numbers that he tells to a fello what stands be- 
side him. I dont see where he sees them. I 
looked through the glass the other day while he 
was eatin lunch and I couldnt see a thing except 
the side of the hill. Then he came back and 



156 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

looked through it and read off a string of them. 
The fello beside him rites down everything he 
says. I looked over his shoulder the other day. 
It looked more like a Jewish curse to me than 
anything else. 

The Lieutenant came down the other day and 
told us to get all shined up cause the Sanitary in- 
spector was comin out to look us over. I thought 
hed be all dressed up in white with white tennis 
shoes like fancy bakers and sanitary barber shops. 
He wasnt though. He just had on a regular 
uniform. I didnt think he was speshully sanitary. 
It may have been sunburn though. I couldnt tell 
from where I stood. 

He had a fello with him they said was from 
the audience department. I know now why they 
call it the audience department. All they do is 
come round and watch us work. Thats a branch 
I didnt know about till after Id joined this. 

Well, Mable, I got to quit now and go and 
look at the Guard rooster to see if I answer sick 
call tomorrow mornin. They say the Germans 
is raisin the dickins. I wish theyd hurry up and 
get me over there. 

yours eternally, 
in haste 

Bill 




'I COULDNT SEE A THING EXCEPT THE SIDE OF THE HILL' 



Dere Mable: 

I thought Id rite you and let you know they 
wasnt nothing particular to say. Theyve called 
off the firin for a few days till they can get some 
more amunishun. If theyd only scatter a few 
Germans out there it wouldnt be such an awful 
waste. Ive fired so much now I guess I could fire 
anything. Tell your mother the first thing Im 
going to do when I get home is fire the cook. 
Same old card, eh Mable? 

Jts nice and warm here now. We havnt used 
the Sibly stove for a week exceptin to keep our 
dirty wash in. An old nigger comes round once 
a week and takes it out. I cant figger that nigger 
out, Mable. From the looks of the wash he 
brings back he thinks I only got one leg and from 
the looks of the bill he hands me he thinks Im a 
sentapeed. Angus says hes not all there hisself. 
Thats why he loses so much. 

We had a boxing fight the other night. The 
Lieutenant says they increase the moral. I dont 
think they do the non corns no good though when 
they see the wallop some of the fellos in their 
squad has got. Joe Loomis has been talkin so 

159 



160 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

much about how he could lick the whole divishun 
with one hand behind his back that we got him to 
go in. I put some money on him at his advice. 

I guess he made his mistake in not tyin his 
hand. Somebody told me he was fast. He was. 
He outran the other fello all the way. Angus 
says they ought to make speshul fighting rings 
with banked corners sos fighters could make better 
time. 

Joe thinks he won yet. He says if he hadnt 
slipped and fell out of the ring on his elbow hed 
have nocked that fellos head offen his shoulders 
so hard it would have hurt somebody. Im glad 
I borrowed the money I bet on him. It might 
have been a total loss. 

Im going to ask the Lieutenant to make me 
a bugler, Mable, sos I can find where buglers go 
between meals. Nobody ever sees a bugler ex- 
cept at mess and on payday. Ive asked a lot of 
fellos but nobody knows what becomes of them. 
I wouldnt want to be a bugler all the time. Its 
two much strain on a fellos face. As soon as I 
find out where they go 111 transfer back 'as a 
fighter. 

I went into town the other night, Mable, and 
went to a dinner that me and a lot of other fellos 
was ast to. I sat next to a lady what didnt seem 
to have much on but a lot of jewels as far as I 




'HE outran the other fello' 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 163 

could see. Of course she was sittin at the table, 
Mable. I looked the other way all the time I 
was talkin to her cause I didnt want to embarass 
her. I was going to offer her my coat but I didnt 
see why I should take cold if she wanted to. 

We didnt talk much. Once she looked at me 
for a long time and then says "You know, Mr. 
Smith, every time I take a hot bath I feel very 
guilty." All I said was "Because youre not shar- 
ing it with somebody I suppose." Then we 
didnt talk much again. 

There was a lady across the table with turtle- 
hide eye glasses what was collectin things for the 
sufferin in the Palacestein. I asked her why she 
didnt put an add in the paper askin everybody to 
send in there old brown derbies. Nobody got it 
though. I was the only one at the whole table 
that a got a laugh out of it. 

Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello was there. 
He says he likes that kind of a party. He is 
always full of get up and go from the minute he 
gets there. 

I never saw so many dying relatives in my life 
as is comin by telegram every day. Have you 
got an epidermic or somethin up north, Mable? 
It seems as if everybody I know had been home 
at least once to help his grandmother die. None 
of em seem to care much for their relatives, 



164 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

though, from the way they act when there startin 
home to watch them pass away. I asked the 
Lieutenant for a furlo. He wouldnt give it to 
me. Got it in for me just like the Captin did. 
I wish youd telegraph him that you died quietly 
and couldnt I come up for the funeral "on or 
about" the middle of the month. 

While we was firin at the range the other day a 
couple of fellos rode out by the targets lookin for 
shells. It was the first time wed seen anything 
worth while firin at. Everybody was right on 
there toes. I guess the Lieutenant didnt see em 
though cause he had us cease firin. Dopy. 
Thats the way he is all the time. I dont see how 
were ever going to learn nothin if we dont ceaze 
our opportunities. 

I dont guess theres any use in my askin you if 
your havin a good time. I dont see how you 
could be under the circumstances. Just make the 
best of it Mable and as soon as me and the rest 
of the fellos can get things straightened out 111 
come back and paint the canoe again, 
until then 

yours faithfully 

Bill. 



a//{ BreU 



* \ 




®M \ 



'I SAT NEXT TO A LADY WHAT DIDNT SEEM TO HAVE MUCH ON BUT 
A LOT OF JEWELS" 



Dere Mable: 

I am bustin into societie up here at the range. 
This needent make no difference between you and 
me though. There aint nothing stuck up about 
me but my hair. Thats all right so long as its 
good and wet. Last Sunday while I was takin 
a bath in a little town near here the minister ast 
me to dinner. Not while I was in the tub, of 
course, Mable. Just after. He ast Joe Loomis 
to. He had to really cause he was with me. 
Hes not a regular minister. Hes got a lot of 
money and pointed shoes an is down in the moun- 
tins for cronik azmuth. Awful highbrow, Mable. 
Dont know who Ring Lardner is and changes 
the needle after every record. 

The minister has two daughters, both girls, and 
a wife. One of the girls is good looking and 
the other is more like youd expect. I guess shes 
a pillo of the church. Joe was ast for her while 
I amused the good looker. Anybody but Joe 
could have seen that. Not him. He kept buttin 
in an makin an ass of hisself. 

We was ast for dinner at hapast one. Joe 
thought it would be politer not to run in an eat an 

167 



168 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

run out like it was a canteen so we went a little 
early. About noon. They played highbrow 
pieces on the phoneygraph. The kind that has 
only one tune on them an cost so much that every- 
body has to lissen. Joe dont know nothin about 
music of course. Right while K. Russo was havin 
an awful time he says if theyll speed it up he like 
to have a little dance. 

The minit we sat down to dinner Joe started 
tellin one of his stories about how he almost got 
killed one time. They was all waitin for him 
to shut up sos the minister could say grace before 
the soup got all cold. Joe thought they were 
listenen to him. Thats somethin that aint ever 
happened to him before. He kept draggin it out 
and draggin it out. The only thing that finally 
stopped him was that he forgot the point. Then 
the minister put his nose in his soup and began 
sayin grace. Joe thought he was talkin to him 
and kept askin "Hows that and what say" all the 
time he was prayin. 

I aint never goin out with that fello no more. 
I guess thats safe cause he wont never be ast. 
All the time durin dinner he kept sayin, "My 
gawd I hate to make such a hog of myself." 
Then the minister would look like hed lost some 
money and my girl would giggle. The ministers 
wife passed him some stuff she said was real old 




'THE MINISTER HAS TWO DAUGHTERS — BOTH GIRLS" 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 171 

spider corn cake. Joe said he didnt care how 
old it was. Since hed been in the army hed got 
sos he could eat anything. Then he thought a 
while an says he guessed it must have been a re- 
lief to the spiders to get rid of them. Nobody 
said nothin. Just to show his poyse Joe took his 
fork out of his mouth and speered four pieces of 
bread across the table. 

He was all for keepin the same plate through 
dinner and gettin up an helpin. Said he knew 
what it was like to be in the kitchen on Sunday. 
They forgot the coffee till dinner was over. They 
didn't like to waste it I guess bein war times so 
the ministers wife ast us if wed like to go into 
the drawin room an have it. Joe said he wasnt 
much at drawin but My gawd if he sat round 
makin a hog of hisself any_longer theyd have to 
give it to him in a bed room. 

They gave us coffee in egg cups. Seein I 
wasnt payin for it I didnt guess it was my place 
to say nothin. Manners. Thats me all over, 
Mable. We got talkin about one thing and an- 
other. I was tellin them about the war and 
when it was goin to end. Joe was sittin on the 
sofa with the other daughter pickin the sole of 
his shoe. I felt sorry for him cause I knew hed 
be lookin at fotygraphs pretty soon if he didnt 
buck up. 



172 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

The ministers wife asked me what I thought of 
wimmins sufrage. I said I thought it was a good 
thing but you couldnt tell. Thats the beauty of 
always keepin read up on these things. If you 
happen to get outside the army for a little while 
and meet some inteligent people you can talk on 
pretty near anything. Then she turned to Joe 
and ast how he felt. Joe jumped like somebody 
sprung out at him an says "A little sick to my 
stummick thanks but thatll be all right as soon as 
things set a bit." 

The good lookin one said she thought our offi- 
cers was awful cute. I guess she never seen our 
Lieutenant. She said she just couldnt resist them. 
I says, quick without thinkin it up "Of course, its 
against the law to resist an officer." That got 
them all laffin an they forgot Joe for a little while. 

Both the daughters sang a duette. Joe says 
that was the best thing about it. They got 
through twice as quick. We got laffin so hard 
that I says I guess wed have to go sos to be in 
time for mess. Then Joe got awful polite and 
backed over a rubber plant an says "My gawd 
excuse me." He wont never be ast again. 

Ive been wonderin for a long time, Mable, why 
the audience officers all wear spurs. They dont 
ever ride a horse of course. I ast Angus 
MacKenzie, the skotch fello, the other day and 




"they gave us coffee in egg cups" 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 175 

he says its to keep there feet from slidin off the 
desk. Aint that a funny custom? 

I guess were goin to begin shootin again pretty 
soon. The Lieutenant says the artillery is goin 
to have a Brigade problem and the infantry is 
comin up from camp for it. I guess well all take 
a lot more interest in the shootin if theres some- 
thin worth while to fire at 

yours in spite of better things 

Bill. 

P.S. Joe Loomis just got a letter that smelt and 
what do you suppose, Mable? It was from the 
goodlookin daughter askin him to come over to 
dinner next Sunday all alone. I guess there not 
as high brow as I thought. 



Here Mable: 

Were back from shootin at the range. We 
ended up by firin at the infantry. That was what 
they was talkin about when they said there was 
goin to be a garage fire. Thats the army all over, 
Mable. Tecknickle. The firin was a total fail- 
ure, Mable. We fired at the range for three 
months an never hit it. That aint surprisin 
cause I never see nothin except some trees in front 
of the guns and we always fired over those. 
When they finally got wise and put some infantry 
out there for us to fire at we missed them abso- 
lutely. Fired everythin in front of them. 

Dont say nothin about this cause it might get 
into the papers and cheer up the Kizer. Its all 
the Captins fait. I guess he thought he had an 
Aunty Air Kraft battery. That fello comes from 
Far Rockaway and he lives in the last house. 

The last mornin we fired the Lieutenant says I 
was battery agent. It seemed kind of silly to me 
to bother about sellin stuff while we was firin but 
thats the Lieutenant. He got away before I could 
ask him what I was to sell. I bought a lot of pop 
and crackers and stuff and tried to sell em to the 

176 



Qitl BiecK 




V 







"THE FIRST SARGENT WOULDNT LET ME' 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 179 

fellos, while they was firin. The first sargent 
wouldnt let me. I told him I was battery agent 
but not him. That fello wont have to wear no 
steel helmut when he gets to France. I ate it all 
myself. 

If the Lieutenant is goin to keep me as battery 
agent now were back Im goin to ask him if I 
cant rig up a little office. I wouldnt be surprised 
if they had me up in Washington pretty soon. 
Lots of the fellos say they ought to send me some- 
where. Im ritin up to N. Y. where theres a place 
where they make sofa pillos with fellos goin over 
the top on em and gold rings with your girls name 
on em free for a dollar twenty ($1.20). 

The last week on the range we lived in pup 
tents. A pup tent Mable is like the roof of a 
dog house without the house. They call em pup 
tents cause no one but a very young dog would 
be fool enough to sleep under one. There made 
out of a couple of pieces of stuff like what you 
make porus nit underclothes out of. You button 
em together if theres any buttons. It dont make 
much difference as far as keepin the rain out is 
concerned. The only thing they do to the rain is 
to strain it. 

I guess these pup tents we got is an old issue 
what was wished on us by the Japaneze army. 
When an ordinary sized fello lies down in one 



180 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

(and thats all you can do in em) hes out doors 
from the nees down. The Major came round 
Sunday night. I guess he made a mistake and 
thought it was Saturday, Theres a rule that 
Majors only come round on Saturday cause they 
bother the men. The Major says "I guess well 
blow taps an hour early tonight cause the men is 
all in." An I says back right out loud "There 
aint anybody goin to get all in these things, you 
big overgrown boob," only he happened to be 
away down the street and didnt hear me. It didnt 
make no difference to me though. I said it any- 
way. High spirited. Thats me all over, Mable* 

Angos MacKenzie, the skotch fello, says that 
these is skotch pup tents. The skotch he says 
dont ever wear nothin below the nees. I guess 
Angus aint a pure skot though cause I heard him 
and Joe Loomis arguin this mornin cause Angus 
had swiped Joes horse blanket to wrap round his 
legs. 

It rained for three days before we left. You 
could have squoze water out of my pistol, Mable. 
They say a fello is two thirds water anyway. I 
bet I was 99 and ninety nine 100 per cent pure, 
eh Mable? 

Monday mornin we hiked back to camp. They 
got us up so early I thought they was blowin taps. 
The Lieutenant was awful sore. I guess a drop 




"the only thing they do to the rain is to strain it" 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 183 

of water came through his tent somewhere during 
the night and lit on him. He looks at me and 
says "As you were, Smith." All I says was "111 
never be again, Lieutenant." 

They made me a driver the last minit on the 
hike comin home. I guess there breakin me in 
to every place sos they can let the rest of the 
battery home on furlo and let me do all the work, 
from the looks of it. They showed me two 
horses hitched to the gun and told me they was 
mine. Right away I seen that the right hand 
horse was all hitched up and there wasnt nobody 
there to ride him. So when the sargent says he 
was all ready I says "No we aint. I aint goin 
till the fello what rides this horse is here. 
Theres enough favorites being played in the bat- 
tery now." 

That showed the Lieutenant where I stood. 
He said the fello what usually drove the horse 
was on speshul duty coilin up firin lines. When 
he put it that way I agreed to lead the right hand 
horse in to camp. Angus says they call the right 
hand horse the off horse because the fello what 
rides him is always off doin somethin else. He 
aint the only fello whats off round here though. 
I can tell you that, Mable. 

Theres a roomor around here that were going 
to Honey Lulu. Joe Loomis has sent for his 



184 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

Ukaylaly. Angus says hes orderin a grass cutter 
to take with him sos he can make hisself one of 
those grass suits over there. I guess the next 
time I rite it will be from there, 
yours till then 

Bill. 



Dere Mable: 

I guess I was born with a silver spoon in my 
mouth though up to now I thought Id swallowed 
it. I told you Id make you happy some day. 
Now Im going to. Im comin home on a furlo. 

I always wished theyd kristened me somethin 
besides Smith till now. Theres a fello named 
Patrick Smith what lives two tents down with a 
red nose and hair that hangs down under his hat. 
His mother rote the Captin an said she was dyin. 
She said she didnt expect to live more than forty- 
eight (48) hours or however long it took for her 
son to get home. 

The Captin thought it was me. He called me 
up an says "Smith your mother is sinkin rapidly." 
I couldnt believe that though cause she woudnt 
never go near any place where they was water. 
Then he read me the letter. I knew right away it 
was Patrick Smith's mother cause he was figurin 
last week on the most likely one to kill off sos he 
could get home. 

I never let on though. Quick. Thats me all 
over, Mable. I says "Gee, thats to bad" like I 
was all broke up. And then I said "Shes the 

185 



186 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

only mother I ever had Captin." I said it so 
sad that I almost got myself cryin. An the Cap- 
tin says "Well Smith, you been workin pretty 
hard an need a change. Ill give you a ten day 
furlo to go home to the funeral." Nice fello 
the Captin when you get to know him. 

Im comin up Mable just as soon as I can bor- 
row enough close and the like. It seemed to me 
when I used to lay out my stuff for inspeckshun 
Saturday mornins that I had enough junk to equip 
the draft army. I just been lookin over my stuff 
to find somethin to wear home. It makes a fello 
feel half nakid. 

Im going to borrow the money to buy my rail- 
road ticket so you see the trip aint going to cost 
me a cent. I bet youll be glad to have someone 
round who aint skared to change a quarter once 
in a while. 

Its kind of hard to get a suitcase. Theres 
only one in the battery. The fello what owns it 
says its made the trip north 25 times. From the 
looks of it hes modest. Else the last fello tied 
it to the end of the train and let it drag all the 
way. I guess I can fix it with rope though. 

Then Joe Loomis has a uniform that he paid 
fifteen dollars ($15) for. It looks like an offi- 
cers unless you wear it in the rain. Joes in the 
guard house so Im going to take it an not say 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 187 

nothin. I guess Joe'd do the same for a pal. 
Besides he aint got no kick comin cause theres a 
rule that we cant speak to prisoners. 

Joe got put in the guard house for burnin down 
the stable tent where they keep the horses serial. 
He was sittin in the stable tent while he was on 
stable guard catchin a smoke. Stable guard is 
a kind of night bell hop and chamber maid to the 
horses. He heard the Officer of the Day comin 
and stuck his cigaret but in an oat bag. Then the 
whole thing burnt down. Angus MacKenzie says 
thats what he gets for hidin his light under a 
bushel Thats a skotch joke though. I guess 
you wouldnt get it. 

Angus is lendin me a pair of spiral puttys. A 
spiral putty is a flannel bandage what you wind 
round your leg sos nobody cant see that the but- 
tons is offen your trouser legs. The fello what 
made em must have had queer legs cause when 
you get to the top there aint no place to fasten 
them. I guess they were built for fellos that was 
goin to stand still. As soon as you move they 
unwind and drag in the dust till a horse steps on 
one of them. Then you do em up again. 

I started savin thrift stamps. I got pretty near 
two books full. Angus says its got it all over 
United Segar cupons. When you get enough you 
get some dandy things. I wrote the premium de- 



188 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

partment at Wash. D. C. for one of their catalogs. 
I want to get a mandolin as soon as I get enough. 
Joe Loomis is savin for a Ukaylaly. I hope it 
takes more stamps than he can ever save. 

Were getting some new draft men now. Be- 
tween you an me there an awful dum bunch. 
They dont know the difference between squads 
right and fall in. I dont see how fellos can live 
as long as they have an not know these simple 
things. 

A few of them is Jewish fellos from New York. 
All they think about is how they can get some post 
cards of the camp and sell em to the fellos. A 
couple of them sold there equipment the minit 
they was issued it. Angus says one of them was 
on guard the other night and a fello came a long. 
He stopped him and says "Halt, whose there?" 
an the fellow says "Friend." An he says "Advance, 
friend, an give the discount." Youd hardly be- 
lieve that, Mable. But bein a girl I suppose you 
would, not knowin nothin about the military. 

So I aint goin to rite you no more cause theres 
no sense ridin up on the train with my own letters. 
I got a lower bunk all hired. Im goin to have 
it made up before we leave the station an I aint 
goin to get up till we pull into Philopolis. If the 
fello in the upper bunk aint got sense enough to 
stay in bed he can sit on the edge of the bunk and 




*I JUST FOUND YOUR PICTUR AT THE BOTTOM OF MY BARRACK BAG' 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 191 

whissle for all I care. An the lord help the 
porter if he calls me cause he aint no first sargent 
an Id just as soon tell him so. Frank. Thats 
me all over, Mable. 

I suppose your father and mother will be 
tickled to see me. Theyll think Im comin home 
to marry you. I guess you know I would if I 
had time. Besides I dont believe in gettin mar- 
ried before the war cause like as not 111 be killed. 
I dont want you to worry though or nothin like 
that. Youd be in a nice mess then though with 
your fathers liver on your hands an no visibul 
means of support. 

I got to stop now an borrow some money to 
come home on. I think Pat Smiths got some. 
Hed be awful sore if he knew I was goin home on 
his furlo. 

I just found your pictur at the bottom of my 
barrack bag. It gave me an awful shock first. 
Then I remembered that my hob-nailed shoes had 
been sittin on it. I wouldnt care though even if 
you did look like that. Sense before beauty. 
Thats me all over, Mable. 

yours till I see you 

Bill. 



Here Mable: 

This is the last time 111 take my pen in hand 
to rite for some time. I aint allowed to tell you 
why. 

This letters got to be awful short cause I aint 
allowed to say nothin. Theres so many spize 
round listenin that I aint even allowed to tell you 
that we got our orders an were goin to F— — e. 
Were goin to fight the G s. 

I aint even allowed to tell you how were goin 
except that its by boat. Even thats awful con- 
fidenshul. If the spize heard about it theyd prob- 
ably blow up all the boats sos to make sure of 
gettin the right one. 

Angus says the top sargents got orders to take 
us right into the front line trenches. I guess 
there goin to try an finish this thing up right 
away. I guess 111 probably get killed pretty 
quick. Ill feel a lot better if I know your not 
worryin an thinkin of me lyin mortaly wounded in 
a shell hole as I probably shall be. 

An so now I cant come home on my furlo, 
Mable. I knew the Captin had a string tied to it 
somewhere. If theres any way of gettin into 

192 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 193 

heaven that fello will slip through or Im mis- 
taken. Of course I wanted to see you but on the 
other hand I saved a lot of money. Just as soon 
as I get mortally wounded Im going to rite a 
book about my sensashuns an then come back an 
lecture about it. I guess I wont be gone long. 
Well, Mable, there finally wakin up to them- 
selves. I guess the war wont last much longer 
now. Or me either, eh Mable? Some day when 
one of those big G — n shells lands on my nap- 
sack 111 be able to really rite you an say "Thats 
me all over, Mable." Please dont worry about 
me. 

Yours till you here the worst 

Bin. 



Dere Mable: 

I take up my pen to rite you. From the way 
I feel I dont think 111 be takin things up much 
longer. Im on a boat now. They say we are 
goin to France but we been goin two days now and 
I aint seen no land yet. Joe Loomis thinks that 
theres German proper gander in it. He says that 
they got us out here and there goin to keep us 
goin round and round till the wars over. 

It seems kind of silly to rite you cause I cant 
mail this till I get to France. It wont be no use 
then cause by the looks of things now 111 probably 
be flirting with a couple of mermaids in Davy 
Jones Lock Up long before that. Thats a 
naughty call joke though, Mable. You wouldnt 
understand it. 

As far as I can find out there sending the whole 
army over on this ship. Most of them sleeps in 
the room with me from the noise. They got it 
fixed, up cozy like an opium den or a morgue. 
There piled up three high and the only thing that 
stops them there is the roof. 

Were on a German boat. I bet it makes them 
sore Mable to see one of there own boats bringin 

194 



"THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 195 

over fellos like me. The Germans is peculiar 
people. They got sines all over the boat. On 
some of the doors upstairs they got Herren 
painted. Youd never catch an American boat 
carryin fish right on the passenger floor. On 
some of the other doors they got sines what says 
Bad. I guess they run out of these before they 
came to the place where I sleep. It dont seem 
reasonable to let fish have a room with mahogo- 
huny doors and a f ello with two legs sleepin where 
I do. Some of the rooms has Damen rote on 
them. Joe Loomis what lives on the canvas 
above me says thats the only German he ever 
agreed with. 

I aint been really sick yet. I aint give up hopes 
though. Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, got 
so worried because he felt all right that he went 
up to see the doctor this mornin. 

I cant rite much cause the Captin told us the 
centsor would read our letters. I dont know who 
he is. I guess hes a German. Of course hell 
read em if we dont seal em. 

I guess well get blown up before we go much 
further. I dont want you to worry though. I 
just menshun it. You got enough on your hands 
with your father in bed with his liver again and 
me not around to cheer you up. 

Yours to the last bubble Bill. 



Dere Mable: 

Were all balled up. There aint no doubt now 
that its German Proper Gander workin. We 
been runnin three days now and no sign of land 
yet. I wouldnt be surprised if we woke up some 
mornin in Chickawgo or some other place on the 
Specific coast. I aint sick yet. I dont seem to 
need as much food as I used to, though. 

Im gettin on to this naughty call stuff fast 
Quick. Thats me all over, Mable. Theres a 
few things about the boat though that I dont know 
yet. For instance they got pipes comin out of 
the deck all over like Sibly stoves upside down. 
I thought they was for rubbish. I was just re- 
markin to Joe Loomis how neat they was to have 
such things. We was makin a point of pickin 
up everything we saw and firin it down them. 
Then one of the ships officers came along and 
you'd ought to have herd him. Youd have 
thought we was tryin to blow up the old tug, in- 
stead of keepin it clean for him. He said the 
funnels was for carryin fresh air to the mens 
quarters. I says I guessed the one that carried 

196 




"i DONT SEEM TO NEED AS MUCH POOD AS I USED TO" 



l THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 199 

air down to our quarters got clogged before we 
started. 

They close all the windows every night. Angus 
MacKenzie, the skotch fello, says that sos the 
Germans wont fire torpetoes through the windows 
and land on our beds. Thats a jokin way he has 
of speakin of the pieces of canvas we sleep on. 

Were havin a race with another boat. Its 
awful close. We been racin now ever since we 
started and neither of us has gained yet. I here 
the engineers has a bet of five dollars on who 
gets in first. I dont know who can be on the 
other boat cause we got the whole army on ours. 

Well, Mable, I got to quit now cause were 
liable to be sub-marined and blown to pieces any 
minit. I want to get this off before we sink. 

Dont worry about me. 

Yours till I touch bottom 

Bill. 



MARCONIGRAM 

■ 

WORLD WIDE WIRELESS 




MARCONI TELEGRAPH - CABLE. CO Inc. 

IN CONNECTION WITH 

MARCONI WIRELESS TELEGRAPH COMPANV 
OF AMERICA 

Received at Pbilopolis 

Dere Mable 

Not feelin well today so am sendin 
this instead of ritin. Aint seasick. Just 
somethin the matter with my stummick. Angus 
MacKenzie, sketch fello says thats me all 
over, Mable* I says its all over with me* . 
Bright and funny to the last. Eh, Mable. 
Guess we'll all be sunk soon now. Itll be 
a change to have somethin goin down. I 
cant say any more cause this is costin me 
1 dollar ($1) a word. Wouldnt have said 
this much but I borrowed the money from Joe 
Loomis. Hed have spent it for somethin 
foolish anyhow. 

Yours through all ups and downs 
Bill 



Dere Mable: 

No land yet. If wed been goin in a straight 
line wed have passed N. Y. twice by this time, I 
suppose theyll keep us goin round in circles like 
this till the wars over. Joe Loomis says its three 
thousand (3000) miles across. Thats silly 
though. It aint as far as that from N. Y. to 
Chickawgo. 

My room is way down stairs in the sub cellar. 
All there is between me and the bottom of the 
sea is the floor. If theyd,. stuck me down any 
further it wouldnt have been such a long drop at 
that. Each fello has a little blue padded straight 
Jacket to wear while hes sinkin. There awful 
heavy. I guess there to keep us warm while were 
drownin. Joe Loomis says there to pull us down 
quick sos we dont suffer. The Captin says to- 
day that when we sink all men gets into rowboats 
and the officers hang on to rafts. Theres some- 
thin wrong somewhere. I been lookin over the 
rowboats to see whats the matter with them. 

They got a lot of skotch fellos on board. I 
dont know where they came from. Joe Loomis 
says they aint pure cause they dont wear ribbons 

201 



202 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

on their bonnets and do wear pants. But he 
aint got no call to talk about pure skots. 

We all got issued tin hats before we left. I 
guess theyll give us sheet iron underdose next. 
It takes a long time to wear a tin hat without 
hurtin yourself. If you move quick it slides down 
over your eyes and bursts you in the nose. Thats 
why they charge in a walk I guess. They got 
muskito nettin inside sos it wont hurt your head. 
If you take that out it makes a good wash basin 
or a mess kit. Joe Loomis and Angus got arguin 
yesterday, Joe claimin that they was no good and 
Angus claimin that you couldnt hurt a guy what 
had one on. Angus got so sore he bet a quarter. 
To decide it Joe put on his hat and let Angus hit 
him on the bean with a piece of lead pipe. Joe 
always was lucky. He won the quarter and now 
hes livin on A deck where the hospital is. An the 
Dr. says he aint got a chance of dyin which is 
more than most of us can say. I guess theyll 
sink us today. I got to quit now. 

Yours till the third time down, 

Bill. 



Dere Mable: 

Were in the same place we was yesterday. Id 
know it now with my eyes shut. It looks like we 
was movin but Joe Loomis says thats just the 
water goin past the boats. A fello told me we 
was in the Gulf stream. If we are its some creek 
cause you cant see no banks. 

We been on four days now. Im beginnin to 
feel like the Ainshunt Mourner. We lie round on 
the floor of one of the lower piazzas all day and 
read books from the library. Most of them is 
about the lives of fellos whats dead. That aint 
right for a bunch what expects to be with em any 
minit. 

Once a day we go up on one of the upper piaz- 
zas to exercise. A fello might as well try to 
swing indiun clubs on the five o'clock subway. 
The only exercise you can do without knockin off 
the head of the fello next to you is eyes right and 
eyes left. 

The Captin is always talkin about goin below. 
Seein how we all may any minit, it aint no time for 
jokin about it. He says to me yesterday "Smith, 
fix me up a list of spaces for all my men down 

203 



204 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

below." Aint that the Captin all over, Mable? 
He wont be satisfied till he has em all tagged and 
numbered and doing squads east and west in Davy- 
Jones Lock Up. 

Joe Loomis has his girls pictur pasted on the 
back of his tin lookin glass. He lies on his bunk 
all day gapin at it. Some fellos make awful asses 
of themselves about there girls. Angus Mac- 
Kenzie, the skotch f ello, had the mirror shavin the 
other day. It swung round while he wasnt lookin 
and when he looked in it again he got an awful 
start. 

They havnt sunk us yet. I guess there just 
foolin with us. Perhaps it will happen today. 
Dont worry though. 

Yours till you here otherwise 

Bill. 




'joe loomis" 



Dere Mable: 

I feel the same way the Knights of Columbus 
must have felt when they was discoverin North 
America. Just sailin round in circles and wishin 
they had never left N. Y. Were goin through an 
awful bumpy part of the ocean now. Joe Loomis 
says theres a lot of traffic through here and these 
big boats cuts it all up. Thats how ignorant that 
fello is, Mable. Its gettin colder all the time to. 
I wouldnt be surprised if we had got turned north 
by mistake and would land up in Labordoor or 
somethin. 

One of the boat officers is called the Execu- 
tioner Officer. Every day most he comes round 
and says its half an hour earlier than it is. Thats 
the way those fellos use there awthority. No- 
body dasnt contradict them. I guess thats the 
way these boats make records so often, Mable. 
When they see they aint goin to make a record 
they just shove the clock back. Id go over in 
nothin if I was the Captin and get it over with 
quick. I wish I could have made contracks like 
that when I was home. If a fello came to me 
and says "Your contrack is up today" Id just look 

207 



2o8 'THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE'* 

at him and say "You must be mistaken. This is 
yesterday." Joe Loomis has it figured out that 
if we keep on losing time well get there last winter. 

Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, says theres 
no danger in that though, cause if they ever find 
themselves workin back towards last pay day 
theyll go ahead for a while. 

Angus says that every time they set us back half 
an hour the government skins every man out of 
pretty near a nickul. It aint the money, Mable. 
A nickul never meant nothin to me one way or 
the other as you ought to know better than any 
one. Isnt it a cheap way to Whoverize though? 

Joe says that if it keeps on bein as cold as this 
he aint goin to get off when they sink us. He 
says he rather stay down in the bedrooms and be 
drowned than get all wet with that ice water and 
then have a cold for the rest of the war. 

Well, Mable, I got to quit now. A fighter needs 
a lot of sleep. 

Yours till the war ends 

Bill. 



Dere Mable: 

Somebodys rockin the boat. Its been rollin 
round somethin awful all mornin. Theres always 
some fool like that in every crowd. I aint said 
nothin but me and Angus MacKenzie, the skotch 
fello, is watchin. When we catch him you bet 
well give him whats what. 

While we was snoopin round we just discovered 
somethin awful. All the life rafts what the 
officers ride on when we sink is full of holes. The 
water would come right through. As soon as we 
find the fello whats rockin the boat were goin 
to tell the Captin. Angus says perhaps hell make 
us officers or let us sleep late or somethin. A 
fello told me they threw these rafts over the side 
when the ship was sinkin. As far as I can see if 
a fello is lucky enough to get off the old tub they 
fling one of these on his bean. Im going to wear 
my tin hat you bet. 

They got a bunch of ropes hangin with knots on 
them along the sides from the top floor down to 
the water. A fello told me they was to climb 
down when all the rowboats was gone. Some 
fellas is in an awful hurry to get drowned* If 

209 



210 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

there bound to crown me with a seaweed wreath 
Im goin to keep em waitin as long as I can. The 
fello what hung em must have had arms like a 
munkey cause there hangin about six feet from 
the side. 

These Germans must have been awful tanks, 
Mable. They got one whole floor they call 
saloon deck. Of course the saloons is gone now. 
When they made the ship over they had to get 
rid of all the luxuries to make room. They got 
the bars out of the saloons and the officers eat 
there. 

A fello came down stairs the other night and 
told us about the war. He said we was all comin 
over to fight to make the world safe for the 
Democrats. If thats the case Mable your father 
must be an ailin enemy. 

Well, Mable, they tell us that if we aint sunk 
pretty soon were goin to get there. I guess then 
I Wont be able to rite you for a few days cause 
itll take me a little while to get settled in the 
trenches and get my dug out fixed up nice. I 
hope they give us a part of the line near the sta- 
tion cause I dont like those troop trains. 
Yours till I write again 

Bill 



"the tailor must have been a boiler maker once" 



Dere Mable: 

I thought the fishes would be buildin nests in 
my ears long before I rote this. What do you 
suppose has happened? I wont ever be able to 
look you in the face again. Were right near land 
and aint so much as seen a Perryskope. An here 
I been runnin round in my Drownin Jacket for 
seven days like a fello wearin his shroud down 
to his office a week before he dies. I hope you 
aint bragged too much about it or theyll have the 
laugh on you. I feel kind of cheap but you really 
cant blame me. I took these other fellos word 
for it. 

I aint the only goat thats been wearin my 
Drowning Jacket round though. They all had to 
and most of them slept in them. The tailor what 
designed these must have been a boiler maker 
once. If there vests there too short an if there 
coats where is the sleeves? They got a hump 
runnin down the backbone. I know now how a 
horse feels when he tries to roll over. Besides 
the Jackets, they made us carry round a tin bottle 
of water on a string all the time. I suppose if 

213 



214 "THATS ME ALL OVER, MABLE" 

there was not enough water to drown us all we 
could empty out these. 

Were just a few miles off shore, but I cant tell 
you just where. This is partly because I dont 
know. Joe Loomis says were comin into London, 
but Angus MacKenzie, the skotch fello, says it 
aint London. He thinks its Paris. I dont think 
so though cause if it was youd see the Ethel 
Tower. 

You want to be careful when you address let- 
ters to me. If you address me too plain there 
liable to get to me and you cant tell who might 
be lookin. About all you can say on the address 
as far as I can find out is Bill Smith, A. E. F., 
which means Am Expecting Flowers. 

I got to quit now cause were gettin near shore 
and the Sanitary Officer ast me to help him sweep 
out the boat when the other fellos is gone. Of 
course I said I would. Obligin. Thats me all 
over, Mable. As soon as I get ashore Im going 
to buy one of them John Brown belts you here so 
much about. I dont know when 111 be able to 
write to you again cause I understand theres a bat- 
tle on now so I guess 111 be pretty busy for some 
time to come. 

Yours till I rite again, 

Bill. 



SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 



PREFACE 

The rightful place for a preface is at the end 
of a book or, better still, the scrap basket. My 
only reason for setting it here is lest someone 
read and, misunderstanding, take offense. 

Not for one moment has there been any 
thought of making light of that splendid, almost 
foolhardy, bravery which has characterized the 
American soldier. It was he himself who made 
light of it, as he did of the whole war, and prob- 
ably would of doomsday. 

Nor is there anything unkind or deprecating 
in his attitude toward the Frenchman. He met a 
race so distinct from his in ideals and customs 
that there was no basis for understanding. Fail- 
ing to understand, he followed his usual rule in 
such instances and laughed. 

One of those veterans of a dozen battles, 
chancing to glance over these pages, may say that 
the dangers and horrors of those last five 
months have been underrated. They, however, 
belong to a comparatively small and enviable mi- 
nority. Those who turned the tide in July, 191 8, 
and who knocked the line at St. Mihiel into its 
proper place in September, also bore the brunt on 

217 



218 PREFACE 

the Meuse and the dreary mud-spattered monot- 
ony of the Army of Occupation. The great mass 
of the American army saw but a few brief weeks 
of fighting during October and November. Thou- 
sands of other Bills, equally brave and more 
eager because it was denied them, never heard 
the sound of guns except on the target range. 

This is not a treatise on International Rela- 
tions. It is not a chronology of battles. It is not 
a memorial of brave deeds. It is merely a few 
impressions of Pvt. William Smith, Buck, placed 
in a situation so new, so incomparable, that it had 
wiser men than he guessing. He was one of 
those who left their reasons for being "there" 
to be analyzed by men not so occupied in the 
business of keeping alive. He would have been 
bored to death if you had tried to explain them 
to him anyway. His loyalty and patriotism 
were so unquestioned that its discussion was ab- 
surd. Sentimental, yet so sensitive to obvious 
sentimentality that he died many times making 
fun of the things that he was dying for. 



"Same Old Bill, 
Eh Mable!" 



Dere Mable: 

Were in sunny France at last. I cant tell you 
much about it yet on account of its havin been so 
foggy since we got here. We didnt deboat in 
Paris as I was expectin. We sailed up a river 
to a town with a wall around it and got off there. 
I dont know what the wall was for unless to keep 
people in. They certinly wouldnt need one to 
keep anybody out of that place. Were now in 
what they call a rest camp. If this is restin then 
all they say about war is true. 

For the last two days weve been unpackin 
boats. You havnt any idear how refreshin it is 
to pile up about 5 milyon cases of corn Willie. 
Ive been puttin on weight ever since I got here 
but its all been on my back. 

Some of the fellos think they got us mixed up 
with one of these Steva Dora regiments. It dont 
seem to worry the Captin much. Theres no rea- 
son it should tho. All he has to do is to sit on a 

219 



22o "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

box an keep the quartermaster from gettin over- 
stocked on cigars. 

The day we got in they tied us out in the mid- 
dle of the river. They left us there so long that 
there was a roomer the war was over an we was 
goin to turn around an go home. When it comes 
to takin that trip right over agen I say on with 
the war. 

We lay around there so long I was beginnin to 
feel like the keeper of a light ship. Then they got 
into an awful hurry all of a sudden an piled 
pretty near the whole boat load onto one coal 
barge. Our Bilitin oncer met us at the dock. 
Hed been over here a month gettin things fixed 
up for us. From the way he acted youd think he 
was the fello that invented the war. 

After that we got out in the country and 
marched till my pack gained a hundred an fifty 
pounds an my tung was lyin on my chest. Joe 
said we needed a rest camp after a hike like that 
When wed walked about six miles, or killen me- 
ters as they call them over here, we turned into a 
bare field. The Bilitin oficer said that was the 
camp. 

Just then it started to rain. The Captin told 
the Top to make us all comfortable. Then he 
remembered some business in town and went 
away before he had a chance to hear any first 
impreshuns about rest camps. The Bilitin oficer 
must have wore himself out findin us a nice place 



tmmmmmtmm^'*'. 




Bill Bvec-K 



MARCHED TILL MY PACK GAINED A HUNDRED AN FIFTY POUNDS 




222 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

like this with only a month to do it in. Id like 
to see what hed turn out if he only had a couple 
of days. It rained all night. When I get home 
111 be able to put in a good night in the swimmin 
pool of a Turks bath. 

The next mornin we started in on intensive 
restin. We unpacked a whole boat out onto a 
dock. Then some General came along. I guess 
he thought we still looked a little peaked. He 
says "Just run that stuff into the shed across the 
tracks." The place he called a shed would have 
made a nice hanger for the New York Central 
stashun. 

They tell me now were not goin right up to 
the front. We got to go to school agen to learn 
something. If I had a diploma for every school 
I been to in the last year my room would look 
like a dentle parlor. 

The French seem glad to see us but they cant 
express themselves very well. They dont seem 
to talk the same kind of French the fello learned 
us in the Y. M. C. A. last winter. There all 
mixed up on there money too. About the only 
way a fello can buy anything is to hold out all 
hes got and let them take what they want. I 
guess theyll never overcharge me by takin all I 
can hold out. 

The whole sistem is based on the Sue, Mable. 
As near as I can make out a Sue aint worth any- 
thing. A hundred Sues make a Centimeter an a 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 223 

hundred Centimeters make a Frank. Five Franks 
make a dollar only now they dont. That gives 
you an idear how simple it is to go into a store 
an figger what you can buy with a quarter. 

I hear the battery comin back so I guess 111 
quit this and fall in on the tail of the colyum. It 
isnt that I wouldnt just as soon have them all 
know where Ive been, but it makes the Captin 
feel a lot better to have me there at formashuns. 
Yours if I survive the rest 

Bill 

Dere Mable: 

If you ever have to do any travelin in France, 
walk. I dont suppose you ever took a five day 
trip in an open trolly. We traveled five days an 
all the time straight away from the front. First 
we thought we was goin to Italy but we must 
have passed that long ago. They finally landed 
us in a little town with about a hundred people, 
fifty cows an no pictur show. The more I see 
of this country the more patriotic I get. 

The train we came down on looked like one I 
had when I was a kid on tracks. You felt some- 
body ought to get out an wind the engine every 
time it stopped. Whenever we got to stashuns 
a lot of fellos in long coats would come out an 
blow whissels. Sometimes wed start but most of 
the time nothin happened. At last I found a job 
for the Top sargent when the war is over. 



224 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE 



!>» 



The cars are marked ist, 2nd an 3rd class. 
The difference is that the wheels on the ist class 
has only got one flat side. The 2nd class has got 
two, an the 3rd class wheels are square. We 
ride in the 3rd class. Luckily the cars has only 
got four wheels. There so short you couldnt get 
any more under them if you wanted to. 

There freight cars are all Ford models to. On 
the doors they got painted "Hommes 40 Chevaux 
8." Thats French for 40 men an 8 horses. That 
struck me as funny till I figgered out that they 
probably pack five men between each horse sos 
they wont rattle round so much. 

Of course nobody could ever collect tickets on 
a train like this. So they got a saloon in every 
stashun insted of a ticket office. They make the 
road pay on those. The first time we stopped 
Angus got off an bought a bottle of Vinrooge 
wine. Thats a drink the French use. They must 
wash in it to cause I havnt seen any water since I 
been here. 

Marv Motel, one of the new fellos in the bat- 
tery, said if you could get two or three quarts of 
that under your belt it would act like a couple of 
bottles of beer an help you to sleep. So at the 
next stashun Angus got enuff for three quarts 
apiece. 

The Vinrooge wine acted the way Marv said 
it would only he must have meant two cases of 
beer insted of two bottles. It put everybody to 




EVERYBODY HAD A BEARD ON BOTH SIDES OF HIS FACE 



226 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

sleep like an anisthetic but Angus. He Kept 
awake to finish what was left. The last I saw of 
him he was singin Skotch songs out the windo at 
the Engineer. One nice thing about these trains 
is the Top cant get at you between stashuns. 

You ought to have seen that bunch the next 
mornin. It would have been an awful encouragin 
site for the Kiser. Everybody had a beard on 
both sides of his face, inside an out an they wasnt 
talkin any more than was necessary to call some- 
body something. 

About noon they got us out at some stashun 
sos the Captin could give us the devil for not 
keepin neat an clean. Nobody minded much 
cause he didnt look as tho hed spent the night in 
no dry cleaners himself. 

Well, Mable, we just sat there for three days 
an three nights. I began to think we must be go- 
in home by the overland root. The only reason 
we didnt murder nobody was because we didnt 
have room. Every once in a while wed stop at a 
stashun an some red cross nurses would bring 
around coffee. Only they wasnt red an they 
wasnt cross. Most of us was so glad to see a 
woman that we could say something to besides 
"Ah We" that we didnt menshun the coffee. Its 
funny what youll take from a woman when it 
would be death for a mess sargent. 

The Captin said wed have to stay in this town 
a week or two on account of the school were go- 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 227 

in to bein full. The Bilitln oficer came down 
ahead as usual. This time he only had two days. 
After seein what he could do in a month we didnt 
expect much. We got it. Ten of us are roomin 
in a hay barn. The only good thing about it is 
that when your in bed the Top sargent cant tell 
wether your there or not without takin out all 
the hay. 

As soon as we got here I noticed something 
awful strong an it wasnt no geranium bed ether. 
Were getting used to it now. You can tell how 
rich a Frenchman is by the size of his manure pile. 
There so proud of them they set them right out- 
side there windos sos they can sit an watch them 
an never forget them. The bigger the pile the 
bigger man you are in your home town. All I 
can say is Im glad the people we live with is 
poor. Id hate to be bileted with the Mayor. 

I got to quit now. The sensor cuts out most of 
this anyway. They say he tears off half of every 
letter to lighten the mails. 

au reservoir as the French say 

Bill 

Dere Mable: 

Id have rote you sooner only the sensor wont 
let me tell where I am an I couldnt think of noth- 
in else to say. This is the third letter Ive rote 
since we landed. Im a little worried about the 
other two cause the Captin said we couldnt men- 



228 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

shun the names of no places. So I just addressed 
them to Mable Gimp, nothin else. 

In case you dont receive letters like that I wish 
youd let me know. Then I wont be expectin any 
answer. Ritin letters from here is like talkin to 
a fello over the fone that aint there. 

Im having a little trouble with the languige. 
Its tricky. A lot of these French words is the 
same as ours only they dont mean the same thing. 
Like "Pan" an "We" an "Mercy" an "Toot 
sweet." As soon as I find what the words stand 
for 111 be all right. 

Some of the fellos dont seem to get onto the 
idear of this thing at all. They think if they talk 
like they had an egg in there mouth an put in 
lots of zs its French. Take Joe Loomis for in- 
stance. He talks like a German thats lived with 
the French Canadians for a while. Hell go into 
a lunch room an say "Geeve me ze beef stak rar, 
mit ze on-yon." Then he gets sore when they 
put the wine list in front of him. 

It aint the wine list that makes him sore of 
course. He cant get over the American custom 
tho of eatin with his meals. 

The first three days we was here we didnt have 
no guns nor horses or nothin. I thought perhaps 
the Captin would give us a chance to get over 
that rest camp, but he seems to have an idear tho 
that just so many of us has got to be killed in the 
war an the quicker he gets it over with the better. 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 229 

So every day he walks us about ten. killen meters 
with the sun hot enuff to boil eggs. 

The guns came yesterday. There painted up 
like a ten cent sunset. They call them Soizant 
Cans, whatever kind that is. They look pretty 
much in the bean blower class to me. One of 
those guns we left back in the States would take 
care of the four of them. But of course after pol- 
ishin those up last winter till I almost wore them 
out the Captin had to come off an forget them. 
I guess now were stuck with these. 

No horses came with the guns. I suppose we 
got to pull them around ourselves for the rest of 
the war. I can just here the Captin tellin Gen. 
Perishing, "No, no, General. My men havnt got 
a thing to do. Outside of a couple of single 
mounts for the oncers I wont need a horse." 

I wish your mother could see the wimmin wash 
close over here. She might get more enjoyment 
out of that lawndress of hers. There is a lot of 
summer houses down beside a creek behind the 
town. Every day they go down there an stand in 
a barrel right in the creek. First they take the 
close an drag them around the creek for a while. 
Then they lay them on a wooden block an beat 
the buttons off them with a big board. A button 
in a steam lawndry leads a life of quiet ease com- 
pared with these. 

After they get them hammered out flat they 
hang them on a barb wire fence. In the eve- 



230 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

ning they take home anything the cows has left in 
an old wheelbarro. I guess by that time there 
dirty enuff to wash agen cause there always washin 
and you dont see no results. 

We spend all our time now drillin with those 
little guns. Of course there different from those 
we had in the States so everything we learned 
over there has to be forgot. As far as I can 
make out we might as well have learned basket 
weavin for all the good it did us. 

Well, Mable, have as good a time as you can 
at home. I know how tiresome those broken- 
winded fellos must be. Id go around with them 
tho once in a while in case they should ask you. 
Democratic. Thats me all over, Mable. Its the 
only thing your father an me has got in common. 
Besides it will make it seem all the better when I 
get home. 

Jours in spite of these things 

Bill 

Dere Mable: 

I guess your last letter must have been sen- 
sored to death cause I never got it. I been over 
here three weeks now an the only letter I got 
was a bill for some flowers I sent you a year ago. 
That fello would make more money as a detective 
then a flowerist. I bet hed have found Charlie 
Ross if Charlied owed him any money. I expect 
to be sittin propped up agenst the wall some day 




BEAT THE BUTTONS OFF THEM WITH A BIG BOARD 



232 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

in the Old Soldiers Home an about six postmen 
will come staggerin in the gate with my mail. 
Keep on ritin tho. I can always turn it over to 
some historical society. 

Saturday an Sunday was the end of the week so 
the Captin let a few of us go in to a big town near 
here to take a bath. Hes always tryin to stick 
a little extra duty like that into a mans private 
time. 

Me an Angus an Marv Motel went down to- 
gether in a truck. I dont suppose you ever road 
in a truck with only two other fellos in it. I bet 
it goes farther up an down then straight ahead. 
Angus was all for seein the town as soon as we 
got there, that bein about the only thing that 
didnt involve spendin money. We compromized 
by seein the restawrants first. 

Its interesting to lissen to the French eat, they 
enjoy things so. Everyone tucks there napkins 
under there chins like your father used to before 
he had a hired girl insted of your mother. 

The French is awful optimistic eaters. By 
takin everything separate they can work them- 
selves into believin theyve had a course dinner. 
If they had such a thing as oatmeal an cream I 
bet theyd make you eat the oatmeal first an 
drink the cream afterwards. 

Every time you look away you get a clean 
plate. All you need to start a restawrant in 
France is a thousand plates an a dozen eggs. The 



am arccK 




EVERYONE TUCKS THERE NAPKINS UNDER THERE CHINS 



234 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

rest of the food doesnt matter much. About 
everything you ask for is "Defended." That 
seems to be the same as "Just out" in American. 
In most places its just a question of how long 
you can think of things to ask for before you end 
up with an omlet. The only place you can get 
real French cookin Mable is in the States. 

Theres a bunch of French soldiers in town. 
Most of them have beards an little bags hangin 
all over them. I wish theyd let us wear beards. 
You wouldnt have to go round with your collar 
buttoned all the time then. 

When I first got into town I thought it must 
be a holiday or something cause the saloons was 
overflowin right out on the sidewalks. Every- 
body was sittin round at little tables drinkin beer. 
I went in one tho an there wasnt a soul inside 
but flies. It certinly is mixin. In one place a 
fello wont take a drink unless he can go behind 
a screen. Over here he wont have it anywhere 
but in the middle of the street. I can see your 
father sittin out on Main street in a wicker chair 
with a stein of beer in his hands. 

Well Mable at the rate Im not receivin mail I 
wont be able to tell wether its last winter or next 
winter that your talkin about when I finally get 
your letters. Im going to keep on ritin tho just 
to annoy the sensor. 

Yours in haste 

Bill 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 235 

Dere Mable: 

In a training camp once more beginin all over 
agen. If we had a school system like this in civil 
life a fello would never live to finish high school. 

Were not livin in stables any more. They got 
us now in long stone buildins with wood cots in 
them. I suppose somebody back at headquar- 
ters heard of soft pine an thought it would be a 
good thing for makin beds. I feel as full of 
bones as an old herrin. 

We didnt have to pull the guns over after all. 
They tied them on behind trucks. I was makin up 
a nice bed for myself in the back of a truck when 
the Captin stuck his head in. He certinly be- 
lieves in exercisin his neck. As soon as he saw 
I was comfortable he says "Smith, you ride on 
the end caisson an watch the brake." There was 
no use tellin him Id seen the darn thing every day 
for two weeks. He thinks he knows everything. 

Of course youve never ridden on a caisson tied 
behind a truck. You never went hitchin with a 
bob sled behind an express train in the middle 
of summer nether. It was just luck that the old 
thing happened to be under me every time I came 
down. Some times it would go crazy an run from 
one side of the road to the other like it was look- 
in for a chance to pass the truck. I dont know 
what would have happened if the rope hadnt 
busted. That caisson must have thought it was a 
tank. It turned right off the road, ran over a 



236 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

little ditch an tried to clime a tree. It didnt have 
the build tho an quit. 

The next thing I remember the Captin was say- 
in "Smith, what are you tryin to do with that 
caisson, smash it?" Just as if Id swiped the darn 
thing to go for a joy ride. 

Well, Mable, your letter came at last. From 
the looks of it they must have dragged the mail 
bag all the way. That certinly was interestin 
about that poor young fello Archie Wainwright. 
It must be awful to have a murmur in your heart 
when you want to go to war so bad. 

Tell him not to worry about missin the war 
cause when I get back 111 show him so much about 
it hell feel like a veteran in half an hour an his 
family will be hangin out a service flag. 

We just got ishued two new Lootenants inside 
of a week. Its gettin harder an harder to rite 
anything interestin that youll understand. For 
instance the first Lootenant was a 2nd and the 
second Lootenant was a ist. That shows you how 
tecknickle it all is but of course its over your head 
like a shower-bath. 

One of the Lootenants came over as a casulty 
oficer. He just came now from Sam Moores Col- 
lege of Artilery over here in France. They turn 
them out of there like Fords. If he knows as 
much as he admits he does I dont see why they 
bother to put a high priced fello like Fosh in 
command for. 




THEY JUST ISHUED US OVERSEERS CAPS AN RAPPED LEGGINS 



238 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

Were bein learned mostly by French oficers. 
There awful polite. I wish the Captin could hear 
them. Joe says he was made a gentleman by an 
act of Congress when they made him an oficer. 
Congress certinly has a lot of power in war time. 

In the army your not supposed to be able to 
use anything till you know how its made. You 
dont know how to put on a gas mask till you 
know whats in the tin box an who was the first 
f ello to use it. You cant talk over a fone till your 
able to sit down an make one out of an old cigar 
box an a piece of balin wire. 

I never knew so little about so much in my life. 
You sit here all day an lissen to a fello tell you 
how if you multiply something by enuff other 
things you can hit a Fritz in the stummick three 
miles away. Everythings tricky about this gun. 
Insted of shootin where you want to hit like a 
man you look at a thermometer an a barometer, 
add em together an look up the result in a little 
pink almanak. That tells you where to shoot. I 
dont like this mystick stuff. Frank and strait- 
forward. Thats me all over, Mable. 

They just ishued us overseers caps an rapped 
leggins. Theres one good thing about these over- 
seers caps. You cant put them out of shape like 
the felt hats cause they never had any shape to 
begin with. I cant say much in favor of the 
rapped leggins tho for a fello that never had any 
experience with first aid or nothin. 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 239 

I cant see any sense tho in ishuin close like a 
pictur puzzle. They might just as well ishue your 
coat an pants in seckshuns an let you hook em 
together every mornin. 

I got to quit now. I was left behind to clean 
out the barracks an I hear the battery comin in 
from drill so I got to hussle. Tell Archie to 
cheer up about the war. When I come home 
hell be wearin so many wound stripes hell be 
lookin like a zebra. 

Yours till Archie gets a service stripe 

Bill 

Dere Mable: 

Theyve made me a door tender to a Soizant 
Cans. All Ive got to do is to open the door an 
another fello puts in the shell. Then I close the 
door an start the shell on its way with a piece of 
string. Its a pretty important job cause if I dont 
latch the door the whole works will probably 
come out the back entrance. 

Our horses came today. They must have 
thought this was a mobile vetrinary hospittle in- 
sted of a battery. Whoever grooms those things 
will have to lean them up agenst something. I 
read somewhere how the average life of a horse 
in this war is only 60 days. Accordin to that 
this bunch has seen about seven weeks service al- 
ready. 

Every mornin we go out to the range an shoot 



240 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

away liberty bonds. The good part about shootin 
into a desert like that is that theres nothin out 
there to hit so you can call it a bullseye no matter 
where you land. The oficers just walk around 
shakin hands an tellin each other what good shots 
they are. They sit up behind the guns in a place 
that looks like the press box of a baseball game. 
It has a nice roof an everything. When it rains 
they just pull their toes in sos the water wont drip 
offen the roof on them. Then they say "This is 
war. We cant stop for a little wet." Every time 
a fello fires they call it a problem. About the 
biggest problem is to figger what their firin at. 

In the afternoon we go to school. Yesterday 
a fello gave us a talk on the "Art of Handlin 
Men." Marv Motel says he knew him in New 
York. He used to be a rubber in a Turks bath 
on 42nd street. 

Theyve ishued green badges to the fellos that 
was down on the border. It looks like St. Pat- 
ricks day around here. Angus MacKenzie that 
wasnt there calls them horse exercise medals. 
The day I put mine on the French fello thats 
learnin us about telefones came up an shook hands 
with me. All the Frogs think somebody has 
sighted us for bravery. Its a good thing nobody 
knows enuff French to tell them about it. 

The French have a medal they call the Crawdy 
Gare. If you do something pretty good like sit- 
tin on a hand granade sos it wont go off an bother 




WILL HAVE TO LEAN THEM UP AGENST SOMETHING 



242 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

the Captin or fieldin a shell right over the kitchin 
they hang one of these on you. Then if you do 
somethin awful good like drivin a General fast 
past a place thats been shelled they let you wear 
a silver rubber plant on the ribbon. 

Were almost ready to go up to the front now. 
I guess they want to get us there before the 
horses 60 days is up to save funeral expenses. 
Just at the last minit they ishued us a lot of re- 
placement troops as if we didnt have enuff to 
carry. The governmint dont need to waste no 
tin derbies on that bunch. They certinly looked 
as if theyd been doin some hard fast travelin 
when they struck here. All they had was what 
was on them an that was mostly cooties. 

I aint allowed to tell you wether were goin to 
the front from here or not. I dont see why its 
such a secret tho cause were so far in the rear 
here that its about the only way we could go. If 
you dont here from me for a long time I dont 
want you to worry cause I may not be killed but 
just badly wounded or taken prisoner or some- 
thing. Or there might be just a chance that it 
was because I was to busy to rite. This door ten- 
der job is pretty important. When they get to 
fightin I guess 111 have to be around most of the 
time. 

Yours till I leave the door unlatched 

Bill 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 243 

Dere Mable: 

Were on our way to the front. I bet the Kiser 
an that funny lookin kid of his is gettin there pul- 
moters out. We traveled three days an two 
nights on the train an now we been hikin two 
nights more. I havnt heard a gun yet. I dont 
think the Captin knows where the front is. 
Theres a roomer around that we got off at the 
wrong stashun. I suppose now we got to walk 
half way across France just because that fello 
dont know how to read a time table. 

They landed us in a field outside of a town. 
Youd have thought we got off right in front of 
the Fritz trenches the way the oficers acted. The 
new Lootenant bawled everybody out for not 
wearin there gas masks at the alert. That means 
tyin it under your chin like a bib. 

We didnt lose much time unloadin. Nobody 
knew then but what the Fritzes might want to 
park a few Berthas right where we were. Then 
we just sat around in the rain and waited. After 
about an hour the Captin came splashin down the 
road an says "Harness an hitch. Come on. 
Hurry up." He always gives an order as tho hed 
given it an hour before an nobodied paid any at- 
tenshun to him. It didnt sound reasonable to me 
cause it was gettin dark then an it would be time 
to turn in before we could get any place. Bein 
a cannon ear tho an not havin anything to do with 



!» 



244 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE! 

the horses I didnt say anything. Willin, Thats 
me all over, Mable. 

After wed got hitched up we stood around for 
an hour more blottin up rain. The Captin just 
leaned agenst his horse smokin a cigar as tho 
that was the best place in the world to spend the 
evenin. Hes got one of these Drench coats so 
it doesnt make any difference to him if every- 
body else dissolved. Just as it was gettin dark 
a f ello came up on a motor cycle an gave him some 
mail. Then we started. It made the fellos awful 
sore cause they say thats all he was waitin for. 
I thought of course the Bilitin oficer had found 
some place that was worse down the road an was 
takin us there for the nite. But we just marched 
an marched till everybody could see that the Cap- 
tin didnt know where he was goin. 

We couldnt light a light or scratch matches or 
nothin. The Captin said a lot of Dutch airy- 
planes was out to get us an as soon as we struck 
a light theyd drop bums on us. Then he passed 
the word back that nobody was to talk above a 
whisper. The old guns rattle so you couldnt 
hear anybody unless he yelled anyway. The Cap- 
tin means all right but he read to much cheap 
literachoor when he was a kid. 

Every few minits a string of trucks would go 
tearin by in the other direcshun. None of them 
had any lights. Its lucky they didnt cause if they 
could have ever seen how near they came to not 




"tyin it under your chin like a bib 



246 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

missin us they could never have got there hair to 
lie down agen. When we were in camp back in 
the States you dasnt go over ten miles an hour 
for fear somebody would fall down in front of 
you and get run over. When you get over here 
tho the idear seems to be to make the war as dan- 
gerous as you can. 

After a while I undid a couple of blanket rolls 
that didnt seem to belong to anyone an I was just 
gettin as comfortable as a fello can on top of a 
caisson in the pourin rain. I was dozin off when 
I heard someone say "Whos that ridin on that 
carriage?" There was only one person could ask 
a question like that. Right away I started to 
make myself uncomfortable cause I knew thats 
probably what the trouble was. Then he rode 
up an says "Is that you Smith? Didnt you hear 
me order nobody to ride on any of the carriages?" 
Theres no use arguin with the Captin. Its just 
a case of "All right. Have it my way." 

They go to all the trouble of bildin a seat on 
these wagons. They spend a year teachin you to 
sit on it in the most uncomfortable way. Then 
when the first possible reason for usin them comes 
along they make everybody get off an walk. I 
spent the rest of the nite kickin mud puddles off 
the road. 

About dawn we pulled off the road into an or- 
chard an put some branches over the guns to cover 
up the camooflage paint. I thought after bein up 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 247 

all nite on account of his foolishness the Captin 
would at least take pity on the horses an let them 
alone. That would have given us some chance 
to sleep. Nothin would do tho but that we spend 
about half the day smoothin them out. He says 
it makes them feel good. Of course the way we 
feel hasnt got nothin to do with it. 

After wed scoured the horses till they must 
have been sorer than we were th^y gave us some 
monkey meat an let us turn in. Back to the hay 
barns agen. That Bilitin oficer ought to make 
good on some board of health when we get home. 
He can pick out all the worst places in a town ten 
minites after he gets there. 

Sleepin in the daytime is a kind of a joke any- 
way in the army. Every time you get to sleep the 
horses has to be fed. And when your not feedin 
them you got to get up an feed yourself. In the 
army a fellos hungry when they tell him to eat an 
no other time. 

After theyd blown a horn at me about eight dif- 
ferent times I figgered I might as well stay up an 
rite you a letter. Now that were gettin up near 
the front Im goin to rite just as much as I can. 
Thats partly sos you wont worry an partly so that 
if I get knocked off you will have something to 
amuse you in case you go into a convent. 

I had to leave all those sweters an caps an 
everything that you nitted me last winter. You 
dont need to feel bad about that tho cause they 



248 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

wouldnt let us wear them anyway. If everybody 
wore all the stuff thats been nitted for them since 
the war started this would look more like an 
ice carnival than an army. Its sentiment that 
counts, tho, not wool. 

In the meantime still 

Bill 

Bere Mable: 

After travelin for three nites we dont seem to 
be any nearer the front than we ever was. Ether 
the Fritzes are retreatin in trucks or were goin 
the wrong way. The only reason were not march- 
in tonite is because when we got into this town 
the Captin found a chatto for his P. C. P. C. is 
military, Mable. It means a place for the Cap- 
tin. Mike Whozis, the Captins orderly, says hes 
got one of those limosine beds with a roof an 
sides on it. Its so big it dont make any difference 
how you lie on it. If all he says about it is true 
we may stick around for the rest of the war. 

Well, never mind. Sailor Gare as the French 
say. Thats some old pirate they blame every- 
thing on over here. 

A bunch of prisoners came in last nite. They 
must have surrounded half the German army 
cause it looked like a decorashun day parade when 
the M.P. brought them in. If they make another 
hawl like that well have about as much to fire at 
up at the front as we did back on the range. Id 




MIKE WHOZIS, THE CAPTINS ORDERLY 



250 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

never seen any Fritzes so Angus an I went down 
to the pen this afternoon to see if they were 
breakin the child labor law or had any wimmin 
with machine guns tied to them like you read 
about. 

The pen is just a bunch of barracks not much 
better than the place where we sleep. They got 
a lot of barb wire an an M. P. around it. The 
Fritzes didnt look very wild to me. More like a 
bunch of stashun porters out of a job. We tried 
to argu the M. P. into lettin a few of them go at 
a time sos we could catch them agen but he took 
the war awful serious. 

I got in wrong with the Captin agen today. 
This army is something like gamblin. Which- 
ever way you decide your bound to lose sooner or 
later. Youd think that the only reason a fello 
would give you food was because he expected you 
to eat it. Thats because you dont know the army. 
The other day they ishued each fello what they 
called Irun Rashuns. That means a can of petri- 
fied crackers an a can of gold fish. Its not a bad 
name for the crackers. Your supposed to tote 
around your Irun Rashuns with you wherever you 
go. The only thing is that you mustnt eat them. 

When they handed them out the Captin said 

we wasnt ever to eat them unless we absolutely 

had to. As if anybody in his right mind would. 

Im all for obeyin orders tho when it dont conflict 

" with my duty. Joe Balderose ate his half an hour 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 251 

after breakfast and then wanted me to split with 
him on mine. I says "No. Not till I absolutely 
have to. An then 111 be so far gone that you wont 
have a look in." I waited till hap past ten tho I 
was gettin awful weak the last half hour. Youd 
ought to have heard the Captin when he saw me. 
Youd have thought I was eatin some of his old 
harness. 

As far as I can see, Mable, its just another of 
his ways of passin the buck. If General Perish- 
ing should happen to find one of us starved to 
death some mornin he wants to be able to show 
him we had plenty of food on us when we slipped 
away. Hes smart all right, that fello. 

You cant tell what may happen before I have 
a chance to rite agen but we wont cross any 
bridges before we leap as the poets say. 

Yours to the last crum 

Bill 

Dere Mable: 

Were on the front at last in what they call a 
quiet sector. Most of the soldiers round this 
place is French. I understand there pretty sore 
at the Americans cause some of them came up 
here and began shootin up the Germans. Of 
course you cant have a decent war if nobodies 
goin to pay any atenshun to the rules. 

The worst part of the war is gettin to it. I 
been rained on so much the last week I feel like 



252 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

an old sponge. Every nite weve been marchin 
along thru the pitch dark with trucks an guns an 
everything else that rattles poundin along on each 
side. 

Nobody could strike a light durin the whole 
trip. Then when we get to this place the French- 
men that we were goin to relieve came out in the 
road with lanterns to see who we were. Its a 
wonder the Captin didnt make us crawl up on 
our hands an knees. 

We finally got the guns in posishun. How we 
found the place in the dark is more than I can 
tell. Were in the middle of a ruined village. It 
looks like those picturs of old Greek office build- 
ins that hangs in the high school hall. Its funny, 
Mable, but the first real rest Ive had since I got 
in the army is since Ive got to the front. The 
only livin thing we see is rats an airyplanes. The 
archies shoot all day at the planes but it dont seem 
to bother them much. They just sail along like a 
limosine with a lot of little dogs tryin to bite off 
the tires. I guess if they ever hit one the shock 
would kill the gun crew as quick as it would the 
pilot. 

Our guns is pointed at a hill right in front of us. 
Every mornin we fire a few shots at this an then 
spend the rest of the day cleanin the guns. If 
they used these guns as much as they clean them 
the war would have been over long ago. Toward 
evenin the Fritzes return the complement. Ev- 




( IVE FOUND THE FIRST REAL USE FOR MY TIN DERBY 



254 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

erybody comes out to see where they land but 
they must fire them up in the air cause nobodies 
ever been able to find out yet. When your not 
cleanin the gun or on gard you have to stay down 
in your dugout sos the airyplanes wont see you. 
Theyve got to be awful quick if they want to get 
a sight of me. Ive got the deepest dugout except 
for the Captin. When the Top sargent wants a 
detail you can bet hes not goin to clime down 
fifty steps after one Buck private. 

Ive found the first real use for my tin derby. 
The fello that invented these dugouts couldnt 
seem to decide wether to put in stairs or a ladder 
so he split the difference. Right across the top 
of the entrance he put a nice sharp beam. Its 
fixed so that it gets you in the chin goin down an 
on the top of the head comin up. Hed have split 
more than the difference long ago if it hadnt been 
for that tin derby of mine. 

Marv Motel, whats gunner on my piece, is 
busy all day fixin things up. He says if were goin 
to be here the rest of our lives we mights well 
have things homelike. He dug up an old rug an 
a lace curtin somewhere that the Germans had 
missed. The rug hes got in the gun pit an the 
curtin over the trail of the gun to set the barrage 
shell on. They keep a shell ready all the time 
in case somebody starts a battle without the usual 
weeks notice. Marvs got it shined up like a 
young doctors door plate. Every nite he raps 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 255 

it up an put an old one in its place. Angus says 
when he gets time hes goin to carve the names 
of the gun crew on the side sos we can take it 
back an give it to some museum. 

Well, Mable, you might as well take down your 
service flag. I guess the only action 111 ever see 
is when I get home an meet Archie Wainwright. 
Yours till theres something doin 

Bill 

Dere Mable: 

Well, you can take your service flag out of 
moth balls agen. An if the Fritzes try any more 
monkey bisiness like they did this mornin you can 
buy a can of radiator paint for the star. 

Angus an I was standin outside the dugout fin- 
ishin our mornin goldfish an plannin a few correk- 
shuns for the army when a boiler exploshun hap- 
pened right behind us. After things had quieted 
down a bit I looked out from behind a piece of 
old stone wall where I seemed to be lyin, to see if 
there was anything left for identificashun. I saw 
a foot layin outside the dugout. I knew it be- 
longed to Angus cause hes the only man in the 
army with one like it. I was just goin to pick it 
up thinkin his family might like it to remember 
him by when another foot came out. Then the 
whole of him. Hed crawled under an old pawlin 
that had been spread out to dry. This war cer- 
tinly has proved that fish aint a brain food. Out- 



256 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE 



i» 



side of bein a little mussed up from a mud pub- 
die hed found under the pawlin he seemed all 
right. When I ast him if he was lookin for any- 
thing, tho, he got all worked up. The Skotch is 
awful emoshunal. 

While we was standin there wonderin wether 
somebodied been smokin in bed in the amunishun 
dug out another boiler blew up right in front of 
us. At least I think it was in front as near as I 
could tell from the bottom of the dug out stairs. 
Angus saved my life that time cause we both hap- 
pened to go down the stairs together an I went 
down on top of, Angus. 

Marv Motel was asleep down in the dug out. 
He got awful sore an wanted to know how a fello 
was ever goin to get any rest with a bunch of this 
an that fools rough housin around all day. Then 
came two more black hand awtrocities. Angus 
swears the second one rocked the dug out so his 
mess kit slid right offen the table. Things quieted 
down after that so we went out finally to see if 
we could pick up any soovenirs out of the wreck. 

Weil, Mable, Id have bet anybodies money 
before I went out that none of those shots had 
lit more than ten feet away. It took us half an 
hour tho before we could locate all the holes. 
When we did they was all about a hundred yards 
away. The funny part about it was that there 
was one in front and back an one on each side 
of the battery. 




A • 



, 4? 




J 



& 









ANOTHER BOILER BLEW UP RIGHT IN FRONT OF US 



258 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

The Cap tin came out of his dug-out while we 
was lookin at them. I guess hed been down there 
doin some deep thinkin. He looked them over 
like he was Shylock Homes or somebody. Then 
he said that was an old Fritz trick to put a shot 
on all four sides of a battery. Some day when 
he had lots of amunishun hed split the diference. 
All I can say is that when he starts splittin Im 
goin to set a new rekord down these dug out 
stairs wether Angus is there to ride on or not. 

Nothins happened since so weve all been hopin 
that those was just four old shots that the Ger- 
mans wanted to get rid of. A truck came in last 
nite with a lot of bread an a quarter of a cow 
done up in burlap like summer furniture so every- 
bodies forgot the war in favor of a roast beef 
dinner. 

It certinly is goin to make me laugh, Mable, 
if I should ever get home an see those sines about 
bread all done up in tishue paper what aint never 
touched human hands since the fello that rapped 
it up. Over here they handle bread like coal only 
a little rougher not havin any shoots an things. 

Our bread comes in round loaves like the 
French. Its handier to carry an dont bust so 
easy when it hits things. Ive seen the doboys 
bore a hole in the middle and sling a loaf over 
there shoulder with a piece of string like a pair 
of feel glasses. I suppose theyll be gettin out 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 259 

an order pretty soon about which side your to 
wear your bread on. 

After all Ive eat tho I aint dead yet. Of course 
thats no permanent health certifikate. 

I started this letter early this mornin. Now its 
almost nite agen. A fello never can get any 
work done without gettin interupted in the army. 
I got to quit now cause I was supposed to relieve 
Marv Motel on gard half an hour ago sos he 
could get his supper. I guess he wont mind when 
he finds out weve gone back to gold fish agen. 
vours till they split the diference 

Bill 

Dere Mable: 

We fooled the Fritzes by pullin out of that 
last place before theyd had a chance to split the 
diference. We came back to this little town for 
what they call a rest. That word "rest" dont mean 
the same thing as the one we use. For instance 
when an oficer comes into the room everybodys 
supposed to jump up like theyd been sittin on a 
tack. Then he says "Rest." Youd naturally 
think he meant lie down an take it easy for an 
hour or so. All he means is that you dont have 
to stand like a windo dummie. 

An then agen when your standin in line an 
somebody says "Parade rest." Insted of lyin 
down in the grass somewhere an takin a smoke 
you grab hold of your thums an stick one foot 



260 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

in front of the other like those old fotografs of 
your grandfather in the album. 

The worst kind of rest tho is when you get 
back in a place like this. That means eight hours 
a day scrubbin guns an drillin an smoothin out 
horses. If that doesnt seem to set you on your 
feet you stand gard all nite. 

The Bilitin oficer likes this place. Hes got my 
gun squad in a barn with half the roof shot off 
an the other half awful undecided. It isnt the 
part thats gone we mind so much as the part 
thats left. Id hate to come all this way just to 
interfere with a brick. Everybody wears there 
tin derby to bed at nite. 

Payday came along this mornin. In the after- 
noon a couple of doboys came along that had 
just been paid to. Me an Angus took them on 
for a friendly game right off the Main street. It 
was rainin an the wind was blowin cats an dogs 
but we had most of the doboys money an they 
didnt seem to want to go till we had it all so 
nobody minded the wether much. Angus had 
just passed six times an about all the money we 
had was bet when there was a swish like a punc- 
tured tire an everything seemed to blow up all 
around. 

There is times in this world when you dont 
stop to figger what nobody owes you. When I 
looked up agen I could see where it had lit in an 
old wreck across the street. The next thing I 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 261 

noticed was that the doboys an all the money 
was gone. We never did find out wether they 
was blown up or skipped. 

Were goin to move out of here now in a day 
or two. The Captin says were goin to a more 
active sector. 

Yours till you read it in the papers 

Bill 

Dere Mahle: 

Were in a new posishun. That sounds like 
those vawdevel fellos that paint themselves gold 
an stand on one leg or a hired girl. It aint 
nothin like that tho. In the army a posishun is 
anywhere your guns happen to be. Just now ours 
is in a woods an a couple of feet of mud. 

The horses is showin wear to. If theyd done 
half the work I have theyd be wearin a tin jacket 
labeled corn Willie long ago. Most of them is 
so thin you could hang your hat on there hips an 
there ribs would make a good letter file. 

Every horse has got a gas mask tied under 
his chin. They think there nose bags an pretty 
near break there necks tryin to get at them. Ive 
showed my horse his mask open an everything. 
He doesnt seem to catch on tho. Thats the 
trouble with these French horses. You cant make 
them understand. 

The Captin sent me back in the woods on a 
little undertakin job today. Lem Wattles horse 



262 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE 



!» 



had succeeded in dyin after bein at it for two 
weeks. It was the only thing he ever put any 
effort in. Just to look at him you wouldnt see 
what took him so long. That horse just couldnt 
do anything quick tho. It seems Im always bury- 
in horses. There so darn contrary theyll drag 
themselves for miles just to die at my feet. 

We was sittin on the corps restin a while before 
we started to work when we heard one of those 
high powered wash boilers go off back by the 
guns. A minit later another landed. We post- 
poned the funeral an went back to collect the ideft- 
tificashun tags. One shell had lit right behind my 
gun an thrown mud all over it. The other had 
planted itself in a field just outside the woods. 

Now we got to pull out of here tonite an go 
somewhere else like a fello tryin to sleep on a 
park bench. 

A lot of the fellos families is givin there letters 
to the newspapers. Sometimes they print there 
picturs with them. Lem Wattles what never had 
his name in the paper before except when he 
used to get arrested, showed me a piece about 
two feet long with his face on top. Of course 
none of the things he rote about ever happened. 
He was back at trainin camp when he rote them. 
Lem will fight if you call him a liar tho. 

I dont mean this as a hint to you to give my 
letters to the papers cause Im tryin to avoid 
publicity. 




LEM WATTLES WHAT NEVER HAD HIS NAME IN THE PAPER 



264 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

Im goin to turn in now a fighter cant get to 
much sleep. Besides I was on gard last nite 
an my brains seem to be dead today. 

as always modist 

Bill 

Dere Mable: 

I got a new job. Im an artilery runner with 
the infantry. Dont get the idear Im on some 
kind of a track team cause theres one thing a 
runner dont do an thats run. Im not sure yet 
what the jobs all about myself. I dont seem to 
be in the artilery any more an Im not in the 
doboys. Mugwump. Thats me all over, Mable. 

As far as I can make out the artilery send an 
oficer up to live with the infantry an keep the 
doboy majors mind off the war. He plays stud 
poker with him an explains that those shells were 
Fritzes and not ours that busted all over his 
prize company the other day. They dont believe 
each other cause nether of them thinks the other 
fello knows what hes talkin about so they get 
along pretty good. 

The artilery oficer has two runners with him 
in case he wants a clean shirt or something from 
the battery. Me an Joe Mink just lie around 
and wait for something to happen. Nothin ever 
happens tho so we just lie around an wait. 

Were livin right up in the trenches now, Mable. 
Right down in them would be more like it. This 




WERE LIVIN RIGHT UP IN THE TRENCHES NOW 



266 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

idear of comin into the war last certinly has ad- 
vantages. Every time I look at all these trenches 
an holes I feel sorry for the poor fello what had 
to dig them. Whoever laid em out didnt seem 
to have much idear of where he wanted to go. 
Most of them wander around awhile an come 
back to where they started. All of them are as 
crooked as a plummers assistant. If anyone asks 
you where a place is around here your safe in 
sayin right around the corner. 

Everywhere you step theres a foot of mud an 
water. If there wasnt so many corners you could 
get around better in a canoo. They got sidewalks 
in most of the trenches they call duck boards. A 
duck board is a lot of little slats nailed across a 
couple of wooden rails. The way there laid it 
looks as tho somebody had walked along the top 
of the trench an dropped the seckshuns in. Some 
is upside down, some lap over each other, some 
is leanin agenst the sides of the trench an in the 
deep places some isnt there at all, Joe Mink 
says it keeps a fello on his toes. 

Every four or five feet they leave out half a 
dozen slats. If you dont break your neck in one 
of these places they get the corners banked the 
wrong way so, youll slide off an get drownd. If 
they miss you on the straitaway theyll get you on 
the turns. , 

The Lootenant sleeps with a couple of doboy 
oficers in a sekshun of engine boiler set in the side 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 267 

of the trench. I sleep down in a place that looks 
like an old mine. About the only way you could 
get a shell into the thing would be to lower it 
down with a rope. Its the best billet Ive struck 
up here tho. Theres no windos for fresh air 
feends to be monkeyin with all the time, an of 
course there aint no light to shine in your face 
when your tryin to sleep. The only trouble is 
theres seven fellos sleepin there an only five bunks 
so we got to take turns sleepin. The floor is to 
muddy. 

That is to say, Mable, seven fellos an two 
hundred rats. I never used to take much stock 
in those rat stories but I certinly take off my hat 
to them now. Thats about all you can take off 
unless you want to get eaten. These fellos will 
eat anything from the hobnails out of your shoes 
to a bag of Bull. They make a goat look like a 
dispeptik. You dont notice them while the candles 
are lit an your movin around. As soon as you 
blow out the light an lie still, tho, you can hear 
them comin out all over to have dinner off your 
equipment. 

They have what they call a runners bench out- 
side the tin house where the Lootenant sleeps. 
Joe an I is supposed to take turns sittin there. 
Its something like the bell hops bench in a hotel 
only this is an active front. You wont get that 
for a minit, Mable. All you can here when your 
sittin out there a fello inside saying "Hello. 



268 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

Pancake. Get off the wire Peggy. I want Pan- 
cake. Pancake busy? Give me Pauline. Is that 
you Purgatory? This is Pineapple speakin." 

After Id lissened to that for about half an hour 
I felt like the gate gard of a bug house. I got 
hold of the Lootenant in a friendly way an told 
him Id go halves on my bunk with him cause I 
didn't think it was safe to sleep with that fello. 
He might think he was a crum some night an try 
to choke somebody. The Lootenant said that was 
just a way they had of telefonin up here. He 
said you never could tell when a German might 
be lyin up on the roof or under a bunk lissenin 
to you. On account of that nobody called any- 
body else by there right name. For instance he 
said they called the General Pancake an the Col- 
onel Peggy an this place was called Pineapple. 

The more I thought about it the more it sound- 
ed like a good sensible idear to me. I went in 
an told the Lootenant that unless he had some- 
thing better I thought Id call him Prune juice 
from then on. He said Id guessed wrong unless 
I wanted to act as a stone crusher on a road gang. 
The trouble with most of these fellos is there to 
stuck up to play the game. Its all right to call 
a General Pancake or a Colonel Peggy but you 
want to watch out what you call a 2nd Lootenant. 

Well Mable, if what they say is true the do- 
boys will be goin over pretty soon. The Looten- 
ant says were goin with em. Its about as good 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 269 

a chance to pick up a few first hand soovenirs as 
a fello could want. In case anything happens like 
my gettin killed or such dont bother about goin 
into mornin or buyin a lot of new letter paper. 
Just give them that pictur of me standin in front 
of the American flag. An when the reporters call 
for details remember the skies the limit. 

yours until the Fritzes get me 

Bill 



Dere Mable: 

Its nobodies fault but the Fritzes that you aint 
gettin an extinguished service medal insted of 
this letter. A couple of mornins after I rote you 
last Joe woke me up an said they were puttin on 
a battle upstairs. From the way they were shoot- 
in things up he thought they ought to be down in 
the dug-out in a little while. Joes the kind of a 
fello that gets you up an hour before theres any 
need for it. I told him to call me when he heard 
them at the top of the stairs. Practical. Thats 
me all over, Mable. Then I turned over to get 
some sleep. 

Then the Lootenant came runnin down cussin 
an swearin because the fone was busted. He told 
us wed have to go back to the battery an tell em 
to snap out of it an show the Fritzes that it took 
two to make an argument. From where we was 
the Fritzes seemed to be puttin up a pretty good 



270 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

argument all alone an most of it seemed to be 
goin in the direckshun of the battery. But Joe 
says Sailor Gare so we started off down the road. 
There was plenty of noise out there. It was awful 
foggy but you could see the red flashes once in a 
while when one of them lit in a field near the road. 

Every time one busted Joe would duck into a 
ditch. He had me doin it pretty soon. The more 
we ducked the more we couldnt help it till we 
was goin down the road like a couple of Rushin 
dancers. Then we broke all the rules of the 
runners union an ran. 

We didnt have no trouble findin the Cap tin 
cause we knew just where to look. Just as we 
started to go down in his dug-out we heard a big 
one comin and both landed together at the bot- 
tom. After a fellos face gets broken in to goin 
down stairs that way its the easiest way. The 
Captin was awful sore. He wanted to know what 
the this an that we meant by comin in without 
knockin. That fello would want you to salute 
if you had both arms shot off. I didnt say nothin. 
Just gave him the Lootenants message. 

That seemed to make him madder still. He 
pushed the papers around on his desk an said 
didnt that one thing an another Lootenant know 
he couldnt get fire without orders from regimental 
headquarters. An didnt he know that regimental 
headquarters couldnt give any order till they was 
asked for it by doboy headquarters. An why the 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MARLE!" 271 

this an that didnt we go to the doboys if we 
wanted some fire. 

Id like to have told him where to go to get 
some fire. I just saluted tho, an said "Yes sir." 
Spirited. Thats me all over, Mable. Then we 
went back to pass the buck to the Lootenant. The 
doboy oficers was all sittin around tellin him how 
good the Inglish artilery was. A couple of hours 
later when Joe an I was havin breakfast we heard 
the battery fire about twenty shots. The doboys 
said it was lucky we didnt fire any more cause 
they was probably all shorts anyway. That dont 
mean that they were a different size or anything, 
Mable. A short is a shell that hasnt got the 
ambishun. 

I went up to an artilery observashun post with 
the Lootenant the other day. Only it isnt a post 
but a round tin house like a ticket office set in the 
trenches on top of a hill. Theres a slit cut in the 
front to look thru. The Lootenant showed me 
where Nobodies land was. I could see the Fritz 
trenches runnin in front of a piece of woods about 
half a mile away. They must have all been away 
on a furlo or something cause there wasnt as 
much as a fly sittin over there. 

This is a great place for soovenirs. I got a 
lot of buttons, a piece of shell, a couple of bones 
I found stickin out of the trench an a Fritz hand 
grenade. As soon as I can find a box Im goin 
to send you the whole bunch. I wouldnt monkey 



272 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

with the hand grenade much. It doesnt look as 
if it had ever exploded. Give it to Archie Wain- 
wright an tell him its a trench warmer. Maybe 
hell stick it in the fire. 

In the afternoon when things is quiet an every- 
bodies asleep we go out an throw hand grenades 
at the rats. Thats good sport cause you got to be 
quick or youll get your self insted of a rat. Joe 
Mink had to spoil it of course by blowin in dug 
outs. Hed have been all right if hed picked old 
dug outs but he wasnt satisfied till hed found one 
with a fello comin up the stairs. I dont see yet 
tho why there was such a holler raised. The old 
thing didnt go off. It just caught the fello in the 
stummick an knocked some wind out. He blacked 
Joes eyes an then went to the Major. Joes back 
in the eschelon now groomin horses. Angus Mac- 
Kenzie has come up in his place so Im just as 
satisfied. 

I guess were goin across pretty soon now. Then 
111 be able to get a helmet an a looger pistel an a 
pair of feel glasses. I guess the Fritzes are gettin 
scared. I hope there not as scared as I am. 

yours indefinitely 
Bill 

Dere Mable: 

Since I rote you last I been over the top with 
the doboys, taken a woods that I cant see why 
anybody wanted, an collected enuff soovenirs to 




"it doesnt look as if it had ever exploded 



»» 



274 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE! 

equip a South American army. Im ritin this 
from a Fritz dug-out in the middle of the woods 
on Fritz oficers paper. If Id telefoned ahed he 
couldnt have had things fixed up better for me. 
There was a lunch out on the table an blankets 
an even clean underdose (if youll excuse my men- 
shuning them) . They used to have electric lights 
here but somebody soovenired the dinamo so they 
wont work. 

The nite before we went over four more ar- 
tilery runners came up. I ast the Lootenant if 
they was plannin to send any doboys over to help 
us in the attack. He said there had to be a lot 
of runners sos that when two went back with a 
message an got killed he could send two more. 
Always cheery an bright, the Lootenant. 

The nite before the attack we went up to a 
tunnel thats dug right under a hill an has got 
rooms in it an everything. Those fellos didnt 
seem to care how many shovels they wore out. 
We got into it down a long flight of steps in the 
pitch dark where I like to have broke my neck. 
Then down a long passage feelin your way along 
the road. Every four or five feet somebody 
would run into you an cuss you. 

At last we came round a bend an there was all 
the doboys sittin in the mud eatin supper an 
smokin. The only lights they had was pieces of 
candle stuck up on there equipment. It looked 
like the whole army was in that tunnel an all 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 275 

smokin at the same time. The Lootenant told us 
to make ourselves comfortable then he disap- 
peared into one of the rooms off to the side. 

About ten o'clock all the doboys got up an 
went out. Then we sat in the mud and waited 
for three hours. Angus found some duck boards 
and went to sleep. 

Some time after midnite a lot of oficers came 
out of the room. We walked thru the tunnel so 
far that I figgered that we must be comin out 
somewhere behind the German lines. At last we 
climed a flight of stairs an there we were right out 
doors. Id expected thered be an awful battle 
goin on by that time but everything was as quiet 
as church except for a few big ones that would 
sail over every once in a while. The stars were 
all out just like it was an ordinary nite. We 
walked along a lot of paths an fell over a lot 
of old barb wire, then dropped into a trench. It 
struck me that was the time to go across while 
things were quiet. But I heard the doboy Major 
say that there was only four more hours to wait. 
These fellos are worse than your family for gettin 
to places on time. 

Everything was quiet for a long time. Then 
all of a sudden all the guns in the world began 
bangin away at the same minit. Over the top of 
the hill behind us an as far as you could see 
ether way it was just one big flash. Then the 
shells began racin over, squealin an whisselin an 



276 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

rumblin along like they was racin each other to 
see who was goin to get first crack at the Fritzes. 

Every one of them seemed to have its own 
speshul whissel tied onto it. Some of them rum- 
bled along like a fast train hittin a down grade. 
Some would just sing an hum to themselves sort 
of quiet an happy while others would go yellin 
an screamin across like the fire department on an 
exhibishun run. There was one bunch that 
squealed like a trolly goin round a turn on dry 
rails. You sort of felt as if someone ought to 
grease it. 

Besides all these noises over our heads there 
was the poundin an hammerin behind us from the 
guns themselves. The big fellos just boom 
boomed away like a bunch of base drums. Up 
nearer tho it was like a mountin of giant fire 
crackers goin off together. Then thered be a let 
up for a second like a fello thats awful mad but 
runs out of words. After that theyd go at it 
agen harder than ever. 

The best part of it was that most of them was 
our own shells. The Fritzes didnt seem to get 
into the spirit of the thing at all. Every few min- 
utes theyd sail over a big one right near the tunnel 
where we came out. That was about as safe a 
place as he could have put em cause there wasnt 
anybody there. 

At first the noise an everything gave a fello 
something to think about. After a while tho you 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 277 

got used to it just like you do to Niagra Falls or 
a steam radiator. Then there wasnt anything to 
do but get cold an ask about the time. A couple 
of doboys got tellin each other what kind of a 
dinner theyd order if they was some place where 
they wasnt. Whenever you get uncomfortable 
enuff a couple of fellos like that always show up. 
I slid down in the bottom of the trench where it 
was a little warmer an tried to smoke a cigaret 
under my hand. I must have dropped off to 
sleep cause the next thing I knew I was all doubled 
up in the bottom of the trench an half froze. I 
heard somebody say "Fifteen minites more." The 
guns was goin it harder than ever. If we hadnt 
won that scrap wed have had to knock off the 
war for a couple of months till they got some 
more amunishun. 

Goin over wasnt much. Id read so many things 
about how you felt just before an just when an 
just after that I tried to figger just how I did 
feel. I was so cold I couldnt feel anything tho. 
I was thinkin about this when somebody says 
"Snap out of it ahead there. There goin." An 
there was the Lootenant boostin the Major out of 
the trench an a lot of doboys with their rifles in 
there hands hurryin along the top an disappearin 
in the fog. 

Just as we got out of the trench the worst 
noise started I ever heard. It made all the shootin 
that went before sound like a fello drummin on 



278 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

the table with a couple of knives. Even the 
machine guns was in it this time. They sounded 
like a rivitin competishun in a ship yard. I heard 
somebody say "There goes our machine gun bar- 
rage. I hope they get it over our heads." He 
struck me as a pretty sensible fello. 

Somebody had marked the place up with tape 
like a tennis court. We followed along one of 
these till we came to another tape runnin the same 
way as the trenches. There was a lot of doboys 
lyin down there an a lot of others comin up thru 
the fog, half runnin, half walkin an all of them 
stooped over like they was carryin something 
heavy. 

In front it was just fog. We could see red 
flashes runnin thru it like bubbles in boilin water 
where the shells from our barrage was bustin. 
The fog didnt go very high cause you could make 
out a little blue sky once in a while. Then right 
thru the top of it came tearin out a regular fourth 
of July celebrashun of Fritz fireworks. They 
were just like the rockets at Weewillo Park that 
spit out long snakes of gold fire like a broom 
when they bust. The nearer that barrage came to 
the Fritz trenches the faster they went up all along 
the line. 

We lay there a few minites till everybody came 
up. The thing that struck me now was that I 
wasnt scared. Id been more afraid of bein scared 
than anything else. Then the Major got up an 




'there was the lootenant boostin the major out of the trench' '* 



280 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

started on with everybody else taggin along with 
him. It was to foggy to see what was happenin 
on each side. We went down a hill. It got 
swampy an we struck some duck boards. Some- 
body must have been over before us an put them 
down. If they could get around as easy as that 
it beat me what they were makin all this fuss for. 

All around us was big shell holes filled with 
water. They gave the Americans a second hand 
battle field to begin on. The French had used it 
lots of times before. Once I lost sight of the 
Lootenant an stepped off the duck boards to pass 
some doboys. It was like steppin into a well. 
There didnt seem to be any bottom to it. I 
grabbed hold of a doboy that was goin by but he 
pushed me back agen an says "Who the this an 
that do you think your mawlin around here?" 
Then somebody gave me a hand. What I needed 
more than a tin derby was a pair of water wings. 
I didnt feel cold any more tho. 

Something happened to the duckboards an we 
was wadin in mud to our knees. Every once in a 
while Id slip into a shell hole an then Id have 
to run to catch up agen. That Major must have 
been brought up in Indiana the way he got thru 
the mud. My rapped leggins began to shrink an 
the cavs of my legs hurt something awful. But 
we kept goin an goin without ever gettin to the 
Fritz trenches. 

After a while we came to a little creek about 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 281 

ten foot wide with bushes along each side, The 
Major an a couple of the oficers just jumped right 
in an waded across. It wasnt much over there 
waste but it looked awful cold an black slippin 
along thru the fog. The doboys stood for a minit 
on the bank shivering like a dog when you throw 
a stick he wants in a pond he knows is cold. 

I wish you could have heard the Major cuss. 
He had a line that would have driven a team of 
mules without reins or a whip. Naturally havin 
gotten all wet he couldnt see callin the battle off 
there. Pretty soon some doboy jumped in right 
where hed gone over. Then it seemed like the 
whole army was fightin to get across in that one 
place. Of course they had the whole creek to 
pick from but somehow nobody thought of that 
till everything was all over. 

All this time I kept thinkin how we was most 
across Nobodies land an I wasnt scared yet. I got 
so cocky about it I stopped to light a cigaret just 
to show the doboys that a battle or so didnt make 
no difference to me one way or the other. But 
we were thru the swamp now an my legs hurt 
agen. We came to a road runnin right down the 
middle of Nobodies Land. The Major stopped 
here an sent out fellos to see where the rest of 
the outfit was. The fog was still so thick you 
couldnt see nothin an you couldnt hear nothin of 
course on acount of the racket. 

All of a sudden a flock of machine guns got 



282 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

under way at the same time. There was a noise 
all around like a bunch of fellos whisselin thru 
there teeth. Everyone dropped down in the grass. 
I lay so close to the ground I bet I was a foot 
wider than usual. Then I knew the reason I hadnt 
been scared before was because nobodied been 
firin at us till now. Fightin is good fun, Mable, 
as long as the bullets are all goin the same way 
as you are. I dropped my cigaret when I flopped 
down. Now I could smell it burnin a hole thru 
my coat. I wouldnt have raised up enuff to pull 
it out tho if it had burned a hole right thru me. 

As soon as the whisselin let up a little the 
Major jumped up an says how he didnt know 
where the rest of the army was but we wasnt goin 
to lie there an rot. I didnt feel as if I was goin 
to rot for quite a while but I didnt like to get left 
behind so I tagged along. We passed two or 
three of our fellos that was done in. Then a 
bunch of barb wire with a couple of doboys 
workin like hell with wire clippers. Our shells 
had busted it up pretty good but there was an aw- 
ful lot to bust. 

Just as we got thru the wire somebody says 
"Look out." A Fritz was runnin toward us thru 
the fog. His hands was floppin over his head 
kind of loose an he was makin the queerest noises 
I ever heard. The way I imagine a sheep would 
if youd kicked it. 

His helmet was so big it looked more like a 




HIS HELMET LOOKED LIKE A TIN SUNBONNET 



284 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

tin sunbonnet. He was just a kid an the scardest 
one I ever seen. We didnt have time to soovenir 
him. Somebody just planted him an awful kick 
that sent him across the barb wire an out of sight 
thru the fog in the direcshun of our lines. 

Something else moved up ahead. We yelled at 
it but it didnt say nothin so a couple of doboys 
dropped down an fired. We passed him a minit 
later. He was layin on his back with one arm 
still floppin a little like a fello thats restless in his 
sleep. 

We were right in the Fritz trenches now. They 
were the ones Id seen a few days before from the 
observashun post. Everybody seemed to have 
cleared out except a few that was beyond clearin. 
There machine guns was layin around still hot. 
The doboys just distributed a few bums into the 
dug-outs like salvashun army tracks. Then we 
climed out an went on. 

The woods werent more than half a minit from 
the trenches. We ran right into them before we 
knew it. Everybody just busted into the bushes 
but I tell you Mable, it was worse than takin a 
cold bath in winter. I expected to fall into a 
machine gun nest any minit. Nobody tried to 
stop us tho. It looked as tho theyd all beat it. 
Pretty soon I came to a road all made out of 
boards. Id lost the Lootenant and the Major 
by this time but there was a lot of doboys around 
an it looked as tho the show was all over any- 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 285 

way. Just as we stepped out on the road about 
a dozen Fritzes came runnin down with there 
hands floppin over there heads an blattin like the 
first one had. Some doboy made a pass at one 
of them with a bayonet just for fun. He started 
to whine like a kid. No matter how scared I ever 
get Mable 111 never be as scared as these Fritzes 
an thats sayin a goodeel. 

Things seemed pretty well over so I stopped to 
help the doboys soovenir this bunch. I just took 
a few buttons an a helmet often one. He had 
red hair. Most of them wanted us to take 
everything they had. Then I started up the road 
to see if I could find the Lootenant an the Major 
an a looger pistel. There was a bunch of us all 
together. I don't know just how it happened but I 
guess there must have been a machine gun planted 
at a bend in the road just ahead of us. It cut 
loose as soon as the last prisoner had started for 
the rear. I could hear those old pills whisselin 
thru there teeth at me as they went past. A 
couple of the doboys dropped without lettin out a 
sound an I made a move that would have de- 
ceived the quickest eye. I never saw a road 
cleared so quick in my life. An there I lay beside 
the board road, Mable, lissenin to the machine 
gun bullets playin she loves me she loves me not 
with the daisies over my head. 

I hated to lose that helmet havin taken it off 
the Fritz myself an he havin red hair an the like. 



286 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

So I slipped it into an openin under the road. 
Then I noticed everybody else crawlin away thru 
the bushes so I crawled after them havin nothin 
else to do. 

After Id crawled till it seemed like I must be 
pretty near out of the woods an the knees of my 
trousers I stood up. When I looked around for 
the doboys there wasnt any. All I could hear 
was rivitin machines an shells bustin all around 
me. An the bullets was criss-crossin thru the 
bushes like a bunch of draggin flies. It seemed 
like a useless place for an artilery fello to be in. 

Well, Mable, Im goin to quit now cause one 
of the doboy runners is goin back an I want to 
give him this letter. I am enclosin some mud I 
picked up in Nobodies Land. It may help to give 
you some idear of the country. 

Yours to the last Fritz 

Bill 

Dere Mable: 

I never thought Id be ritin such long letters 
that Id have to be gettin them off my chest on 
the instalment plan. Ive sharpened my pencil so 
ofen there aint hardly enuff left to hang onto. 
There shellin the woods today. 'Every time one 
lands anywhere near the dug out something seems 
to break the point. 

Well, Mable, in my last letter I left myself 
standin all alone in the middle of the woods lis- 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 287 

senin to a lot of things flyin round my head that 
arent in no bird book. I was beginnin to think 
wether, havin lost the Lootenant an the Major, 
I hadnt ought to go back to my battery. Duty 
before plesure. Thats me all over, Mable. Just 
then I heard someone comin thru the woods. 

That was the worst minit of my life except 
once when I had to make a speech in High School. 
I decided if it was goin to be my last Id spend it 
as private as I could so I stepped behind a bush. 
Whoever was comin seemed to have the spring 
halt. Hed come a little way. Then hed stop. 
Then hed come a little. I couldnt figger where I 
had any call to act as a Fritz recepshun comittee 
so I started to crawl away. Just as I stuck my 
head around the bush I saw something that made 
me lie down agen so hard I bet the ground is still 
stamped with the eagels on my buttons. It was 
only the end of a shoe passin thru the brush about 
fifteen feet away. There are times tho when an 
old shoe can look worse than your granfathers 
gost sittin on the end of your bed makin faces 
at you. 

I lay there for what seemed like a couple of 
days. I didnt dare roll over on my back for 
fear of makin a noise an I didnt dare stay on my 
face for fear of somebody makin a pincushun out 
of me while I wasnt lookin. I was tryin to think 
out some way of not doin ether when the queerest 
noise you ever heard started on the other side of 



288 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

the bush. It was like water comin back into a 
facet after its been shut off for a while. I could 
feel my tin derby pull right up offen my head. 
The noise kept gettin loud an ended up with a 
sneeze. You couldnt have lifted me higher with a 
shell. I never was gladder tho to hear a sneeze 
cause I knew who that belonged to. I could have 
told it blindfolded in a milyun. 

I was so glad to find Angus I forgot he didnt 
know I was there an ran around the bush. He 
was lying in a bunch of briars all red in the face 
from trying to hold in. When he heard me comin 
he threw up both hands. Then when he saw who 
it was he tried to make out he was stretchin. 

Angus said hed been crawlin around the woods 
tryin to find somebody till he saw me duck behind 
a bush. Hed been layin there ever since tryin to 
decide wether to shoot me an take a chance on 
missin or lay there till I died a natshural death. 
It was easy to see tho that we wouldnt win any- 
thing but a wooden cross hangin round there so 
we walked thru the woods till we ran into about 
twenty doboys. One of them said they was after 
a machine gun nest that was holdin things up. 
Even that was better than snoopin around alone 
an we followed along like a couple of dogs after 
a parade. 

Well, Mable, the doboys is ether awful brave 
or awful stupid. They might have been after 
birds nests the way they went at it. Nobody but 




I STUCK MY HEAD AROUND THE BUSH 



2Q0 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

me seemed to figger that we might be comin urj 
in front of that machine gun insted of behind it. 
It was just beginnin to strike me that this didnt 
have much to do with an artilery runner when a 
couple of the doboys off to one side began throwin 
hand grenades. I heard a lot of cussin an when 
we got up there was five Fritzes standin in a pit 
with a machine gun. There hands was up in the 
air except for a couple that didnt count. 

It was the first time Id seen them doin any real 
soldierin. An do you know, Mable, there wasnt 
a woman among em. They wasnt even chained to 
there guns. Theres something wrong with this 
war or else the styles are changin. 

One of the doboys took them back. They were 
a pretty poor lot an didnt have anything worth 
while with them. The doboys seemed to have 
some idear where they were goin so we stuck 
along. They went down in a few dug outs. In 
one of them we found six Fritzes an four looger 
pistels. That made everybody feel pretty good 
except the fellos that was left out. They voted 
solid it was a rotten show. The machine guns 
was off more to one side now but it seemed like 
they was throwin a lot of shells around without 
much regard to where we was. 

We came out on a road an ran into a doboy 
Captin an two or three men. Havin nothin better 
to do we followed him. He turned up a little 
railroad track like the one that used to run 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 291 

around the county fair for a dime. It twisted 
along thru the woods without seemin to come out 
much of anyplace. Then we came round a bend 
an about fifty yards away was a gang of Fritzes 
stokin shells into four whoppin big guns as fast 
as they could fire them out. 

The next thing I knew I was runnin down that 
little track behind the Captin. Quite a ways be- 
hind, Mable. Everybody was cussin like a mule- 
skinner. Angus was sayin things in Skotch I bet 
hed hate to have rote down as his last words. 
But the Fritzes didnt seem to have no idear of 
makin them that. They stopped for one look an 
dove in the bushes like a bunch of rabbits. All 
except a few that was to scared to run. They just 
stood an gobbled at us. 

It seemed to me wed done something worth 
sittin around an havin a postmortem about. But 
the Captin just rote the name of his company on 
one of the guns with a piece of chalk. Then he 
lit his pipe an started off down the track agen. 
We came out on a road after a while an there 
was the Major an a whole lot of doboys. The 
doboys was sittin on the railroad track, smokin 
cigarets an watchin the shells bust in the woods 
all around them like they was at a baseball game. 
A squad of Fritzes was puttin a few of our doboys 
on stretchers an carryin them off down the road. 

Well, Mable, there aint much more to tell. The 
Major sent me over to a tin house where the 



292 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

Lootenant was. I found him dryin off by an old 
Fritz stove an eatin somebodies Irun Rashuns. 
I never could find out when the battle was offishul- 
ly over. There was machine guns poppin away all 
the afternoon but nobody seemed to be botherin 
much about them. I guess they just got sick of it 
an quit. Anyway they were gone by night. 

Now were lyin around takin it easy. We fire 
at the Fritzes all day an they fire back at us. They 
havnt interfered with my meals yet tho so let 
them go to it. Every dug out has been turned 
inside out. I guess the Fritzes dont get charged 
for losin equipment like we do. From the amount 
of stuff we found they must get pretty near un- 
dressed before they run away. 

Ive just been figgerin up the total victory with 
Angus. We got five loogers, two pair of feel 
glasses (one broke), a gold watch that can be 
fixed, three pocket fulls of buttons, a lot of let- 
ters we cant read an four belts. As for helmets 
an gas masks an the like all you got to do is reach 
your hand out the dug out door. If we could only 
soovenir a Ford truck to carry all this stuff 
wed be fixed. 

Im goin to quit now an get some sleep. Angus 
says lay up all you can while you have a chance. 
Hes laid up enuff to last him the rest of his life 
since Ive known him. 

Yours as long as it lasts 

Bill 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 293 

Dere Mable: 

Ive heard so many shells floatin over this old 
wood in the last week that they dont mean much 
more to me now than the postmans whissel. Only 
I hope I dont ever hear one stop an turn in here 
cause I aint hankerin to be evakuated like a pic- 
tur puzzle. 

Im sleepin with the doboy runners. If you 
want to know anything about the war thats the 
place to live. 

Yesterday the Lootenant called me over to his 
dug out an said he was goin to establish a couple 
of observashun posts. I thanked him an said Id 
seen all I wanted to so if it was the same to 
him Id stay in an keep my eye on the soovenirs. 
As soon as he saw I had something else to do hed 
have dragged me out if Id only had one leg to 
walk on. 

The Lootenant loaded everything he could 
think of onto my back. I wouldnt have been sur- 
prised if hed ended up by climin on himself. If 
you could win this war with telescopes an things 
it would have been over three days after he got 
into it. We went to a place where the Dutch had 
built a platform way up in a tree on the edge 
of the woods. The Lootenant an a doboy oficer 
climed up. They was up there so long we thought 
theyd probably found an old machine gun nest an 
gone to sleep in it. 

While we was sittin under the tree plannin how 



294 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

wed improve the army if it was ours we heard an 
airyplane comin. You could tell by the noise it 
was flyin low. We figgered if it was a Dutch 
plane the Lootenants was up a tree more ways 
than one cause they stuck up above the rest of the 
woods like a sore thum. Pretty soon we could see 
it thru the branches an sure enuff there was the 
irun cross painted on the bottom. It came up to 
the tree an circled round it. Then it opened up 
its machine gun at it an flew away with a trail 
of yellow smoke comin out its hind end. 

You ought to have seen those two Lootenants 
come down. They beat every law of gravity old 
man Newton ever passed. The Lootenant said 
theyd fixed that observashun post all right an now 
he was goin to put up another one on the other 
side of the woods. He thought this next one 
would be better on the ground. 

The next place we stopped was a little clearin 
on the side of a hill. You could look right across 
the Moose river an see where our shells was 
landin in a grave yard right near a Fritz town. 
Some of these fellos certinly is there. The Fritzes 
was gettin back at us by shellin our doboys near 
where we was workin. Thats the way they do. 
When we shell the Fritz doboys they come right 
back at us an shell ours. Its a case of you kick 
my dog an 111 kick yours. Thats a nice arrange- 
ment for everybody but the doboys. 

The Lootenant set up a little table an began 




>"you ought to have seen those two lootenants come down r 



296 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

squintin thru some glasses like he was goin to lay 
a railroad thru to Berlin. Then shh-bang an one 
of those little Hungry Awstrian guns lit in the 
woods behind us. Those things dont lie around 
in the sun decidin wether there goin to be duds or 
not I can tell you. I dont stand around waitin 
to find out ether. Im gettin so I can drop quicker 
than a war stock. When that thing lit we was 
all standin round watchin the Lootenant. When 
it started distributin itself around there wasnt 
nobody in sight. A couple of others came right 
after it closer still. 

After a while I heard the Lootenant say "Its 
so comfortable in here I hate to get out." Like 
he was takin a hot bath or something. Only he 
didnt fool nobody that way. When it looked 
like the Hungry Awstrians had quit everybody 
began poppin out of the ground agen. As soon as 
we was all up shh-bang. Angus cut his eye on a 
rock in the bottom of a shell hole. Hell be able 
to give pointers to Annie Kellerman when he 
gets home. If he ever gets wounded 111 bet itll 
be in the sole of the foot. 

After that the Lootenant decided he wouldnt 
keep us out any longer. He was afraid wed miss 
our mess. The war is changin some people. 

Well Mable 111 rite you agen in a few days if 
I dont get put on detached service with the Angels, 
until then yours exclusively 

Bill 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 297 

Dere Mable: 

I suppose you thought I was dead for the last 
two weeks. You was so near to right a couple 
of times I wanted to get something definite on it 
before I rote you. I been havin newmonya now 
in the hospittle for ten days. I havnt been so 
sore since I had the mumps Crismus vacashun. 
After duckin half the shells the Croup people ever 
turned out I had to get hit with a cold in the 
head. I bet I get the chicken pox on my honey- 
moon. 

An now here I am holdin down an irun cot 
that creeks when you turn over, missin all the fun 
an not even goin to get a wound stripe. The 
worst of it they tell me I got as much chance of 
gettin back to my battery as I havin of catchin 
the Croun Prince. They say like as not 111 land 
in some Steva Dora regiment in the SOS or in 
the M.P.s. They dont seem to have nothin to 
do in this army but take you from where you 
want to be an put you where you dont. 

But I aint goin to complain, Mable. I told 
em that after Id been here four days. All I say 
is if they dont let me out of this hole toot sweet 
Im goin to get up an beat it an die on the road. 
Then perhaps theyll wish they had. 

Theres not a blessed thing to do but wait for 
mess an lissen to the fello lie in the next bed. 
He can make Annie Nias look like Martha Wash- 
ington before hes been talkin Rve minites. He 



298 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

says that when he got hit the shells was fallin 
around him so fast that the only way he saved his 
life was by deflectin them off with a bayonet. Two 
of them came at him at once an he got mixed up. 
I ast him why he didnt catch one on the back of 
his neck like the fello does the cannon balls in 
the vawdeville show. The nufse told me yester- 
day he got his foot run over by a truck. Every- 
body spends there time tellin how they used to 
shake dice with death every mornin before break- 
fast. It works out all right cause nobody believes 
anybody else an it gives them good practice for 
when they go home. 

Its a funny thing about the fello in the next 
bed. I came in two days after he did. Four days 
after he got here he came down with newmonya. 
I got it two days later. He died last night. But 
of course that dont necesarily mean nothin. 
Cheerful an bright to the last gasp. Thats me 
all over, Mable. Of course I dont want you to 
worry cause that would make me worry an theres 
no tellin what that would bring on. 

Well, Mable, I got a big surprise for you. I 
guess itll take a load offen your mind. You know 
all that stuff we been readin in the war stories 
about hospittles an the like. It all goes the same. 
"The next thing the fello knew he was lyin be- 
tween snowy white sheets an a butiful vizun was 
bendin over him. She had vilet eyes an was full 
of tears like shed been cryin or something. An 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 299 

she smooths out his pillo an says 'Your better 
now.* " That smoothin out the pillo always seems 
to cure em. Well, Mable, Im sorry to say thats 
all bunk — every word of it. 

When I first heard they were goin to send me 
to a hospittle behind the lines I didnt care a bit, 
I wanted to have a look at a vilet eyed nurse. 
Accordin to the books they usuly turn out to be 
Dutcheses or somebody. I was plannin to look 
up in her eyes an say "This must be heven. Do 
you happen to have any lemonade?" Or some- 
thing mushy like that. Then shed cry some more 
an like as not put a stick in the lemonade. 

Of course I wouldnt have married her or noth- 
in. In the first place all the churches over here 
is knocked down an besides I got other plans if 
I ever get a chance between wars. 

The thing started off all wrong by my not bein 
unconshus when they brought me in. I didnt even 
ride in on a stretcher. I was a sittin case. They 
walk. Before I could get into the place at all I 
had to report to a sargent. He ast me so many 
questions I thought I must have struck some re- 
cruitin stashun an might be enlistin agen. I pretty 
near had heart failure for a minit. The sargent 
told me report to Ward 19. You never go any- 
where in the army. You report. Theyd have a 
fello in his coffin report to his grave if they 
could. 

When they built Ward 19 they took all the joy 



300 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

out of it by makin it look like a barracks. Insted 
of a vilet eyed nurse there was a bleary eyed 
Captin sittin in a little room in front. He didnt 
look as if hed been to bed since the war started. 
I says "Sir, Private Smith reports to be sick in 
Ward 19." Nobody cried or looked at me with 
tears in there eyes. The Captin just says "What 
the this an that is the matter with those fellos 
up there do they think this is the only hospittle 
in France? Lets see your card." 

He called an orderly who showed me an empty 
bed where I was to be sick. Then he says "If 
you want anything to eat you better get your 
close off." Just like a fello couldnt eat right with 
his close on. An he says "You dont have to set 
your dirty shoes on the blankets nether." 

After Id got into bed the nurse came along to 
take my temperment. I aint goin to say nothin 
agenst that nurse tho. She was all right an it 
wasnt her fait she didnt have vilet eyes. As for 
cryin, Mable, she was too busy to have shed a 
tear if you shoved a peck of onyuns under her 
nose. I never saw anybody work so hard. Shed 
make a good wife for the Top sargent. It would 
make him happy to sit around an watch her. 

Well, Mable, if you dont get another letter 
from me youll probably get one from the local 
congressman explainin why. If the worst come to 
worst tell your father I didnt bear no grudge 
agenst him. I was thinkin yesterday about a little 




'do you happen to have any lemonade?' " 



302 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

motto or something for my toomstone. I sort 
of like this one. I showed it to the nurse. She 
said she never saw anything like it on anybodies 
toomstone so I guess itll be all right. 

Here lies the body of Bill Smith, dead 
For the good of the service, with a cold in his head 
Tho hed felt (without duckin) the bullets breeze 
He was called aloft by an ordinary sneeze. 

yours hopefully 

Bill 

Defe Mable: 

All kinds of things has happened since I rote 
you last. In the first place I didnt die of new- 
monya like I said I was goin to but I bet I had 
the government worried about my insurance a 
couple of times. One day they put a bunch of 
us in an ambulance an drove off. Nobody knew 
where we was goin except that it was toward 
the front. It seemed good almost to hear those 
old guns bangin away just like Id never been 
gone. An then the first person I saw when they 
let me out was the Top sargent. Itll give you 
an idear how glad I was to get back to the outfit 
when I say I could have kised him, whissel an all. 

Im riting this way down in a Dutch dug-out. 
Upstairs there shellin all the time. War certinly 
has changed since I went to the hospittle. You 
take more chances goin to mess up here than 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 303 

you did goin over the top when this all started. 
In half an hour, I got to go on gas gard. That 
means I stand in front of the dug out an when 
I smell something I blow a klaxon. If any old 
Ford ever sneaks up behind me when I get home 
an blows a klaxon theyll probably see me clap 
my derby over my face an dive into a coal hole. 

Theyve thrown so much gas at us lately that 
its gettin on the mens nerves as well as there close. 
Most of the fellos would yell gas if you threw a 
pot of geraniums into the dugout. Somebody 
stepped on Anguses hand while he was asleep 
yesterday an he put some iodine on it. He woke 
up in the middle of the night an smelt it. He had 
us wearin our gas masks pretty near the rest of 
the night. But we 

Ive forgot what I was goin to say there. I bet 
Ive got gray hairs since I rote that last line. Just 
as I got to the "we" I heard the old klaxon 
squawk. When I felt around my chest for my 
gas mask it wasnt there. It was worse than findin 
yourself on the street car without a nickel on the 
way to your own weddin. I sat there wonderin 
how long I could hold my breth till I almost 
busted a lung. Then I remembered it was on my 
knee under the letter where Id been usin it for a 
ritin desk. Theyd have sent me back to the 
States as gas instructor if they could have seen 
me put on that mask. Chained lightenin. Thats 
me all over, Mable. 



304 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

All we do nowdays is move. Back in the States 
it used to take us 24 hours to get ready for a hike. 
Now were lucky if we get 24 minits. We expect 
anything an we havnt been disappointed so far. 
Like the other nite when we were on our way 
to this place. It was rainin as usual. Wed pitched 
pup tents in the woods an had just gotten to sleep. 
Angus an I was bunkin together on some hay that 
hed pulled of a forage wagon that was caught in 
a jam. We was lissenin to the rain an sayin how 
lucky we was not to be out in it. That is nothin 
but our feet an there always wet so they dont 
count. Its funny how different rain sounds beatin 
on the sides of a pup tent an on a tin derby. 

I went to sleep an dreamed I was on a train 
just pullin into Philopolis. I looked out the windo 
an saw your father on the platform with a whissel 
in his mouth. He was blowin it an dancin around 
like a mad monkey. Then I woke up an the Top 
was standin outside blowin on his whissel like he 
was tryin to blow the pea out of it an sayin "Fall 
in. Harness an hitch." 

Well, Mable, to say that bunch was sore was 
like callin Niagra Falls pretty. I dont supose 
you ever tried to make a blanket roll in the pitch 
dark an six inches of mud. It comes out like a 
jelly roll only mud insted of jelly. 

About midnight the Top came from somewhere 
an says "Unhitch an unharness. Put up your pup 
tents. We aint agoin to move." 




'tried to make a blanket roll in six inches of mud 



3 o6 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

I never saw so much mud. Mud seems to go 
with the army just like monkey meat an Top 
sargents an first calls. 

Theres been a whole lot of talk about peace 
lately. Angus says theres some Dutch oficers 
comin thru here in an automobile to see General 
Fosh about an armistice. An armistice is awful 
tecknickle, Mable. About the only way I can 
explain it is that you dont quit fightin only you do. 
I may be eatin gobbler at Thanksgivin yet. 

Just now I got to quit cause theres no armistice 
yet an Im supposed to go on gas gard at five 
o'clock. Its six now. The fello thats on gard 
has been yellin down the stairs at me fer an hour 
so I guess 111 go up an see whats the trouble. Hes 
an awful nervus fello. 

yours till I come off gas gard 

Bill 

Dere Mable: 

The war is over. Finney le gare. The six 
inch head lines lost their job at leven oclock Mon- 
day mornin. Its so quiet you can almost hear it. 
It sure will be a come down when we have to look 
at picturs in the Sunday papers of the Prince of 
Whales visitin a tooth pick factory an the flower 
show at Passadinner. 

It wasnt much of an endin to a worlds cham- 
peenship scrap. Id always thought that when 
they ended wars like this they lined up same as in 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 307 

the pictur your father has of whats his name sur- 
renderin to thingumbob at Yorktown. I thought 
General Fosh would come ridin out on a big white 
horse an General Hinderberg on a big black one. 
Hed hand Fosh his sord or whissel or whatever 
it is that Generals carry nowdays. Then every- 
body would cheer, the bands would bust out with 
the Star Spangled Banner an it would be just like 
after the fello rides a bicicle over five elefants 
in the circus. After that wed hand our guns over 
to some museum an go home. Somehow or other 
it was to big to peter out the way it did. 

We fired off an on Sunday night an then quit 
when it got daylight. Most of the fellos were 
down in the dug outs catchin a little sleep except 
for the gards an a few others that was monkeyin 
around upstairs. Me an Angus was sittin in a 
little trench in front of the first gun. Angus was 
cleanin his revolver. I might have known from 
that that something out of the way was goin to 
happen. 

The Fritzes was sowin a big field in front of 
the battery with wash boilers. Theyd been at it 
all mornin but about the only thing they was killen 
was the grass. Not bein interested in the hay crop 
we wasnt callin them up to tell them about it. 
Every ten minites or so you could feel a big one 
land. Then wed stick our heads up over the top 
of the trench an watch it throw up mud in the 
air like Old Faithless guyser. 



308 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE 



?» 



We was talkin about the armistice. Angus said 
if it was sined up we was to go to college in Ing- 
land for six months or else to Rusha to fight the 
Slovo Checkracks or the Checko Swaybacks or 
somebody. Not wantin to do ether I couldnt see 
where the armistice was goin to do me much good. 

Just then I saw the Top comin but it was to 
late to go anywhere. He says "I want you fellos 
to go an help unload a rashun truck thats stuck 
in the mud down the road. An by the way, the 
wars over in about five minits so dont go around 
shootin anybody after that unless you want to land 
in the gard house." I bet if the angel Gabriul 
stuck his head out of a cloud an said the world was 
goin to end in twenty minits all that would worry 
the Top would be thinkin up details to keep us 
sweatin that long. 

Thats about all there was to the end of the 
war as far as I was concerned. Angus says "111 
be darned." Then he squinted thru his gun an 
handed it over to me an says "See if you think 
thats rust up near the front end." We stopped 
everybody that came along an told them about it. 
Most of them would just say "111 be darned." 
Then theyd stand around for a minit thinkin it 
over an ask "When are we goin home?" Youd 
think me an Angus was runnin some kind of a 
Cooks toor. 

Things warmed up a little after it got dark. 
Everybody got there fireworks out an touched 




ALL I DO IS SCRATCH, SCRATCH, SCRATCH 



310 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

them off. It was the first time since we been in 
the war that we found out what a lot of those 
rockets were. It made 4th of July look like Sun- 
day in Philadelfia. 

Of course all anybody thinks about now is 
when there goin home. Most of the fellos is ex- 
pectin to help put the fires out on the family Cris- 
mus tree. Theres a few of them thinks theyll be 
eatin homemade turkey Thanksgivin. I wouldnt 
worry much if I was a turkey tho. 

Well, Mable, after all the baths I took last 
winter an all Ive been rained on since I got here 
I finally adopted a pack of cooties. I guess some 
Fritz- left them in a dug out to starve. I dont 
know why it is that animals seem to take to me 
so. This bunch is so attached to me I havnt been 
able to shake them for two weeks. I used to 
think cooties was funny just like you think slippin 
on a banana peel is funny till its your slip. Now 
all I do is scratch, scratch, scratch. Thats me all 
over, Mable. 

Im enclosin a blank slip they gave out today. 
Anybody that wants to send a Crismus present 
has to have one. I wasnt goin to send it first 
cause it sounded a little like I was expectin a 
present. Then I figgered Id just tell you I didnt 
want one an send it for a curiosity. 

I guess 111 see you in about a month. Its just a 
question of findin somebody thats fool enuff to 
take these guns offen our hands. You might as 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 311 

well start oilin the victrola. You can tell your 
father hes goin to sit down to the biggest dinner 
he ever tackeled the first Sunday after I get home, 
liver or no liver. 

till then as always 

Bill 
P. S. Im sendin half a dozen of those slips ex- 
tra in case the first one should get lost or some 
of your friends wanted to send anything to some- 
body over here. 



Dere Mable: 

You couldnt guess where I am now. Im not to 
sure myself. All I know is it isnt the way home. 
A couple of days after the armistice was signed 
we pulled the guns into what was left of a town. 
The Fritzes had just moved out. Then the Cap- 
tin told us there was an army goin into Germany 
an we was to be part of it. It struck me as a 
pretty low trick when wed told the Fritzes we 
was thru fightin to go right on pickin on them. 
He said it was an honer. Im always leary of that. 
In the army honer an hard work are the same 
thing. 

We lay around four days before we started. 
The Lootenant said that was to give the Fritzes 
a good start. I cant make out if were still at war 
or if this is some kind of a handicap race. We 
traveled a week tho and didnt see one of them. 



3 12 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

I guess we gave up after that cause theyve let us 
lie around here four or five days. They call this 
the Providence of Luxemburg. Im glad we didnt 
have to fight our way here. 

Thanksgivin is over. You probably know that 
tho. I suppose we got a lot to be thankful for 
but a fello gets a short memory when his brains 
full of mud. As far as I can see the turkeys had 
the most to crow about this year. It might have 
been St. Patricks day for all we saw of them. 
We had stake an gravey an potatoes. The mess 
sargent said we ought to be thankful it wasnt corn 
Willie. He could think up some reason why we 
ought to be grateful to him if he fed us nails. 

The people here wear wooden shoes an have 
big manure piles an no shapes. Theyll scrub the 
inside of the house till its so clean you could eat 
offen the floor. Only I never could see any ad- 
vantage in that cause nobody in his right mind 
would want to eat there. Then theyll build a ma- 
nure pile right under the front windo. That aint 
so bad here as it would be home cause the only 
time they open the windos is when they want to 
throw something out. Then they shut em quick 
sos they wont let out any air. I bet the greatest 
hardship the German army had was sleepin out- 
doors for four years. 

Angus says the Providence of Luxemburg is 
run by a Dutchess thats young an good lookin. 
I guess she must be a foriner. Shes never been 




: THE PEOPLE HERE WEAR WOODEN SHOES AN HAVE NO SHAPES 



3 H "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

married which shows shes got pretty good taste 
from all Ive seen around here. There sure will 
be great opportunities over here for a young fello 
after the war. 

Well, Mable, I dont think well be over here 
long. Angus says this is just a kind of a parade 
to show the Fritzes how good we are. Im glad 
to hear your goin to a motor school. It certinly 
will be good when you have a puncture not to 
have a bunch of wimmin hangin out of the tonno 
askin you if you want some candy an should they 
get out 

as ever sick of the army 

Bill 

Dere Mable: 

We crossed into the Fodderland yesterday. 
After scrappin about it for four years nobody 
seemed to give a rap any more than if wed been 
draggin in a load of hay. You remember how 
the papers used to say if we ever drove the 
Fritzes back to Germany we could never get 
across the border. Proper Gander, every word 
of it. They didnt even have a fence around it. 

We just crossed a little river no wider than 
Silver Creek an there we was. No screamin wim- 
min, no stray shots out of attiks, no awtrocities. 
Nobody even took the trouble to come out an hiss 
at us. It made everybody feel pretty low I can 
tell you. The only ones that took any interest at 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 315 

all was a bunch of kids in soldiers caps an stand 
up collars like your father wears. They seemed 
to think we was goin to show in their town an 
trotted along beside us to watch the big tent go 
up. 

Wed all been plannin for some time on com- 
mittin a few good awtrocities as soon as we got 
into Germany just to liven things up a bit. 

As usual tho when the Captins runnin the party 
anything sporty is ruled out. The only awtroci- 
ties hell let us commit is makin faces at the 
Fritzes. The whole thing has been an awful dis- 
appointment. This country aint no diferent from 
France or the one we just left. It aint even col- 
ored diferent like it is on the map. 

Theres a fello from Milwawke in our battery 
named Joe Bush. It certinly helps to have some- 
body around that speaks German. Last night 
Joe told me hed found a regular bed in one of the 
Fritz houses that the oficers seemed to have 
missed. He traded me half of it for a package 
of cigarets. Back to the hay barn for me tonite. 

A German bed is like a loaf of bread thats rose 
to much. Its so high you need a chair to get onto 
it. I guess youd need a coroner if you ever rolled 
off it. When I first got up on it I couldnt make 
out where the bed close was. Then I found there 
was two matdresses, one about four feet thick an 
the other on top about a foot thick. Your sup* 
posed to sleep between them like a sanwidge. The 



316 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

little matdress is built so it just reaches from your 
neck to your ankles if you aint to tall. You can get 
the idear by lyin down an puttin a sofa pillo over 
you. Ether the Fritzes has awful tuff feet or 
there built like a pocket drinkin cup. I tried 
rollin up like a dog till Joe caught onto it to. 

Well, Mable, in about an hour I felt like I was 
in the hot room of a Turks bath. I dont see how 
the Germans is so fat if they sleep between these 
things. 

The young girl in a kimony on the cover of 
the Murad boxes gives you an idear how you 
sleep on a German bed. I never knew why she 
looked so discouraged before. 

The old fello that owned the bed seemed kind 
of scared at first. I guess he thought after we 
found what it was like we might commit a few 
awtrocities just to put us to sleep. 

We agreed to call off the awtrocities if hed 
leave his Frow cook us up a mess of waffles toot 
sweet. Frow is what they call there wives, Ma- 
ble. I guess its short for Frowsie. 

I got to start in forgettin my French now an 
begin on Dutch. I bet I talk pigen Inglish when 
I get home. I dont have much trouble with lan- 
guiges tho. I can say quite a few things already 
like "Ya" and "Nine" an "Vas iss." Thats all 
right if your just out for a social time but it aint 
any good in commershul life. 




"A GERMAN BED IS LIKE A LOAF OF BREAD THATS ROSE TO MUCH 



318 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

Its no use tellin you to rite I never get your 
letters* 

yours disgustedly 

Bill 

Dere Mable: 

We crossed the Rine day before yesterday. It 
was Friday the 13th but the bridge held up in spite 
of it. The Rine didnt look like much to me. Im 
not much of a judge of rivers tho. Its been rainin 
for three days an it would take an awful lot of 
water in one place to make much impreshun on 
me. 

We all thought we was goin to a town by the 
name of Coblence. The Mess sargent had told 
us everybody was to have a room to himself an 
that most of the time when we wasnt at the mov- 
ies wed be canoin up an down the river. The 
armies got an idear tho that if you let a soldier 
get near anything thats worth while hell take it 
to pieces an cart it away. So they saved Coblence 
by goin around it. 

That night we stuck the horses and guns in the 
front yard of a Chatto. It looked more like Cen- 
tral Park to me. The fello that owned the place 
was standin at the gate when we came in. He 
had on a green felt hat with the edges curled up 
like a derby an a feather stuck in it. I wouldnt 
have been surprised if hed started to yodel. I 
bet he was as glad to see us as the meesels. A 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 319 

regiment of field artilery walkin around your 
front yard aint no grass cultivator. 

This isnt a bad place to lay over for a day tho. 
The town is built round a big cliff. On top is the 
ruins of an old cassel. Some of the town tried 
to clime up the side of the cliff an got stuck half 
way. In the house where Im bilited the front 
door is where it ought to be an the back door 
opens onto the street from the third floor. I can 
hear your mother sayin, "Run up in the attik, Ma- 
ble, an see who that is knockin at the back door." 

Theres a little stream runnin thru the town. Its 
very beautiful an full of tin cans. The sides are 
all bricked up. The Fritzes would make the trees 
grow square if they could. The hills go straight 
up all around us. I dont know how the stream ever 
got in here or how were goin to get out. It cer- 
tinly is a useful place for artilery. About the 
only thing you could shoot out of here would be 
a skyrocket. 

They told us we was goin to have yesterday to 
ourselves. Then the last minit they made us all 
take a bath. In the army they dont give you 
credit for knowin how or when to take a bath. 
They have a corperal there to show you. The 
one they had on the job yesterday must have 
learned from a correspondence school. 

You dont get into a bath here. You take it out 
of something an spread it over you. This time 
theyd heated a big kettle of water in a wood shed. 



32o "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE 



?» 



You dipped out a pailful an put some of it over 
you an the rest over your close. Just about the 
time youve got a good lather worked up the cor- 
peral says "Come on. Hurry up an get your 
close on. Your eight minits is up." Ford ought 
to get hold of that fello. Hed have them poppin 
out of the factory like corn out of a roaster. 

I didnt get a bath, but I didnt need one. Me 
an Angus both took one the day after the armis- 
tice was signed. There aint nothin thatll keep a 
man fit like keepin clean as the poets say. 

Everyones sore at these Dutchmen. They 
havnt got as much spirit as a bottle of near beer. 
All they do is take off there hats to us like we 
was a bunch of ladies an say "Tag." I thought 
first they was sayin "Dog." I went to the Captin 
an ast him if I could clean up with the next fello 
that said it. 

The Captin said Tag was just Fritz for How- 
dy. Then I ast him if I could clean up half a. 
dozen of them anyway just to get them started 
on the right lines. He says "Smith, if you try 
any of your back alley sanitashun around here 
youll be cleanin up around the gard house as 
quick as we get one." He thinks hes awful funny. 
Thats the way it goes, tho, Mable. One day your 
a quitter if you dont throw everything but the 
kitchin stove at a fello and the next day they want 
you to kiss him. 

Im sendin you a lot of post cards I paid eighty 




"they take off there hats to us 



322 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

two fennigs for. I dont know wether that was a 
bargin or a fortune. I never seen any places like 
these but they give you a good idear of the coun- 
try. I got to quit now cause there linin up for 
mess. If I ever get out of this army I wont stand 
in line agen if they was handin out five dollar 
bills. If you want to go to the movies with me 
you got to go early an avoid the rush. 

Tell Archie Wainwright I wish him a merry 
Crismus cause its liable to be his last. His only 
chance for a happy New Year is if the war breaks 
out agen. 

Until it does yours 

Bill 

Dere Mable: 

Weve quit hikin at last. Not because we get 
anyplace tho. Why they stopped here when there 
is a road goin right thru is more than I can fig- 
ger. Theres about fifty houses in this place. I 
guess most of them was built as soon as the flood 
was dried out enuff sos they could lay the founda- 
shuns. I havnt seen a new house since I been in 
Germany. A place that wed be puttin bronze 
tablets on they think has just been built. 

They seem to be short on everything over here. 
From what I seen they live mostly on potadoes. 
The only thing they get enuff of is mud. Our 
guns is parked in a field an if we stay here much 
longer well have to blast to get them out. 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 323 

The Captin says the rules on letter ritin is off 
an we can say where we are. The only thing we 
cant do is criticize the army. I dont know where 
we are an I couldnt spell it anyhow so theres not 
much to rite about. 

We sleep in rooms now insted of barns. The 
Dutch dont seem to care much. I can hear your 
mother if four tramps came walkin into her front 
parlor an went to sleep on the floor. The old 
fello that owns the room thinks were crazy be- 
cause we have to open our windos every night. 
He told Joe Bush there wasnt any use makin a 
fire for us cause when he spent the whole evenin 
gettin the room full of heat wed open the windo 
an let it all out. When we first got into that room 
I guess it had the original heat his granfather 
put in it. 

Crismus is only a few days away. I suppose 
theyll let us sleep half an hour extra for a Crismus 
present an then forget to tell the buglers like they 
did last year. About all it amounted to was 
standin around in the rain half an hour longer for 
mess. 

I havnt had my feet under a table now in four 
months. Theyve gotten so big since I been wearin 
these army shoes that I dont know if theyll go 
under any more. When I get home 111 probably 
pile my whole dinner in a soup plate an take it 
out in the back yard. 



324 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

All feelin aside, Mable, it certinly will be good 
to get my food seperated agen. These fellos 
would pour your coffee over your dinner if there 
was any room. When you come up to the kitchin 
the first K.P. sticks a piece of meat in the bottom 
of your mess kit. Thats a sort of a foundashun. 
Then a spoonful of loose potadoes hit it like a 
soft nose bullet an thats the last you see of your 
meat. The next fello covers that with a quart of 
gravy an sticks a pickle in the top with his thum 
like inlaid work. The last one levels it off with 
a piece of bread slammed on like a cover. Angus 
says its a wise man that knows his own dinner un- 
less hes got a good memory. 

Ive learned to put down an awful lot of food, 
tho, in less time than it takes to chew it. You 
got to be fast if you want any seconds. Some of 
these fellos must store up there food like squir- 
rels cause there finished an back in the line before 
its moved ten places. Theres always some smart 
alex that washes up his mess kit an pretends hes 
just come up from the picket line. We got a 
mess sargent tho that makes Shylock Homes look 
like a night watchman. He could tell yesterdays 
greece from todays if you scoured your mess kit 
with sandpaper. 

The Fritzes are more balled up on there money 
than the French. These fellos dont even know 
what the stuffs worth themselves. They have two 
kinds of money, fennigs an marks. I dont know 



pwETn -nutu m 



Bill BrecK 




LEVELS IT OFF WITH A PIECE OF BREAD 



326 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

wether marks make fennigs or fennigs make 
marks. I know they both make me tired. Its 
about as easy to buy anything here as it is to 
check up a Chinese lawndry bill. They tell you 
the price of a thing in fennigs an marks. Then 
you got to figger that into franks an figger what 
its all worth in United States. Just to give your 
mind a little exercise fennigs an marks aint the 
same more than five minites. Everybody has 
there own idear of what there worth an the fello 
thats doin the sellin never has the same idear that 
you have. 

The first time I bought a glass of beer in Ger- 
many it took me so long to pay for it I almost 
got arrested for bein out after taps. We never 
did decide the thing. The reason none of these 
fellos over here never get spiffed is because they 
make you pay after every drink. Youd be more 
likely to die of thirst. 

I havnt received no Crismus box yet. Im glad 
you an your mother did as I told you an didnt pay 
any atenshun to those slips I sent you for curiosi- 
ties. If thered been any chance of sendin you any- 
thing Id have done it. You dont want to feel bad 
about that tho, cause this idear of looking at Cris- 
mus like a horse swap is all wrong. I certinly 
hope you have a merry Crismus. Youll probably 
get this letter sometime in August 

Yours optimistically 

Bill 



"SAME OLD BILL. EH MABLE!" 327 

Dere Mable: 

Another (Trismus an New Years has gone by. 
I wonder where theyll pick out for me to spend my 
next one. I wish I could get hold of a geografy 
an see what places are left. One of these days 
I may be able to get a furlo for Crismus if we 
happen to be iightin some country right near 
home. Then I can tell you how all the different 
nashuns spend there holidays. 

I knew thered be some string on sleepin late 
Crismus mornin. The day before there was a 
couple of fellos late to revelry. They were fellos 
whod never done any work anyway so I couldnt 
see how it mattered much. The Captin said hed 
been plannin on lettin us sleep till seven o'clock 
Crismus but if we couldnt learn to make revelry 
wed have to keep on practisin gettin up at six. It 
seems to me if a fello dont know how to do that 
now he never will. If I get up at six the first 
Crismus I spend home itll be six in the evening 
you can bet. 

Crismus mornin they lined us all up an gave 
each fello a little box marked "Greetins from the 
Folks at Home." Only they didnt say whose 
folks. Inside there was some tobacco an cigarets 
an chockolate an the like. Angus thinks theres 
something foney about it somewhere. He says 
like as not theyll take it out of our next pay roll or 
our A Lot Meants. Angus would think you had 



I» 



328 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE! 

some axe to grind if you pulled him out of a burn- 
in buildin. 

We didnt have nothin to do Crismus but take 
care of the horses an "the usual policin." That 
left me with almost an hour in the middle of the 
day without anything to do. I was goin to rite 
you a letter but I felt kind of drowsy. Ever since 
I been in the army Ive said that my first duty was 
to keep fit so I went to sleep insted. Patriotic. 
Thats me all over, Mable. 

The reasen I got a chance to rite this letter is 
because some horse stepped on my foot the other 
day an I cant walk. It wasn.t any accident. That 
horse an me never got along. Hes been layin for 
me ever since I brushed his teeth with a curry 
brush. The more I see of horses the more I want 
to meet the f ello that wrote Black Buty. He must 
have learned about horses in a carpenter shop. 
Im goin to rite a book about them when I get 
home that will put the S. P. C. A. out of business. 
I got to stop ritin now an answer sick call with 
my foot. Yesterday they gave me some pills. I 
suppose today theyll look at my tongue an tell me 
its my stummick thats out of order. 

Well, Mable, I havnt had so much as a pictur 
post card from you in two weeks. I hope that 
fello Archie Wainwright aint botherin you agen 
cause our hospittles is crowded enuff now. Im 
still a gentleman but if I ever catch him moldin 
your hammick around his figger — well, Mable, Id 




=37 ^7 





"they lined us all up 



330 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

talk it over with him cause I seen enuff blood shed 
already. 

yours doubtfully till I hear 

Bill 

Dere Mable: 

I got the first real news for you Ive had since I 
joined the army. Were comin home toot sweet. 
Theres an outfit on its way up here now to relieve 
us. It certinly will relieve me. Just a couple of 
weeks longer an then no more square heads, no 
more flannel bandages around my legs, no more 
engins without cowcatchers. It wont seem right 
at first. I expect 111 feel like I was A.W.O.L. an 
run around the corner every time I see a police- 
man. Theres one man they neednt be afraid of 
ever startin any more wars an his names Smith. 
If I ever have a son an he so much as starts off 
with his left foot hes goin to have the worst lickin 
you ever heard of. 

A General inspected us today. I cant help feel- 
in sorry for his wife. She must spend most of her 
time lookin for a new hired girl. If he ever said 
anything nice to anybody I bet hed come back an 
apologize. Hes the kind of a fello that eats 
his own young. 

Everybody knew the General wasnt comin over 
to hang no wreaths around nobodies neck. So 
we all slicked up pretty well to humor him. 

Everything would have gone off as well as you 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 331' 

could have expected if it hadnt been for that horse. 
A jokes all right in its place but its place aint un- 
der a General. The horse was so big that the 
General like to have bust gettin up. As soon as 
he got set the horse took a couple of steps. Then 
he sat down in the mud like a dog an let out a 
groan. 

Of course it was all off then. By the time hed 
coaxed that horse up to the battery he was so 
sore hed have found rust on the perly gates an put 
Saint Peter under arrest for not bein shaved. 

When he got around to my seckshun I thought 
he was about due to be out of breath. I had a 
little rip In my pants that I hadnt had time to sew 
up. Nothing anybodied notice. Just my knee 
stickin thru. That fello could see a hole in your 
undershirt tho. When he came up to me he looked 
me over like I was a windo dummy that he didnt 
care much about. Then he says to the Captin 
"What do you mean by lettin a man stand in- 
speckshun like that?" 

The Captin looked at me surprised like hed 
never seen me before. Then he turns to the sar- 
gent an says "Sargent, I want a report on why 
was that man permitted to stand inspeckshun in 
that condishun." They all talk as if they were 
doin me a favor by lettin me stand inspeckshun. 
Ill tell the world I didnt go around an ask no- 
bodies permishun. 

The sargent looked at my pants kind of hurt 



332 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

like I hadnt ast for a new pair thirty seven times. 
After the General had put the whole battery un- 
der arrest an rode away to get some raw meat he 
sighed like a fello that everybodies agenst. Then 
he turns to the corperal an says "What the this 
an that do you mean by gettin me in Dutch, you 
big space filler?" 

So the corperal stuck me on detail manacurin 
the streets for a couple of days. About all there 
is left for me is to go around an kick a few horses 
in the stummick after dark. 

The funny part about it is that everybody knew 
there hadnt been no pants ishued since we got 
here. Half the fellos in the battery is comin thru 
in places the General couldnt see because he was 
mounted. That dont make no difference. A fel- 
los knees aint got no rights in this mans army. I 
wish I was a Lady from Hell an I wouldnt have 
to bother about pants. Thats tecknickle, Mable. 
I dont guess youll get it. 

They call this passin the buck. In the army they 
got it fixed up so that nothin aint ever nobodies 
fault. Its always on the next fello down. That 
works out pretty good unless you happen to be on 
the bottom step like me. I dont know why they 
call it passin the buck. I never saw it pass him 
yet. 

Your Crismus box came yesterday. It sure was 
good of you to send it after all I said. At least 
a good part of it came considerin one end of the 



axa BiecK 




; THAT LITTLE SNUB NOSED THING ACROSS THE STREET 



334 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

box was gone. There was enuff left to give me 
an idear of what had been in it. The only rea- 
son that any of it got here was because theyd set 
so many things on top of it that some of the stuff 
got kind of baled an stuck to the insides. 

The thing that struck us most was the size of 
the box. Whoever got that up must have thought 
that the folks at home was goin to send us jewel- 
rey for Crismus. I didnt care cause I knew it 
wasnt your fait. Joe took it kind of hard tho 
cause he forgot to send any slips home an he was 
kind of countin on me. 

I got six letters from you all at once a couple 
of days ago. You must carry them around in 
your pocket a week or two like I do when anybody 
gives me a bunch to mail. I didnt care about any- 
thing tho when I read that Archie Wainwright 
had gone an married that little snub nosed thing 
across the street. I guess he must have been 
tipped off that nobodied given him the freedom of 
the city. Some reason or other tho I feel madder 
at him than I did before. I guess theres got to 
be a casulty when I get home anyway. 

I aint goin to rite any more cause the sargent 
ast me to help him out this afternoon cleanin the 
guns. I dont like to leave him to do it all alone 
when were so near the finish. Tell the good news 
to your father an mother. 

Yours on the home stretch 

Bill 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 335 

Dere Mable: 

Here I am ritin you at the govermints expense 
for the last time. Were in the same place where 
we first rested almost a year ago. It hasnt 
changed much except theyve gotten in more mud 
an tents since then an there aint so many boats to 
unpack. 

Weve turned in our Soizant Canses to some 
monument factory. Weve said good by to our 
horses for ever. The last thing one of them did 
was to try an kick me as I went past. Thats 
there idea of gratitude. Now we got less to do 
than the doboys cause we havnt even got rifles 
to clean. This is the last letter youll ever get 
from me in France. If I have my say about it its 
the last letter youll ever get from me anywhere. 
I never want to get out of telefone range agen. 
Our boat is all ready. This will probably travel 
over on the same boat with me. I wanted to rite 
you from the A.E.F. for the last time. An by 
the way, Mable, that dont mean Am Expectin 
Flowers but Am Extremely Fortunate. 

There aint much to say just like there aint much 
to do. I feel awful funny. I cant exactly explain 
it. Of course I want to go home. Thats all Ive 
wanted to do since November. At the same time 
I feel kind of sad like you do when your comin 
back to work from your summer vacashun. We 
been in the old army so long, an weve done the 
same things an cussed at them so many times, that 



336 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

you get sort of fond of the whole business just 
like you do any job that takes an awful long time 
an a lot of hard work to finish, but that youve fin- 
ished. I guess you could get sentimental about 
piece work in a factory — after youd quit. 

I never thought when I sat here in the mud last 
May an rote you how Id escaped from the pearls 
of the sea, as the poets say, that Id ever sit here 
agen an rite you that I was comin home. I never 
menshuned this of course for fear it would worry 
you. Now that its all over tho its all right to talk 
about it. It wasnt that I was scared cause I guess 
you know that I was never scared of nothin. 
Nerveless. Thats me all over, Mable. But I 
used to think of how hard youd take it when you 
saw it in the papers, an how people would come 
an look at your house an shake there heads an 
walk away. Some of them would pull out a lace 
hankercheff out of there neck or sleeve or wher- 
ever you carry those things. Theyd touch up there 
eyes a bit an say "I knew him well," wether they 
did or not. 

You know, Mable, that once or twice when I 
get lyin awake at night thinkin about all that stuff 
I came pretty near cryin myself it struck me as so 
sad. The one I liked to think of best tho was the 
minister sayin a few butiful words about me Sun- 
day. All the people was turnin around to look 
at you. You were cryin quiet like an your mother 




M GOING TO BE JUST PLAIN MR. BILL SMITH 



338 "SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 

was tryin to keep the tears from spottin the red 
Moroko himnal. 

An here I am safe an sound without even a 
wound stripe. I feel the same way that I did 
when I came across on the boat without getting 
sunk. It aint fair to you somehow or other. I 
kind of cheated somehow, tho for the life of me 
I cant figer how. It makes me into a sort of a 
third class crook but Im glad to be one. 

Theres been an awful lot of talk in the papers 
an magazines about how were comin home 
changed men. I dont believe your goin to have 
any trouble recognizin me, Mable. Perhaps Ive 
gotten a little stouter. Thats about all. Even 
the Captin, whose been with me ever since we 
started, was sayin to me the other day "Smith, I 
cant see any difference in you since the first day 
you came into the army." 

I got thinkin the other night what a lot of good 
yarns I had to spin when I got home. I was plan- 
nin on how people would probably ask me 
around to dinner sos I could amuse em with stories 
about the war. I happened to menshun it to An- 
gus an he says yes an there was about two milyun 
others plannin the same thing. He says the stuff 
about the folks that stay at home sufferin the most 
was never truer than it is just now. 

So Ive just sworn off talkin war when I get 
home. I aint never goin to get like that fello 
down in Henrys barber shop that just sits around 



"SAME OLD BILL, EH MABLE!" 339 

all day tryin to get somebody to lissen to the Bat- 
tle of Gethisburg. 

I may have speshul occashuns when I let loose. 
Like once in a while when were sittin alone eve- 
nins in the little house with the green blinds that 
aint built yet. Then 111 get out the helmet that 
belonged to the red headed Fritz an the looger 
pistel an the irun crosses. Ill tell you how the big 
ones sounded when they went over the dug-out. 
Ill show you how Fritz says Kamarad. Ill tell 
you about bilets an mud an Top sargents an 
whiz bangs. Perhaps once a year, say Crismus 
or something, 111 tell about goin over the top. I 
got to get that out of my sistem once in a while. 

The rest of the time Im goin to be just plain 
Mr. Bill Smith, docter or brick layer or lawyer or 
street car conductor — anything in fact that hasnt 
got any horses connected with it. 

So good by for a while. The next time you 
here from me itll be the scrapin of my hobnails 
on the front stoop. Then look out. Impulsive. 
Thats me all over, Mable. 

Bill 



THE END 






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